Sad Sibling Got Married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad Sibling Still Single, would be more accurate title.

She's not single if you actually read instead of rushing to post rude things.

I agree w/ posters who say it's normal to have multiple feelings. Feeling sad about the end of a 30-year dynamic while also being happy and liking the new BIL is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

Ugh. This is so prejudiced and clueless re childless people.

Let me present the more realistic scenario: My own.

My siblings have kids. They were very demanding and critical of my parents even as my parents aged. Expecting my frail parents to travel and provide a lot of child care.

Meanwhile, my siblings have never done anything FOR my parents. They hide behind their kid and say they are too busy. Even now, when their kids are in college! You know who does everything for my parents? ME. The childless one.

So no, it's NOT the childless adult kid who winds up being the needy one who doesn't help their parents. It's the opposite. The kids who have kids take and take and take and the childless one gives and gives and gives.

This is very family dependent, I'm not sure why you think your experience is universal. I can count on one hand the number of times I've asked my parents for childcare help, whereas they watch my childless sister's dog all the time.

I mean, my oldest DC is 9yo and guess how many times my parents have travlled to US for a holiday? Zero. It's always expected that we travel to them, in part because my childless sister refuses to travel (usually uses work as an excuse but she has a lot of seniority not so that's not really the issue anymore) and they don't want to leave her "alone" (even though she has a boyfriend and we have a lot of extended family there).

They live there, their other child lives there, and their extended family lives there...yet you expect them to travel to YOU for the holidays because you have a kid? Yeah, I think this is helping prove the PP's point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad Sibling Still Single, would be more accurate title.

She's not single if you actually read instead of rushing to post rude things.

I agree w/ posters who say it's normal to have multiple feelings. Feeling sad about the end of a 30-year dynamic while also being happy and liking the new BIL is normal.

A few people seem to get it - that it's normal to be sad about inevitable life changes while also being happy for your family - and the rest are weirdly invested in proving OP is some fat millennial who lives in her parents' basement with her "doggo" reading Harry Potter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to reframe at age 30. I have noticed that often childfree adults continue to see themselves in the role of "child" in the world and when they talk about their family, they mean their family of origin. It kind of comes off as arrested development. When you don't go through the shift that occurs when you start your own family, you don't experience the changes it brings to your relationship with your parents and siblings. I think this is a huge consequence of people choosing to not get married/have children.

People should live how they want and no one needs to get married or have kids, but it is interesting to observe as demographics keep changing. It seems to me that it perpetuates an infantilized outlook on life, where the aging parents are still the caretakers and sources of emotional strength for their adult children. Once you get married, your partner becomes that emotional strength source (best case scenario) and when you have your own kids, you sort of shift into a place where you parent the kids while you gradually transition into a role of taking care of your parents (I don't mean changing diapers, more like when you go to their house, you act more like a peer or like you are the one in charge (when it comes to your own kids) and then it goes from there).

The way my single 30something colleagues relate to their parents is baffling to me. Maybe it's just me and I am a stodgy GenXer.

Ugh. This is so prejudiced and clueless re childless people.

Let me present the more realistic scenario: My own.

My siblings have kids. They were very demanding and critical of my parents even as my parents aged. Expecting my frail parents to travel and provide a lot of child care.

Meanwhile, my siblings have never done anything FOR my parents. They hide behind their kid and say they are too busy. Even now, when their kids are in college! You know who does everything for my parents? ME. The childless one.

So no, it's NOT the childless adult kid who winds up being the needy one who doesn't help their parents. It's the opposite. The kids who have kids take and take and take and the childless one gives and gives and gives.

This is very family dependent, I'm not sure why you think your experience is universal. I can count on one hand the number of times I've asked my parents for childcare help, whereas they watch my childless sister's dog all the time.

I mean, my oldest DC is 9yo and guess how many times my parents have travlled to US for a holiday? Zero. It's always expected that we travel to them, in part because my childless sister refuses to travel (usually uses work as an excuse but she has a lot of seniority not so that's not really the issue anymore) and they don't want to leave her "alone" (even though she has a boyfriend and we have a lot of extended family there).

They live there, their other child lives there, and their extended family lives there...yet you expect them to travel to YOU for the holidays because you have a kid? Yeah, I think this is helping prove the PP's point.

Yeah, I kind of wondered why this poster leapt to the conclusion OP was childfree and it is becoming increasingly clear she just has issues within her own family and is projecting.

[Anonymous]

Super normal to feel as if you are losing a sibling when they are the first to get married and you are single. Happned to me when my favorite brother (who doted on me) got married. Then it becomes normal and ok.

Then once your niece or nephew is born, you are so in love with the baby and in your new role as uncle/aunt that you stop giving a futz about your sibling and their spouse. All you want is to snuggle the baby and be with her.