Weird friend dynamic; any response needed?

[Anonymous]

The background:
My entire neighborhood has a WhatsApp group, and within the WhatsApp is a Ladies Game Night. A few times a year, various neighborhood women throw a Bunco or board game or quasi-book club party, and literally everyone is invited because it’s all the women in the neighborhood, you can add yourself to the list or add a friend. The list grows as more people join the neighborhood.

In addition to participating in these larger events, I socialize in a smaller group of my immediate neighbor women, who aren’t as comfortable in a large group. I usually make the plans, like inviting them over for dinner or out to a movie or out for Mexican food. They don’t ever go to the larger events, but they always come to these smaller outings. We’ll call this The Small Group for this thread.

The situation:
Because another neighbor of mine who usually hosts the larger group White Elephant party is going through some stuff, she asked for someone else to volunteer to host, and I did. We had a great time. It was a lot of fun. Absolutely everyone was welcome, and knew about it, including The Small Group. None of them showed up, which is fine, but then they basically chastised me in a separate text chain.

“Let us know when WE can get together”; “when are you hosting for just us”; “when are we going out”; “you know we don’t go to those events.” Please note these disappointed texts did not come with any sort of invitation, it was just free-form complaining, directed at me, as if I am The Small Group’s social director, and I let them down.

My question:
I haven’t yet responded to any of these texts. My big party for the neighborhood was last weekend, and everyone who attended has been sending nice thank you messages in the larger WhatsApp. I don’t feel like I need to explain or apologizing for taking a turn hosting, when for years I have benefitted from other neighborhood ladies hosting these inclusive, fun events. I also don’t really feel motivated to yet again be the one to make plans and invites for The Small Group.

What woud you advise, DCUM?

[Anonymous]

You’re welcome to organize a get together, I won’t be offended!

[Anonymous]

I would say that you are not up for hosting the Small Group this year but you’d love to go if anyone else is willing to host.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I’d take a full year off being cruise director for The Small Group. If anyone steps up and proposes plans, great. If not, fine. You can then focus on the larger group in your neighborhood, and other friends who actually care about you and don’t just use you.

[Anonymous]

"I felt it was my turn to return the favor and host the larger group this year. I'm sorry none of you could make it. Suggest a date and we can make reservations at that Mexican restaurant we like."

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't respond, frankly, and just plan a get together in the new year if you like the small group better.

[Anonymous]

That is unbelievably rude. I’d go quiet and see if they actually take on the emotional labor of keeping even small group social wheels turning. If not, they were just using you and you should enjoy the company of your other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I felt it was my turn to return the favor and host the larger group this year. I'm sorry none of you could make it. Suggest a date and we can make reservations at that Mexican restaurant we like."

This. Or maybe even leave out the think about making reservations, just say you can’t wait for the next Small Group hang out, let you know when it’s organized and you’ll be there!

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I think I might have the party for the small group. It sounds like there's an expectation, understanding and tradition of this group getting together separately and they didn't think you'd take on this larger party. It messed with their expectations. I think someone else should volunteer for this event but you may want to have the party if just to keep these friendships and the understanding. Next year you probably won't host the bigger party. It was an exception to the rule.

[Anonymous]

Whatever the history of who histed small group stuff they are incredibly rude. Whaaa whaaa where's our party we didn't want the big one so you lwe us.

Is there something physically or mentally with them such that they can't do big groups?

If not, just say I am hosted out this year. Had hoped to see you this time at the big party because you knew I was hosting.

Take care and Happy New Year!

Then gray rock.

Decide if you want to nanny them next year.

[Anonymous]

Ignore it.

You need explain nothing.

[Anonymous]

I think I would just clear the air and tell them you are hurt by their reaction. You were pitching in to help a friend by hosting the large group, and that was not meant to replace small group activities. You'd be glad to attend small group when arrangements have been made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I think I might have the party for the small group. It sounds like there's an expectation, understanding and tradition of this group getting together separately and they didn't think you'd take on this larger party. It messed with their expectations. I think someone else should volunteer for this event but you may want to have the party if just to keep these friendships and the understanding. Next year you probably won't host the bigger party. It was an exception to the rule.

A tradition of using OP. Of relying on her to make plans. Hard nope, no thanks, drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

I am not saying that the Small Group members are being fair to you, OP. They are not and are being rude. But I have to wonder if with OP hosting the Bigger Group party that the Small Group members are feeling left out or slighted in some only-makes-sense-to-them way? As in, they may have looked up their Small Group as more exclusive and "theirs" and OP was a big part of that and now OP is, in their minds, mingling with the masses instead of just their more "special" smaller group. Yes, it is extremely middle-schoolish but that is what popped into my head when reading the OP's post.

Simply put, people do not like change.

[Anonymous]

I would have probably sent out a text before the even to ask your friends to attend the larger group. But their texts have been incredibly rude. I would say something along the lines of "of course this wasn't meant to replace our small group event. Can someone please pick a date and make a dinner reservation?"