Sad Sibling Got Married?

[Anonymous]

My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is getting used to it too, from the other angle. The key is for the two of you to have sister time on a regular basis. Maybe she's the person you go see plays with, or you have a once a month catch-up lunch or pedicures (or both). When BIL has to travel for work, or takes his once a year boys trip or whatever, use that time too.

[Anonymous]

Consider yourself very lucky that you had your birth family stay the four of you for thirty years and that you like the brother in law.

My sister got married when I was still in college. To someone I didn't like. Who was loud and demanding and tried to change everything in our family.

But yeah, even if you like someone, it changes the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It is a transition but be happy for her. My sister married someone and cut us all off so she doesn't talk to us anymore; I believe if she didn't marry him we would still be a unit.

Be glad he is a decent person and you all get along.

[Anonymous]

Totally fair to acknowledge the loss that comes w/ change OP. Even when it's happy change, there's still loss.

And there will be richness that comes with family expansion, especially when it's building on strong loving relationships. That will come.

[Anonymous]

You can't be the baby of the family forever. You need to make your own next generation family, or move in with your parents.

[Anonymous]

It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

I’m not childfree. I have a boyfriend I would like to marry and we want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally fair to acknowledge the loss that comes w/ change OP. Even when it's happy change, there's still loss.

And there will be richness that comes with family expansion, especially when it's building on strong loving relationships. That will come.

Good point! Time to embrace new traditions. We are having our first thanksgiving of a family of five in a week and that will be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a transition but be happy for her. My sister married someone and cut us all off so she doesn't talk to us anymore; I believe if she didn't marry him we would still be a unit.

Be glad he is a decent person and you all get along.

Okay the sheer number of people who mention their sister marrying a jerk is much needed perspective. Thanks, guys!

[Anonymous]

This seems weirdly enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems weirdly enmeshed.

Meh. It is a transition and dynamic change. Feeling sad is normal; if she were distraught I’d say that’s too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

Ugh. This is so prejudiced and clueless re childless people.

Let me present the more realistic scenario: My own.

My siblings have kids. They were very demanding and critical of my parents even as my parents aged. Expecting my frail parents to travel and provide a lot of child care.

Meanwhile, my siblings have never done anything FOR my parents. They hide behind their kid and say they are too busy. Even now, when their kids are in college! You know who does everything for my parents? ME. The childless one.

So no, it's NOT the childless adult kid who winds up being the needy one who doesn't help their parents. It's the opposite. The kids who have kids take and take and take and the childless one gives and gives and gives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

I’m not childfree. I have a boyfriend I would like to marry and we want kids.

OP, is this you, answering?

Life is full of changes, and life will change even more for you OP when you marry and have children.
I am not married, and I will probably not have children, but my life is still changing every year.
Sometimes moving, sometimes a new job, new friends, new hobbies, and sometimes, sadly, bereavement.

Feel your feelings about your sister getting married, and then be happy about it, since you like her spouse.
It was a change for me when my brother got married, and it was quite unexpected, but they have been married for 10 years now and are very happy. And his wife is lovely.