Has anyone successfully reconciled with a remorseful cheating spouse? If so, how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 6 month thing that I have trouble with, unless you mean 6 months, but only seeing each other a couple of times.

I MIGHT be able to get past some sort of “oops” or drank too much at a work event and met up a couple of times situation. What i couldn’t work with was an extended period of time of lying, sneaking around, blaming relationship problems on me and scheming behind my back. So, we’re getting divorced.

I don’t see a good way to bounce back from such an effort filled betrayal.

I’ve really dragged my feet on the process to try to get my kids out the door first though.

How long did you stay for the kids? I am trying but its super hard!

[Anonymous]

We're 18 years out and I am nearly certain there's not been more cheating.

I have no idea how that compares to others.

In our case, we did a lot of work together, I did a lot of work and spouse did too. It was really hard. Time is a healer. Although, sometimes it's still hard, though I don't think spouse thinks it is (and it's a different sort of hard, more like poking a bruise). I'm glad we reconciled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you? The reasons he cheated are still there. He'll just cheat again eventually.

Those reasons are on both sides, most likely. OP is not responsible for his huge mistake, but if he’s remorseful and doing all the very hard work like she says, then she has to do some work at some point too. Probably not worth throwing your life away, TBH. I know you feel like you want to vomit. I’ve been there. But don’t make any decisions for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear about your experience. Long story short, I recently learned that spouse had a 6 month affair. 20 year marriage with three kids and two still in the house. Cheating spouse is deeply remorseful, completely cut off from the affair partner, and doing everything they possibly can to try and save the marriage. Has anyone successfully reconciled under this scenario? Can you ever trust someone again after this kind of betrayal? Right now, the kids are the only reason I would consider staying. Finances are not a material issue.

Men can't be trusted. 95% of men cheat. Unless you don't want an exclusive relationship again, it's better to stay with the cheater you know than the cheater you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Get a post-nup. Yes you say finances aren't a concern but I would do it anyway. Have every last detail in place, and spelled out to your advantage - so you can walk away. At any time.

[Anonymous]

Sure. My parents. Married 65 years

[Anonymous]

Girl … Leopards don’t change their spots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're 18 years out and I am nearly certain there's not been more cheating.

I have no idea how that compares to others.

In our case, we did a lot of work together, I did a lot of work and spouse did too. It was really hard. Time is a healer. Although, sometimes it's still hard, though I don't think spouse thinks it is (and it's a different sort of hard, more like poking a bruise). I'm glad we reconciled.

What work ? Did you cheat too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are going to find that most of the posters on this board who reconciled with their spouses suffered a repeat incident later. Whether that reflects reality or not I don’t know. But that is what has happened to the people here. Good luck.

Those that are happy and moved on aren’t here.

Many people have dealt with this in a long marriage- many moved on fine when the person took 100% personal responsibility and did their own therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear about your experience. Long story short, I recently learned that spouse had a 6 month affair. 20 year marriage with three kids and two still in the house. Cheating spouse is deeply remorseful, completely cut off from the affair partner, and doing everything they possibly can to try and save the marriage. Has anyone successfully reconciled under this scenario? Can you ever trust someone again after this kind of betrayal? Right now, the kids are the only reason I would consider staying. Finances are not a material issue.

How did you find out?

Who was the AP? (i.e. friend, co-worker, someone random he met online?)

[Anonymous]

No, but I don’t wish her harm anymore so I was able to forgive her betrayal. Maybe I am broken, but I got to a point where I saw her limitations more than her potential. She wasn’t addressing her limitations and I became a man that values quality relationships over convenient connections. Her actions changed me and my understanding of who she is underneath the facade. Maybe someday she will do the work to have integrity, but until then her place in my life will be minimized in every way possible.

[Anonymous]

I know a condescending, dismissive woman who reconciled with her nice guy husband who cheated on her. When they reconciled, she promised to be nice and he promised to be faithful. A decade later, they're together and seem happier than before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear about your experience. Long story short, I recently learned that spouse had a 6 month affair. 20 year marriage with three kids and two still in the house. Cheating spouse is deeply remorseful, completely cut off from the affair partner, and doing everything they possibly can to try and save the marriage. Has anyone successfully reconciled under this scenario? Can you ever trust someone again after this kind of betrayal? Right now, the kids are the only reason I would consider staying. Finances are not a material issue.

How did you find out?

Who was the AP? (i.e. friend, co-worker, someone random he met online?)

This is the OP. The responses so far are not very hopeful or optimistic. I found out because the AP called me at work a couple of weeks ago. To say I was completely blindsided, and am currently devastated, would be an understatement. She called after he broke it off with her and she realized that he wasn't going to leave his family for her. She does not live in this area, and based on what she told me, they saw each other roughly five times during the course of those six months. She is tangentially, but not directly, related to his work. She is married as well and told her husband. I believe they are now separated. I do not want to go into the details, but the sheer magnitude of the deception is overwhelming. My brain can't really process it. I have read that I should not make any rash decisions in the immediate aftermath so other than getting the ball rolling on a post-nuptual agreement, I have done very little. I have focused on taking care of myself and the kids, my work obligations, and continuing to see friends. I have not told anyone, other than a therapist, about any of this. We are not currently sharing a bedroom because I can't stand to look at him or touch him right now. He is going to therapy, church, spending time with the kids, and trying his very best to give me what I need (whether that be space or serve as an outlet for all my anger and sadness). I am a complete loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is remorseful after you found out about the affair-they would have carried on if you hadn't found out....

+1. Six months! This is not a one time oops. Six months is a long time to be lying and sneaking.

If you reconcile with them, accept that they will probably cheat again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're 18 years out and I am nearly certain there's not been more cheating.

I have no idea how that compares to others.

In our case, we did a lot of work together, I did a lot of work and spouse did too. It was really hard. Time is a healer. Although, sometimes it's still hard, though I don't think spouse thinks it is (and it's a different sort of hard, more like poking a bruise). I'm glad we reconciled.

What work ? Did you cheat too?

+1. What nonsense. Everyone has faults and limitations. That is no excuse for someone cheating.