How to handle a mother/mother-in-law who only talks about herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

It’s very sad and also not something you need to try to understand. I think the best thing any of us can do is not treat our own kids/grandkids like this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Yes, accept reality and also respect your spouse's boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m am struggling lately with how to deal with my mil who seems very self-centered. She lives across the country and always makes excuses about visiting, and won’t allow us to visit because of an adult child who lives at home and doesn’t want to have contact with our family (her other child blames my spouse for his life situation where he is stuck at home living with his mom in his 40s and unable to work because he finds work stressful). My spouse has decided to keep a very distant relationship with mil due to her selfishness and poor treatment of him, but I feel obligated to keep in touch with pictures and updates of our two daughters. The thing is, all her replies are only ever about herself and other son. All about what they’re up to, all the people who have wronged them, all their problems etc. She never ever asks about anyone in my family or even mentions wishing she could see her granddaughters. Lately I’m feeling like just throwing in the towel and not writing her with updates or photos. The problem is I try this for like 2-3 weeks but then always feel guilty and optimistic she’ll change, and send an update only to be disappointed in her self centered response. Is it time to accept she won’t change and stop updating? The thing is she’ll never ever email me first so if I don’t email, we’ll likely never hear from her again.

Your husband has the right idea. Follow his lead.

[Anonymous]

If not ready to stop the updates fully, set a goal to start sending them 1/2 as frequently in the new year. In 6 months or a year drop the frequency down again. This would only be to help you feel better about the shift.

She is not well and this is not something you can fix. She is not capable of being the person you wish her to be.

[Anonymous]

You can't make her feel the way you do, so focus on what you can do.

Maybe every time you feel inclined to send her something, jot it down for your kids. Eventually you will have a nice scrapbook/journal for them. Maybe someday their own kids will appreciate knowing what their parent was like as a child. If nothing else, it will be cathartic for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

Why is it hard to understand? Your own husband doesn’t want a relationship with his family; they don’t want a relationship with him. He sounds exactly like them, except he happens to be married to you. Likely you will have to do all the relationship lifting in your own family when your kids are adults.

[Anonymous]

She’s not your problem. YOU are. You are feeling guilty for no reason. She is signaling to you over and over and over that she is not interested. You don’t need to feel guilty. You do not owe her anything, you don’t work for her, and you aren’t obligated to persist in this one-way dynamic, a dynamic that repeatedly causes you harm.

Moreover, she is your DH’s mother. Let him handle the relationship. You are trying to create something that is sheer fantasy and your idea of what the relationship “should” be like. Drop that and spend your energy and emotions on people who care about you. Start NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a problem with you, not with your MIL. YOU feel obligated to send her pics of your kids. Her OWN SON doesn't feel obligated. So why do you? Let it go.

Husband/father here, and this is exactly the response I was going to offer. Glad to see others on the same page.

[Anonymous]

MIL chose her kid over your kids. She s a parent first and grandmother second. Her son has needs and issues and is her burden. That is her priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

It is hard but you have to accept that you’ve done your part and ball is in MIL’s court to reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Op you are the only person here with a problem.

Everyone else was apparently totally fine with the status quo; you husband, mil and bil were all happy not having a relationship. Now little miss thing comes onto the scene and is trying to “family”. Everyone else is annoyed she is inserting herself where she doesn’t belong. And then op has the audacity to bemoan how sad she is that her extended family doesn’t respond with enthusiasm about how she’s the BEST DIL EVER!!!!!

Op back off and seek help.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend this book, if you have a parent or in-law like this:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents

https://www.walmart.com/ip/40968741?sid=8fc49579-bdeb-4999-880e-5454839fdf87

[Anonymous]

You’re a good person you extended every benefit of the doubt.

Now you see it clearly.

You can stop the contact, or you can send occasional update knowing what kind of response you’ll get.

Make the best choice for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I clearly need to just give up and stop trying. It’s just so hard for me to make sense of someone not really wanting a relationship with their own son or grandkids. It just makes me really sad for my husband and daughter, especially coming from a family with close relationships with both sets of grandparents and my own mom. I could never imagine being like this to my adult children and grandkids.

Lady, stop it. You are overriding your DH’s wishes and making it about your feelings. I don’t know about this “could never imagine” BS. You see it and live it. Let go. This is a you problem.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to MYOB and let your DH handle his relationship with his mother. You also sound narcissistic and with a savior complex.