Shift in 9th, saying he doesn’t care, labeled as smart, do things that are “nerdy”. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

My son is a freshman and it has been a big adjustment in high school with lots of homework especially playing a sport this fall. However, he seems to have even out a little bit and figure out what he needs to do and overall is doing well. He has mostly A’s and a couple Bs.

There have been a couple of assignments that he’s missed been turned in late – – he does have ADHD and I think it’s just a lot to manage.

He’s always been a very diligent student and that remains however he started saying things like “you don’t want to be the student who turns in all their homework no one does that” or “ I don’t care where I go to college it doesn’t matter anyway“. We literally don’t even talk about colleges! I don’t know if he’s feeling pressure in general just being around smart kids or what? This is his way of processing it all?

He also seems to have a weird distinction/aversion to being “nerdy“ or labeled as smart. He doesn’t want to do theater or chest – – things he’s loved in the past because he’s afraid he will be labeled I guess? We are very supportive of whatever he does. It’s a shift— I think he may be more aware of trying to be cool/fit in with “ cool kids.” Honestly I don’t love that.

I think some of it is defensive behavior/not being able to deal with the emotions that come along with that times not having things completely under control (forget to turn something in, just say you don’t care)? I’m not sure?

But he is working hard and he does seem to mostly be on top of things to date, we are just going to make sure that continues.

If/When/how should I address it more directly? More late/missed work? Grades slipping?

And I wish you would try for things like theater because he truly enjoyed them so much in middle school but I think it’s probably best to not push

[Anonymous]

what sort of school is he in?

[Anonymous]

DP if anyone has advice or experience, i would be very interested too.

[Anonymous]

Is this in the DMV?

[Anonymous]

Yes in the DMV. Now at a Catholic 9-12. Came from a K-8 (not Catholic) and public before that. A little of this started towards the end of 8th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a freshman and it has been a big adjustment in high school with lots of homework especially playing a sport this fall. However, he seems to have even out a little bit and figure out what he needs to do and overall is doing well. He has mostly A’s and a couple Bs.

There have been a couple of assignments that he’s missed been turned in late – – he does have ADHD and I think it’s just a lot to manage.

He’s always been a very diligent student and that remains however he started saying things like “you don’t want to be the student who turns in all their homework no one does that” or “ I don’t care where I go to college it doesn’t matter anyway“. We literally don’t even talk about colleges! I don’t know if he’s feeling pressure in general just being around smart kids or what? This is his way of processing it all?

He also seems to have a weird distinction/aversion to being “nerdy“ or labeled as smart. He doesn’t want to do theater or chest – – things he’s loved in the past because he’s afraid he will be labeled I guess? We are very supportive of whatever he does. It’s a shift— I think he may be more aware of trying to be cool/fit in with “ cool kids.” Honestly I don’t love that.

I think some of it is defensive behavior/not being able to deal with the emotions that come along with that times not having things completely under control (forget to turn something in, just say you don’t care)? I’m not sure?

But he is working hard and he does seem to mostly be on top of things to date, we are just going to make sure that continues.

If/When/how should I address it more directly? More late/missed work? Grades slipping?

And I wish you would try for things like theater because he truly enjoyed them so much in middle school but I think it’s probably best to not push

So normal for boys this age. Total aversion to being seen as a 'try hard'. They are also trying to figure out who they are. You can sympathize but also tell them to do a favor to their future selves and not close doors by making dumb academic decisions.

[Anonymous]

He's noticing what's cool and what's not. Chess and theater are definitely not cool and have stereotypes. If he doesn't want to do them, don't push him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is a freshman and it has been a big adjustment in high school with lots of homework especially playing a sport this fall. However, he seems to have even out a little bit and figure out what he needs to do and overall is doing well. He has mostly A’s and a couple Bs.

There have been a couple of assignments that he’s missed been turned in late – – he does have ADHD and I think it’s just a lot to manage.

He’s always been a very diligent student and that remains however he started saying things like “you don’t want to be the student who turns in all their homework no one does that” or “ I don’t care where I go to college it doesn’t matter anyway“. We literally don’t even talk about colleges! I don’t know if he’s feeling pressure in general just being around smart kids or what? This is his way of processing it all?

He also seems to have a weird distinction/aversion to being “nerdy“ or labeled as smart. He doesn’t want to do theater or chest – – things he’s loved in the past because he’s afraid he will be labeled I guess? We are very supportive of whatever he does. It’s a shift— I think he may be more aware of trying to be cool/fit in with “ cool kids.” Honestly I don’t love that.

I think some of it is defensive behavior/not being able to deal with the emotions that come along with that times not having things completely under control (forget to turn something in, just say you don’t care)? I’m not sure?

But he is working hard and he does seem to mostly be on top of things to date, we are just going to make sure that continues.

If/When/how should I address it more directly? More late/missed work? Grades slipping?

And I wish you would try for things like theater because he truly enjoyed them so much in middle school but I think it’s probably best to not push

So normal for boys this age. Total aversion to being seen as a 'try hard'. They are also trying to figure out who they are. You can sympathize but also tell them to do a favor to their future selves and not close doors by making dumb academic decisions.

OP here – – this is very helpful! And that will be our talking point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's noticing what's cool and what's not. Chess and theater are definitely not cool and have stereotypes. If he doesn't want to do them, don't push him.

How big is the school that he is at? Are there enough kids that there is a theatre crowd and a sporty crowd and a STEM crowd? A school that is too small to allow kids to find their group and be comfortable with that group could be the problem. You said he had a fall sport, is getting pressure from teammates to drop non-sporty things? I say this as someone who was a varsity athlete and in band and in choir and never really settled into one group or the other. I was fine with having friends in both groups but not being seen as a "member" of either group but I know some kids struggled with that.

If he stops doing something that he enjoys because he thinks that they are nerdy or geeky or uncool, then he is going to be miserable. The conversation should be about doing what you enjoy, find friends who support your, and don't stop doing something that you enjoy because you are worried about people thinking you are not cool.

If he has something new that he is interested in and wants to explore, then support that exploration. But you need to help him be confident with who he is and what he enjoys.

[Anonymous]

Looks like he’s at a sports school . If he’s a nerd he will be tortured

[Anonymous]

Op here—It’s not a small school, and there are theater/music groups lots of clubs as well as sports at the school. I’m hoping when he’s a little more settled and confident (not even this year necessarily) he’ll move towards stepping out a little bit. For now, honestly the academic piece is what I most concerned about because he’s saying things I’ve never heard him say before – – though I can tell he is trying, and it’s still being diligent/seems to care at least thus far.

[Anonymous]

He needs to grow a spine. The people he is showing off for won't respect him.

[Anonymous]

I told both my sons that good grades would give THEM choices when they applied to colleges.

[Anonymous]

He’s a try hard that’s a shame

[Anonymous]

He’s fine. Just let him be himself.