Long-Term Relationships

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend had a nine year relationship with a woman. They broke up several years ago. He told me that he was never really in love with her, but the relationship worked out on a superficial level for many years. He felt early on that she was not someone that he wanted to marry or stay with for life, but they both enjoyed the companionship and he was honest with her. They eventually broke up, but remained friends and in casual contact. We have been dating for 3 years and he recently proposed to me. I love him very much and I'm excited about our engagement, but I sometimes think about his previous relationship and why he remained in the relationship knowing that he was not interested in a future. It worries me a bit. I brought up my concerns and he told me that his feelings for me are very different and we are a lot more compatible. My therapist tells me that it isnt that different from a marriage that ended in divorce and sometimes people can grow apart or they stay together long-term because it is comfortable and there isn't anything else or better out there. I just don't think that I would stay in a nine year relationship knowing that there wasn't a future with the guy.

[Anonymous]

Nine years is a long time… So is your three years.

Yellow flag.

[Anonymous]

I’m in love with someone who had been in a relationship for ten years and broke up and said that she wasn’t the right woman for him anyway. He doesn’t want to be with me because there is no long-term potential.

I’ve been married for more than 20 years to someone who is not the right man for me and has never been.

Not sure why it’s so complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in love with someone who had been in a relationship for ten years and broke up and said that she wasn’t the right woman for him anyway. He doesn’t want to be with me because there is no long-term potential.

I’ve been married for more than 20 years to someone who is not the right man for me and has never been.

Not sure why it’s so complicated.

It's not complicated, but I personally cannot imagine staying with a man for years knowing that he does not truly love me and does not see a future with me. At the same time, I wonder what truly happened (I only know his side of the story of course) and it makes me a bit anxious.

[Anonymous]

They both stayed for companionship. It met their needs at the time. Not everyone is driven by a desire for marriage in every relationship. Relationships aren’t rom coms or fairy tales. They are complex interactions and dynamics and people get u to them and stay in them for many reasons. If it was what they both wanted, they were honest about it and it met their needs at the time, I don’t know why you would have an issue. The fact he wasn’t thinking about marriage over a decade ago doesn’t mean that isn’t something he wants now at this stage in life. I find it stranger when people only date for marriage, a lot of people get married far too young due to that mentality. Nothing wrong with giving yourself a bit of time to know what you want and who you want and live as an independent adult before seeking a relationship for the purpose of marriage.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that he was clear in his mind that there wasn’t a future, and he did communicate that, but that she was kind of delusional about it in her own mind.

DH has a friend who recently moved here and purchased a condo that he is renovating. He has had a girlfriend for about 7 years now who lives about 300 miles away. Her elderly father lives there, and she isn’t moving. He is clear that they are not getting married. But when I talk to her alone, she will tell me about the babies they will have together. She just can’t seem to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend had a nine year relationship with a woman. They broke up several years ago. He told me that he was never really in love with her, but the relationship worked out on a superficial level for many years. He felt early on that she was not someone that he wanted to marry or stay with for life, but they both enjoyed the companionship and he was honest with her. They eventually broke up, but remained friends and in casual contact. We have been dating for 3 years and he recently proposed to me. I love him very much and I'm excited about our engagement, but I sometimes think about his previous relationship and why he remained in the relationship knowing that he was not interested in a future. It worries me a bit. I brought up my concerns and he told me that his feelings for me are very different and we are a lot more compatible. My therapist tells me that it isnt that different from a marriage that ended in divorce and sometimes people can grow apart or they stay together long-term because it is comfortable and there isn't anything else or better out there. I just don't think that I would stay in a nine year relationship knowing that there wasn't a future with the guy.

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship, I think it's somewhat positive that he has been on a commitment-escalation track with you. Do you feel that he had a hard time committing at various other stages of the relationship? It doesn't sound like he was engaged to his ex, just that they stayed together without engagement for longer than you are comfortable with.

