Childless Employer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

All of this.

And FWIW, my personal experience has been bosses who were dads with wives taking care of most of the kid stuff or moms with nannies have been the least flexible and understanding. My bosses without kids (married and not) have been the most understanding and flexible and also took time off themselves to care for partners and elderly parents at various times.

So, if OP is the dad, he gets a pass but if OP is a mom she is a martyr in the face of misogyny?

[Anonymous]

Its uncomfortable but i think you need to address it directly with him. Tell him this is the arrangement you need and ask how you can best modify your time to also meet the company needs. Like ask if he needs you to work late or put in time off or shift some responsibility or what exactly he is expecting. Then stick to it. And you won't have to talk about it again because its just part of your working arrangement.

[Anonymous]

If you have FMLA, then you are fine. If you are flexing your schedule and working an hour later that day and you have that agreement with him, then you're fine.

I will say as someone who does not have children- it gets frustrating when people leave early or arrive late and blame their kids. Make sure you have some sort of agreement in place where you're still dealing with what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

She probably mentioned him being gay because it shields him from HR woes.
I had a coworker tell me when I was working in my 9th month "You look like a planet walking around here. Can't you start your leave early so we don't have to see you like this?" Someone who wasn't me complained and he told HR he was gay to get off the hook. (He told me this story himself!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

I couldn't disagree more. It is highly relevant. Have you ever had to deal with being postpartum? It is a nightmare and truly a life or death situation for some women. Gay men simply can't ever understand that.

I have been postpartum and maintain that empathy and sexuality are not linked, even for something that impacts people with uteruses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have FMLA, then you are fine. If you are flexing your schedule and working an hour later that day and you have that agreement with him, then you're fine.

I will say as someone who does not have children- it gets frustrating when people leave early or arrive late and blame their kids. Make sure you have some sort of agreement in place where you're still dealing with what you need to do.

Why is it frustrating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

All of this.

And FWIW, my personal experience has been bosses who were dads with wives taking care of most of the kid stuff or moms with nannies have been the least flexible and understanding. My bosses without kids (married and not) have been the most understanding and flexible and also took time off themselves to care for partners and elderly parents at various times.

So, if OP is the dad, he gets a pass but if OP is a mom she is a martyr in the face of misogyny?

I think you are misreading the PP. I read that as related to OP's insistence that her boss's sexual orientation was relevant. PP is saying that men in opposite sex relationships who do little/no childcare are LESS sympathetic than men in same sex relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you are missing and hour of work every other week and he's the problem?

If he has a problem with it, he should have a conversation with her about how to manage this, not make one-off obnoxious comments implicitly criticizing the division of labor in her marriage. That he hasn't done that means he knows his boss/organization would not approve.

+1 this should be about the organizational needs and how OP regular absence at that hour is a problem for the office. Not about her spouse. Probably there is no impact and that's why he made it personal. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to hire help.

Ridiculous. Hire help for an hour appointment every other week? For a medically complicated child? No. Work can accommodate. This is what paid sick leave and FMLA are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to hire help.

Ridiculous. Hire help for an hour appointment every other week? For a medically complicated child? No. Work can accommodate. This is what paid sick leave and FMLA are for.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

I couldn't disagree more. It is highly relevant. Have you ever had to deal with being postpartum? It is a nightmare and truly a life or death situation for some women. Gay men simply can't ever understand that.

I agree. I actually think the difference in lifestyle is important here--not being gay, just not being a parent with a traveling spouse versus being one. Would he put the same type of pressure on a person taking care an elderly relative?

OP, get some FMLA so you're protected and he'll leave you alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have FMLA, then you are fine. If you are flexing your schedule and working an hour later that day and you have that agreement with him, then you're fine.

I will say as someone who does not have children- it gets frustrating when people leave early or arrive late and blame their kids. Make sure you have some sort of agreement in place where you're still dealing with what you need to do.

Why is it frustrating?

Yeah, this is dumb. It has nothing to do with you. Do you need to leave early to do something fun? Then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, putting this on the fact that he's a gay man is kind of gross and does not make you look sympathetic at all.

Second, FMLA would cover this sort of thing *if you had filed for it.* Did you fill out the appropriate paperwork and file with HR?

I'm not saying your boss isn't being a jerk (and honestly that's an unprofessional email from him), but you are also not covering yourself in glory here by insinuating that his sexual orientation makes him less compassionate and by invoking an HR/legal process that it does not sound like you have actually activated.

All of this.

And FWIW, my personal experience has been bosses who were dads with wives taking care of most of the kid stuff or moms with nannies have been the least flexible and understanding. My bosses without kids (married and not) have been the most understanding and flexible and also took time off themselves to care for partners and elderly parents at various times.

There is a reason for that. For instance i worked at a company that had really good flex for Moms I as a man started working late, skipping lunch, going in early to cover for them. That is fine. But then that same staff would be talking about fab vacations, new SUVS, big trade up houses, how they can do double 401ks as they have double income. Meanwhile the SAHM is geting kid on bus by herself, going to school events by herself, getting dinner ready and kids to bed by herself as her husband is covering for the working moms iiving in mansions

[Anonymous]

I worked for a married, childless woman. It didn’t go well as soon as I made it clear that I wasn’t going to sacrifice my children for my job. Get out.