Childless Employer

[Anonymous]

I work for a guy with no kids. He's gay, not that that precludes parenthood, but it is a different lifestyle which I think creates a lack of empathy for those of us that are dealing with chidren and health issues.

My son was born with hypotonia and requires intense weekly rehab as well as frequent check ups. My spouse's work has them traveling every other week. We have two other kids under 8. We are busy to be blunt. So, I am the parent that deals with the weekly rehab. I have scheduled it as best I can to interfere as little as possible (Tues, 7am-830am) but ths week when I sent the reminder my employer responded with :

"Can't your spouse ever do these 'things'?"

I didn't know what to say in the moment and now it is really under my skin. Doesnt't FMLA cover scenarios exactly like this? I know basic decency does.

I'm not ready to talk with an attorney yet but I'd like some feedback.

[Anonymous]

Are. You supposed to be at work at 8:30? I mean why are you telling your employer what you’re doing on your own time?

[Anonymous]

That's an unacceptable response from your employer. Have you formally requested intermittent FMLA and/or state/city protected leave? If not, I'd recommend doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are. You supposed to be at work at 8:30? I mean why are you telling your employer what you’re doing on your own time?

OP here. Yes- god question. My day starts at 7:30. I'm effectively taking an hour every other Tuesday and it is annoying him.

[Anonymous]

You can give really boring responses (say "I handle the rehab" and don't explain or justify) or you can ask him if he has concerns about your availability and hash it out that way, and then if he keeps bringing it up, just say that your availability has not changed.

Making it an explicit conversation risks that he will say your availability is actually a problem. But if he's out-of-step with the rest of the organization, that's less likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned FMLA in your OP--so you've applied and been approved for it?

If so, he can take a walk off a short plank.

[Anonymous]

First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

All of this.

And FWIW, my personal experience has been bosses who were dads with wives taking care of most of the kid stuff or moms with nannies have been the least flexible and understanding. My bosses without kids (married and not) have been the most understanding and flexible and also took time off themselves to care for partners and elderly parents at various times.

[Anonymous]

So, you are missing and hour of work every other week and he's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are. You supposed to be at work at 8:30? I mean why are you telling your employer what you’re doing on your own time?

OP here. Yes- god question. My day starts at 7:30. I'm effectively taking an hour every other Tuesday and it is annoying him.

Can you get him to agree twice a month you’ll start later and work an hour later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are missing and hour of work every other week and he's the problem?

If he has a problem with it, he should have a conversation with her about how to manage this, not make one-off obnoxious comments implicitly criticizing the division of labor in her marriage. That he hasn't done that means he knows his boss/organization would not approve.

[Anonymous]

Respond “ he could yes, but as I have the SL I have taken on this part of parenting currently”

I am this parent: I am also gay. Take this out of your logic.

[Anonymous]

Unsure from your description whether your employer must follow FMLA - look up the employer requirements (# of employees within X miles).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are missing and hour of work every other week and he's the problem?

... yes. (Not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

I couldn't disagree more. It is highly relevant. Have you ever had to deal with being postpartum? It is a nightmare and truly a life or death situation for some women. Gay men simply can't ever understand that.