Is my sister being rude or is this normal new parent behavior?

[Anonymous]

I do not have children and attempt to socialize with my sister who has an almost 2 year old. I love my niece, she is precocious and adorable but I also miss socializing with my sister.

Since she gave birth to my niece it’s been really difficult to get her attention or meaningfully engage with her about any subject other than by niece!

She’ll invite me over to hang out, but will spend the entire time talking to and playing with my niece and following her around. Which I understand she must as that’s how toddlers are, but I’m not able to have any conversation with her at all except make comments about my niece! I’ll just sit there or follow my niece and sister around while she talks and engages with the little girl. I feel invisible!

After my niece goes to bed she will understandably be excited and go quiet and scroll her phone.

I miss my sister! And I miss having a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Get together with her by going over right when it's the baby's nap time. Then the two of you can talk. Tell her "I have so much to talk to you about!" If she starts talking about your niece say "Okay I want to hear that, but first we need to talk about how my boyfriend dumped me at my surprise birthday party."

[Anonymous]

Her first priority is her child now, and by supporting that you will have that relationship with her. As time goes on, she will seek out your company for adult conversation more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her first priority is her child now, and by supporting that you will have that relationship with her. As time goes on, she will seek out your company for adult conversation more.

This.

[Anonymous]

If you're coming over during the day just to hang out, yeah it's expected it's going to center around the toddler. It's just how it is when they are awake. She should still be able to talk to you about things other than your niece, but the focal point and all is still going to be her and what she's doing.

Try to get together with her alone. Get her out of the house. Invite her over for dinner just the two of you.

It'll be good for your relationship and it'll be healthy for her to get a break.

[Anonymous]

She's in the thick of it and her child is her priority and at that age it is constant, relentless. Don't start whining or acting like your niece is somehow your competitor. Be patient if you genuinely love and care for your sister. She will end up pulling away from you if you don't acknowledge that she's now a mother and life will never be as it once was. Cause it won't. Adjust to her new reality or risk losing the relationship.

[Anonymous]

You're coming off as completely clueless and petulant, OP. Is she being rude by following around her active 2 year old and having that 2 year old be foremost in her mind at all times? Seriously? No, she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're coming off as completely clueless and petulant, OP. Is she being rude by following around her active 2 year old and having that 2 year old be foremost in her mind at all times? Seriously? No, she's not.

+1 I kept reading waiting for the “rude” part but never got there.

[Anonymous]

Two year olds are a LOT.

Why don't you have kids? Do you want them? Not want them? Are you jealous?

[Anonymous]

Some parents will be entirely focused on their kids, especially when they're toddlers, because that's the most attention-guzzling group. And some parents will make some effort to engage with others. It really depends on what their priorities are and how good multitaskers they can become.

Personally, I really wanted kids and they were my priority, so I was entirely absorbed in their care. Now they're young adults and teens, and I look back on that time period with fond memories. Childhood is fleeting and it feels completely right to focus on it, in my humble opinion.

You need to accept that your relationship with your sibling has for ever changed. It shouldn't stop you from connecting with her! But it won't be in the same ways as before.

[Anonymous]

Scrolling on her phone is rude and I would talk to her about that.

I have sisters with kids and they did not behave like this.

Yes when they were little our time together centered around the kids but they were still able to have adult conversations.

So if she can't engage with you at all it seems like she doesn't really want a relationship with you I would pull back.

[Anonymous]

My friends all had kids before I did. I remember visiting my dear friend and her saying that after her toddler went to bed we were going to be completely quiet for at least an hour.

I remember being really offended the first night. I just wanted to chat and catch up! By the 3rd night I was looking forward to that hour by lunchtime.

By the time I had my own kids, I looked back on that visit and would laugh. That age is so all-consuming. Infants can be plopped down anywhere and you can talk over their heads for hours. But toddlers can move of their own volition and talk and have to eat real food and have schedules! Your sister is probably at the very very worst time for interacting with other adults.

Give her another 18 months or so and try to forgive her. I know it sucks and it’s isolating for you but trust me, it sucks to be her, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scrolling on her phone is rude and I would talk to her about that.

I have sisters with kids and they did not behave like this.

Yes when they were little our time together centered around the kids but they were still able to have adult conversations.

So if she can't engage with you at all it seems like she doesn't really want a relationship with you I would pull back.

This.

[Anonymous]

Offer to pay for a sitter, so you and your sister can go out without the kid. She’s being really rude to you and I’d be upset too.

[Anonymous]

Think of it in the long term. Obviously, you value your sister and your relationship with her.

She has gone through a dramatic transformation and has found that her priorities have likewise dramatically shifted. As others have said, being pregnant, giving birth, having a newborn and then a toddler is a lot! Everything you describe is completely normal for new parents, especially needing to shut her brain off with mindless scrolling once the toddler is asleep. It sounds like right now, she needs you to be there for her. Be there for adult companionship while she attends to her child. Be there as a safe person to let down her guard and just be exhausted. Be there to offer forgiveness when she cannot offer anything more right now.

This is where the long term thinking comes in: this won’t last forever. Toddler parents have to be 100% hands on but it will change. Keep the connection as best as you can, and maybe in 6 months, offer getting together for lunch (not dinner - bedtimes are going to be tricky for a few more years). If her child ever does drop off classes, offer to meet her for coffee during that time. Be flexible to match her routine and it will become easier and easier. And she will be so grateful for you!