Sad Sibling Got Married?

[Anonymous]

You need to get your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

Ugh. This is so prejudiced and clueless re childless people.

Let me present the more realistic scenario: My own.

My siblings have kids. They were very demanding and critical of my parents even as my parents aged. Expecting my frail parents to travel and provide a lot of child care.

Meanwhile, my siblings have never done anything FOR my parents. They hide behind their kid and say they are too busy. Even now, when their kids are in college! You know who does everything for my parents? ME. The childless one.

So no, it's NOT the childless adult kid who winds up being the needy one who doesn't help their parents. It's the opposite. The kids who have kids take and take and take and the childless one gives and gives and gives.

OK, your siblings sound like they have their own issues. My parents never provided any childcare or anything so I guess my experience is different. I have just experienced a lot of millennials who seem to view themselves as someone's child as opposed to an adult/someone's parent and it seems to affect how they navigate most of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

I think everyone is reacting to the fact that you are worried about how your family has changed, but you are 30 and not 16. Have you been living on your own for several years or do you and your sister live at home (before she got married) and have like family game nights weekly?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, after my sister's wedding, I cried when I got home.
It was because of the change. She was the first of the kids to marry. Our nuclear family was starting a big transition where it was no longer nuclear.
It is inevitable. I guess kind of like kids going off to college. You are happy for them as they embark on a new road but the change is tough for us who aren't on that adventure with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, after my sister's wedding, I cried when I got home.
It was because of the change. She was the first of the kids to marry. Our nuclear family was starting a big transition where it was no longer nuclear.
It is inevitable. I guess kind of like kids going off to college. You are happy for them as they embark on a new road but the change is tough for us who aren't on that adventure with them.

This. It's normal, OP.

[Anonymous]

Go watch Family Stone and have a big bowl of ice cream

[Anonymous]

Nothing lasts forever.
Life is always moving like a river so just move with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

Ugh. This is so prejudiced and clueless re childless people.

Let me present the more realistic scenario: My own.

My siblings have kids. They were very demanding and critical of my parents even as my parents aged. Expecting my frail parents to travel and provide a lot of child care.

Meanwhile, my siblings have never done anything FOR my parents. They hide behind their kid and say they are too busy. Even now, when their kids are in college! You know who does everything for my parents? ME. The childless one.

So no, it's NOT the childless adult kid who winds up being the needy one who doesn't help their parents. It's the opposite. The kids who have kids take and take and take and the childless one gives and gives and gives.

This is very family dependent, I'm not sure why you think your experience is universal. I can count on one hand the number of times I've asked my parents for childcare help, whereas they watch my childless sister's dog all the time.

I mean, my oldest DC is 9yo and guess how many times my parents have travlled to US for a holiday? Zero. It's always expected that we travel to them, in part because my childless sister refuses to travel (usually uses work as an excuse but she has a lot of seniority not so that's not really the issue anymore) and they don't want to leave her "alone" (even though she has a boyfriend and we have a lot of extended family there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, after my sister's wedding, I cried when I got home.
It was because of the change. She was the first of the kids to marry. Our nuclear family was starting a big transition where it was no longer nuclear.
It is inevitable. I guess kind of like kids going off to college. You are happy for them as they embark on a new road but the change is tough for us who aren't on that adventure with them.

This. It's normal, OP.

+1

Also, multiple things can be true at the same time, i.e., it's fine to feel sad while at the same time feel excited for your sister and grateful you like her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

What’s a weird dynamic is to be so enmeshed with your FOB at age 30 that this troubles you in any way. at 25 I hade my own home, a fiance, and saw my parents ever other weekend for family dinner. They had their own friends, activities, and jobs.

[Anonymous]

Sad Sibling Still Single, would be more accurate title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

What’s a weird dynamic is to be so enmeshed with your FOB at age 30 that this troubles you in any way. at 25 I hade my own home, a fiance, and saw my parents ever other weekend for family dinner. They had their own friends, activities, and jobs.

What's a FOB? Friends of Bill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

What’s a weird dynamic is to be so enmeshed with your FOB at age 30 that this troubles you in any way. at 25 I hade my own home, a fiance, and saw my parents ever other weekend for family dinner. They had their own friends, activities, and jobs.

What's a FOB? Friends of Bill?

Freight on Board IIRC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister got married a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of sad ever since. It's just the two of us and our parents, and for 30 years we were just the four of us. I love my new BIL but everything just seems like it's changing so quickly and nothing will ever be the same again.

That's it. There's literally no drama, if anything I have a very happy sister and a wonderful new brother. I just don't like change.

Any advice? I would never ever talk to my sister or parents about this bc I don't want them to feel like it's a problem rather than my own internal fear of change.

I hope you’re not the passive aggressive type who is waiting out your sister’s marriage - you’ll be the sisters shoulder to cry on when family stress leads to divorce? I get real narcissistic vibes from your post.

OP here - I don't think they'll get divorced, actually, so no, I'm not.

Jeeze. All I meant was it's a weird dynamic and I feel kind of sad about how my family has changed but I also am happy for my sister and love my new brother.

What’s a weird dynamic is to be so enmeshed with your FOB at age 30 that this troubles you in any way. at 25 I hade my own home, a fiance, and saw my parents ever other weekend for family dinner. They had their own friends, activities, and jobs.

Some of you really need to learn what "enmeshed" means because you keep using it to mean any time an adult child actually likes their parents and siblings and that's...not what it means.