Long-Term Relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend had a nine year relationship with a woman. They broke up several years ago. He told me that he was never really in love with her, but the relationship worked out on a superficial level for many years. He felt early on that she was not someone that he wanted to marry or stay with for life, but they both enjoyed the companionship and he was honest with her. They eventually broke up, but remained friends and in casual contact. We have been dating for 3 years and he recently proposed to me. I love him very much and I'm excited about our engagement, but I sometimes think about his previous relationship and why he remained in the relationship knowing that he was not interested in a future. It worries me a bit. I brought up my concerns and he told me that his feelings for me are very different and we are a lot more compatible. My therapist tells me that it isnt that different from a marriage that ended in divorce and sometimes people can grow apart or they stay together long-term because it is comfortable and there isn't anything else or better out there. I just don't think that I would stay in a nine year relationship knowing that there wasn't a future with the guy.

The common denominator is he being honest about his feeling in both relationships. He is not a dumping type. OP is the opposite. So, what's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They both stayed for companionship. It met their needs at the time. Not everyone is driven by a desire for marriage in every relationship. Relationships aren’t rom coms or fairy tales. They are complex interactions and dynamics and people get u to them and stay in them for many reasons. If it was what they both wanted, they were honest about it and it met their needs at the time, I don’t know why you would have an issue. The fact he wasn’t thinking about marriage over a decade ago doesn’t mean that isn’t something he wants now at this stage in life. I find it stranger when people only date for marriage, a lot of people get married far too young due to that mentality. Nothing wrong with giving yourself a bit of time to know what you want and who you want and live as an independent adult before seeking a relationship for the purpose of marriage.

They weren't super young when they got together and they were both divorced. I feel that she was hoping for a future with him and had communicated this to him, but he declined, yet they stayed a few years after the conversation. I feel that she held on to hope for many years since they talked about a future together in the very beginning of their relationship. And then he decided that they weren't compatible after a few years together. I don't have an issue with this, but I also do not want to overlook any red flags. This is my first relationship post divorce (6 years). I dated only casually and I honestly had no intent to get remarried until I met him.

Was he stringing her along?
If he was aware that her goals were not aligned with his, he should have done her a favor and cut it off. He was wasting her time. She was a mode of convenience for him.

[Anonymous]

I personally found though my dating that men who had history of stringing along a prior GF are the most flaky, undecided types. That lack of self awareness or goal setting would manifest in poor planning abilities in relationships, work, avoidant tendencies etc. OP might marry him and he would change his mind on having a baby. Or they would have a much desired baby and he would decide he's not meant to be dad and bail out.

Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They both stayed for companionship. It met their needs at the time. Not everyone is driven by a desire for marriage in every relationship. Relationships aren’t rom coms or fairy tales. They are complex interactions and dynamics and people get u to them and stay in them for many reasons. If it was what they both wanted, they were honest about it and it met their needs at the time, I don’t know why you would have an issue. The fact he wasn’t thinking about marriage over a decade ago doesn’t mean that isn’t something he wants now at this stage in life. I find it stranger when people only date for marriage, a lot of people get married far too young due to that mentality. Nothing wrong with giving yourself a bit of time to know what you want and who you want and live as an independent adult before seeking a relationship for the purpose of marriage.

They weren't super young when they got together and they were both divorced. I feel that she was hoping for a future with him and had communicated this to him, but he declined, yet they stayed a few years after the conversation. I feel that she held on to hope for many years since they talked about a future together in the very beginning of their relationship. And then he decided that they weren't compatible after a few years together. I don't have an issue with this, but I also do not want to overlook any red flags. This is my first relationship post divorce (6 years). I dated only casually and I honestly had no intent to get remarried until I met him.

Was he stringing her along?
If he was aware that her goals were not aligned with his, he should have done her a favor and cut it off. He was wasting her time. She was a mode of convenience for him.

She also knew his goals didn't align with her and chose to stay. Women are actually also capable of making decisions about their own lives. They both knew how the other felt, they both chose to stay. It was working for both of them, they stayed friends after - no ones time was wasted. Women are not passive participants in life. They have autonomy and choice and can use it as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally found though my dating that men who had history of stringing along a prior GF are the most flaky, undecided types. That lack of self awareness or goal setting would manifest in poor planning abilities in relationships, work, avoidant tendencies etc. OP might marry him and he would change his mind on having a baby. Or they would have a much desired baby and he would decide he's not meant to be dad and bail out.

Been there, done that.

He wasn't stringing her along or changing his mind. Sounds like he was honest and transparent and they both decided it worked for them in whatever capacity that was and stayed friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that he was clear in his mind that there wasn’t a future, and he did communicate that, but that she was kind of delusional about it in her own mind.

DH has a friend who recently moved here and purchased a condo that he is renovating. He has had a girlfriend for about 7 years now who lives about 300 miles away. Her elderly father lives there, and she isn’t moving. He is clear that they are not getting married. But when I talk to her alone, she will tell me about the babies they will have together. She just can’t seem to see it.

How old is the girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

**the girlfriend with the elderly dad who lives 300 miles away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally found though my dating that men who had history of stringing along a prior GF are the most flaky, undecided types. That lack of self awareness or goal setting would manifest in poor planning abilities in relationships, work, avoidant tendencies etc. OP might marry him and he would change his mind on having a baby. Or they would have a much desired baby and he would decide he's not meant to be dad and bail out.

Been there, done that.

He wasn't stringing her along or changing his mind. Sounds like he was honest and transparent and they both decided it worked for them in whatever capacity that was and stayed friends.

No man would stay so long if it wasn't a very strong relationship. And if he did, I would be seriously concerned about him separating sex and emotions and he wouldn't be a match for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally found though my dating that men who had history of stringing along a prior GF are the most flaky, undecided types. That lack of self awareness or goal setting would manifest in poor planning abilities in relationships, work, avoidant tendencies etc. OP might marry him and he would change his mind on having a baby. Or they would have a much desired baby and he would decide he's not meant to be dad and bail out.

Been there, done that.

He wasn't stringing her along or changing his mind. Sounds like he was honest and transparent and they both decided it worked for them in whatever capacity that was and stayed friends.

No man would stay so long if it wasn't a very strong relationship. And if he did, I would be seriously concerned about him separating sex and emotions and he wouldn't be a match for me

I think this is completely wrong. Plenty of people of both sexes stay in relationships that are comfortable enough. If there’s no big reason to leave, people often just stay. OP, instead of analyzing this guy’s past, trust yourself. You’ve known him for years. You should know how he feels about you by now. This just sounds like excuses to not be close or maybe anxiety. Examine the relationship he is in now, with you and make decisions based on that, not some guesses about a prior girlfriend. And for the love of god, not from some stranger on the internet who knows nothing about anything but feels confident enough to imply what you should be doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:**the girlfriend with the elderly dad who lives 300 miles away

I don’t know exactly. She’s a doctor and finished residency and fellowship and has been in practice for a few years. So I would guess mid-thirties.