Has anyone successfully reconciled with a remorseful cheating spouse? If so, how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear about your experience. Long story short, I recently learned that spouse had a 6 month affair. 20 year marriage with three kids and two still in the house. Cheating spouse is deeply remorseful, completely cut off from the affair partner, and doing everything they possibly can to try and save the marriage. Has anyone successfully reconciled under this scenario? Can you ever trust someone again after this kind of betrayal? Right now, the kids are the only reason I would consider staying. Finances are not a material issue.

How did you find out?

Who was the AP? (i.e. friend, co-worker, someone random he met online?)

This is the OP. The responses so far are not very hopeful or optimistic. I found out because the AP called me at work a couple of weeks ago. To say I was completely blindsided, and am currently devastated, would be an understatement. She called after he broke it off with her and she realized that he wasn't going to leave his family for her. She does not live in this area, and based on what she told me, they saw each other roughly five times during the course of those six months. She is tangentially, but not directly, related to his work. She is married as well and told her husband. I believe they are now separated. I do not want to go into the details, but the sheer magnitude of the deception is overwhelming. My brain can't really process it. I have read that I should not make any rash decisions in the immediate aftermath so other than getting the ball rolling on a post-nuptual agreement, I have done very little. I have focused on taking care of myself and the kids, my work obligations, and continuing to see friends. I have not told anyone, other than a therapist, about any of this. We are not currently sharing a bedroom because I can't stand to look at him or touch him right now. He is going to therapy, church, spending time with the kids, and trying his very best to give me what I need (whether that be space or serve as an outlet for all my anger and sadness). I am a complete loss.

6 months is a long time to actively practice deception and gaslight you. It is also a very unpromising sign that the affair only came to light because the disgruntled AP contacted you. Your spouse is probably only upset that he got caught and is desperately going through the motions to trying to avoid disrupting his lifestyle. Get into individual therapy for yourself. Marriage counseling is a waste of time unless your spouse works on his own IC first, otherwise the issues that led him to cheat are still there. You can read Chump Lady’s Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life but she is generally opposed to reconciliation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're 18 years out and I am nearly certain there's not been more cheating.

I have no idea how that compares to others.

In our case, we did a lot of work together, I did a lot of work and spouse did too. It was really hard. Time is a healer. Although, sometimes it's still hard, though I don't think spouse thinks it is (and it's a different sort of hard, more like poking a bruise). I'm glad we reconciled.

What work ? Did you cheat too?

+1. What nonsense. Everyone has faults and limitations. That is no excuse for someone cheating.

It’s the “we “ for me.

Love how these doormats who are cheated and lied to on take on that responsibility of “ doing the work “ to fix things

Umm Yeah NO we.
Ick!

[Anonymous]

Girl run