How to handle a mother/mother-in-law who only talks about herself

[Anonymous]

I’m am struggling lately with how to deal with my mil who seems very self-centered. She lives across the country and always makes excuses about visiting, and won’t allow us to visit because of an adult child who lives at home and doesn’t want to have contact with our family (her other child blames my spouse for his life situation where he is stuck at home living with his mom in his 40s and unable to work because he finds work stressful). My spouse has decided to keep a very distant relationship with mil due to her selfishness and poor treatment of him, but I feel obligated to keep in touch with pictures and updates of our two daughters. The thing is, all her replies are only ever about herself and other son. All about what they’re up to, all the people who have wronged them, all their problems etc. She never ever asks about anyone in my family or even mentions wishing she could see her granddaughters. Lately I’m feeling like just throwing in the towel and not writing her with updates or photos. The problem is I try this for like 2-3 weeks but then always feel guilty and optimistic she’ll change, and send an update only to be disappointed in her self centered response. Is it time to accept she won’t change and stop updating? The thing is she’ll never ever email me first so if I don’t email, we’ll likely never hear from her again.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is clearly time to accept.

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve answered your own question. She’s not interested in your children. If you’re really unable to leave her alone, that makes you the problem.

[Anonymous]

This is a problem with you, not with your MIL. YOU feel obligated to send her pics of your kids. Her OWN SON doesn't feel obligated. So why do you? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this though no deadbeat sibling. I stopped trying. I don’t see why you care it’s not even your mom.

[Anonymous]

Stop sending updates and see what, if anything, she does. Occasionally people surprise you, sometimes even for the better. But you’re beating your head against the wall with her, i.e., the only one hurting is you.

It sucks, though, I get it. My parents were over for two hours yesterday before asking a single question about how any of us are doing, and even that was because it was a situation my father also experienced (I need the same major surgery in a few months that he had years ago). My own parents, in my home, and they could not be bothered. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Why are you continuing to partake in this insanity?

[Anonymous]

MIL and sibling both have mental health disorders. They cannot change. Do not expect them to. Either live with it or drop them.

[Anonymous]

Ma’am this isn’t your mom nor problem.
Let go.

[Anonymous]

Stop sending updates.
The only reason I can think of is to try to keep your kids in her mind is you want her to leave them a shitload of money. She won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ve answered your own question. She’s not interested in your children. If you’re really unable to leave her alone, that makes you the problem.

+1

She and that son have mental disorders. You’re not responsible for fixing them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Stop this. You never should have interfered like this. Let your husband handle his family. Follow his lead. And don’t be “sad” about this. If your husband has reconciled himself to this, you don’t need to take on emotions he doesn’t even have.

[Anonymous]

Let’s unpack why you feel obligated when the actually blood relative of your MIL doesn’t feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

Yeah but it is that. Glad you’re finally accepting it.