My husband was married before me, and he has been pretty clear that he married her for the wrong reasons, that they were incompatible, and that none of those things apply to our relationship, which he is very committed to in a way that apparently didn't exist in his previous relationships. It's not impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They both stayed for companionship. It met their needs at the time. Not everyone is driven by a desire for marriage in every relationship. Relationships aren’t rom coms or fairy tales. They are complex interactions and dynamics and people get u to them and stay in them for many reasons. If it was what they both wanted, they were honest about it and it met their needs at the time, I don’t know why you would have an issue. The fact he wasn’t thinking about marriage over a decade ago doesn’t mean that isn’t something he wants now at this stage in life. I find it stranger when people only date for marriage, a lot of people get married far too young due to that mentality. Nothing wrong with giving yourself a bit of time to know what you want and who you want and live as an independent adult before seeking a relationship for the purpose of marriage.

They weren't super young when they got together and they were both divorced. I feel that she was hoping for a future with him and had communicated this to him, but he declined, yet they stayed a few years after the conversation. I feel that she held on to hope for many years since they talked about a future together in the very beginning of their relationship. And then he decided that they weren't compatible after a few years together. I don't have an issue with this, but I also do not want to overlook any red flags. This is my first relationship post divorce (6 years). I dated only casually and I honestly had no intent to get remarried until I met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend had a nine year relationship with a woman. They broke up several years ago. He told me that he was never really in love with her, but the relationship worked out on a superficial level for many years. He felt early on that she was not someone that he wanted to marry or stay with for life, but they both enjoyed the companionship and he was honest with her. They eventually broke up, but remained friends and in casual contact. We have been dating for 3 years and he recently proposed to me. I love him very much and I'm excited about our engagement, but I sometimes think about his previous relationship and why he remained in the relationship knowing that he was not interested in a future. It worries me a bit. I brought up my concerns and he told me that his feelings for me are very different and we are a lot more compatible. My therapist tells me that it isnt that different from a marriage that ended in divorce and sometimes people can grow apart or they stay together long-term because it is comfortable and there isn't anything else or better out there. I just don't think that I would stay in a nine year relationship knowing that there wasn't a future with the guy.

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship, I think it's somewhat positive that he has been on a commitment-escalation track with you. Do you feel that he had a hard time committing at various other stages of the relationship? It doesn't sound like he was engaged to his ex, just that they stayed together without engagement for longer than you are comfortable with.

My husband was married before me, and he has been pretty clear that he married her for the wrong reasons, that they were incompatible, and that none of those things apply to our relationship, which he is very committed to in a way that apparently didn't exist in his previous relationships. It's not impossible.

He has been super committed to me the entire time that we have been dating. He is attentive and loving and we have really grown as a couple. We share quite a few common interests and we enjoy long conversations and truthfully, we have never been bored with each other and we love each other a lot. We also have good physical chemistry. I don't necessarily feel insecure about my relationship with him, but there were times when I wondered if he strung her along perhaps. He said that he was completely honest with her and that she accepted the relationship though her friends often encouraged her to break up with him. I feel that she held on to hope that he would eventually change his mind. She didn't want to get married again, but she wanted him to stay with her as a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that he was clear in his mind that there wasn’t a future, and he did communicate that, but that she was kind of delusional about it in her own mind.

DH has a friend who recently moved here and purchased a condo that he is renovating. He has had a girlfriend for about 7 years now who lives about 300 miles away. Her elderly father lives there, and she isn’t moving. He is clear that they are not getting married. But when I talk to her alone, she will tell me about the babies they will have together. She just can’t seem to see it.

You might have a point and that could have been part of the issue.

[Anonymous]

I would not get remarried. You have both been divorced already. And he has had another nine year relationship that “didn’t work out.” This isn’t a guy who can sustain something til death do you part. If you love each other, just keep on keeping on until he changes his mind (he has done this twice already).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get remarried. You have both been divorced already. And he has had another nine year relationship that “didn’t work out.” This isn’t a guy who can sustain something til death do you part. If you love each other, just keep on keeping on until he changes his mind (he has done this twice already).

This is my concern. I'm concerned that he will feel 'incompatible' with me six years from now.

[Anonymous]

Third marriage for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Third marriage for him?

No, he only had one marriage, but one long-term relationship after the marriage. This will be his second marriage as well as my second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get remarried. You have both been divorced already. And he has had another nine year relationship that “didn’t work out.” This isn’t a guy who can sustain something til death do you part. If you love each other, just keep on keeping on until he changes his mind (he has done this twice already).

Hmm .. This.