Has anyone successfully reconciled with a remorseful cheating spouse? If so, how?

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear about your experience. Long story short, I recently learned that spouse had a 6 month affair. 20 year marriage with three kids and two still in the house. Cheating spouse is deeply remorseful, completely cut off from the affair partner, and doing everything they possibly can to try and save the marriage. Has anyone successfully reconciled under this scenario? Can you ever trust someone again after this kind of betrayal? Right now, the kids are the only reason I would consider staying. Finances are not a material issue.

[Anonymous]

Why would you? The reasons he cheated are still there. He'll just cheat again eventually.

[Anonymous]

I feel this get posted weekly. OP, search out the many threads for answers.

[Anonymous]

Exceedingly rare and when it does happen, the long-term outcomes are bad.

[Anonymous]

I did. She had a year long affair with a coworker. We successfully got past it and she ended up having another affair (I think with multiple people) two years later. I called it at that point and we got a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Spouse is remorseful after you found out about the affair-they would have carried on if you hadn't found out....

[Anonymous]

OP you are going to find that most of the posters on this board who reconciled with their spouses suffered a repeat incident later. Whether that reflects reality or not I don’t know. But that is what has happened to the people here. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think the big open question would be WHY did he have an affair?

I’d be much more willing to forgive and move past it if I understood what happened and this felt it could be addressed. So - just got bored? Nope. Gave into temptation? Nope. Unequal sex drives (presumably not changing)? Nope.

We went through a legitimately rough time in our marriage for whatever reason and came out the other side having addressed all our core issues? But it turns out he cheated during our low point? I could maybe get past that. Had a parent die and it wrecked them and they developed a severe depression and used illicit sex as a coping mechanism, but have gone through therapy, gotten past it, and now have the coping skills to better deal with something like this in the future? Sounds manageable.

[Anonymous]

Did they confess or were you the one to find out?

[Anonymous]

Yes, people do, but best not to rush into it. You can work on the marriage while reserving the right to decide to end it - in six months, a year, whenever. You may get to a point where you mostly trust him, or you may not get there. It's probably a few years' project at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the big open question would be WHY did he have an affair?

I’d be much more willing to forgive and move past it if I understood what happened and this felt it could be addressed. So - just got bored? Nope. Gave into temptation? Nope. Unequal sex drives (presumably not changing)? Nope.

We went through a legitimately rough time in our marriage for whatever reason and came out the other side having addressed all our core issues? But it turns out he cheated during our low point? I could maybe get past that. Had a parent die and it wrecked them and they developed a severe depression and used illicit sex as a coping mechanism, but have gone through therapy, gotten past it, and now have the coping skills to better deal with something like this in the future? Sounds manageable.

PP here to add - this also, to me, contributes to the depth of the betrayal. In both of the situations I mentioned where I might be able to get past it, I might be shocked, but I wouldn’t feel blindsided. I would have known, in both of those scenarios, that something was deeply wrong.

A situation where I thought everything was great and wonderful and he was secretly cheating? I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. That’s so scary.

[Anonymous]

What is a legitimately acceptable reason to have an affair? Nothing, there isn't one. The bar is never low enough.

Even so, I don't think most cheaters ARE remorseful. Speaking from my own experience, of course. I cheated, I got caught, reconciled, yet I don't feel real remorse or guilt.

[Anonymous]

This is not the place for advice on this. Find an individual therapist for you to get clear on what YOU want.

Then a couples counselor trained in discernment.

No need to rush anything. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a legitimately acceptable reason to have an affair? Nothing, there isn't one. The bar is never low enough.

Even so, I don't think most cheaters ARE remorseful. Speaking from my own experience, of course. I cheated, I got caught, reconciled, yet I don't feel real remorse or guilt.

Is remorse necessary? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

It’s the 6 month thing that I have trouble with, unless you mean 6 months, but only seeing each other a couple of times.

I MIGHT be able to get past some sort of “oops” or drank too much at a work event and met up a couple of times situation. What i couldn’t work with was an extended period of time of lying, sneaking around, blaming relationship problems on me and scheming behind my back. So, we’re getting divorced.

I don’t see a good way to bounce back from such an effort filled betrayal.

I’ve really dragged my feet on the process to try to get my kids out the door first though.