When and how can you ask your furloughed spouse to do work around the house?

[Anonymous]

How do I bring this up without getting into a fight? I have waited to see what he would do, and apparently, that answer is - he will do absolutely NOTHING. I'm still working fulltime and going in-office and taking care of everything the kids need.

[Anonymous]

If your spouse was contributing nothing to the household while you were both working full time then that’s the bigger issue. I’m not sure why you would expect his temporary furlough status to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean daily stuff (laundry, dinner, pick up the kids) or big projects?

I think it's totally fine to ask for more help with the daily stuff, although I wouldn't say "it's all yours now" and just completely walk away. I'm furloughed and I'm doing more of that than normal, but haven't taken on 100% of my DH's responsibilities. He's still a parent and it's still a 2 person job.

For big projects, I'd tread carefully. We don't know how long this will last. I've tried to do some decluttering and consignment, and I hate it SO MUCH that I have had to work out hard to calm down after. It makes me mad that I'm spending so many hours trying to make pennies like some poor tradwife instead of using my actual skills to earn our real income.

[Anonymous]

Leave him a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean daily stuff (laundry, dinner, pick up the kids) or big projects?

I think it's totally fine to ask for more help with the daily stuff, although I wouldn't say "it's all yours now" and just completely walk away. I'm furloughed and I'm doing more of that than normal, but haven't taken on 100% of my DH's responsibilities. He's still a parent and it's still a 2 person job.

For big projects, I'd tread carefully. We don't know how long this will last. I've tried to do some decluttering and consignment, and I hate it SO MUCH that I have had to work out hard to calm down after. It makes me mad that I'm spending so many hours trying to make pennies like some poor tradwife instead of using my actual skills to earn our real income.

Damn. I mean, it's almost like all that SAHM tradwife shite is... like... actual work. And thankless, tedious, crazymaking work at that!

[Anonymous]

It's just been a few days. I would let them have downtime for a week before I start complaining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just been a few days. I would let them have downtime for a week before I start complaining

Uhh no. DH is excepted but only certain tasks so he’s only working several hours a day. He’s doing house projects (he has a list, cooking dinner, grocery shopping and handling most kid activities.) you don’t get a week of downtime with kids. You maximize every moment of furlough to get caught up on life.

[Anonymous]

“Hon, since you are not working right now, it would be great if you can pick up some more responsibilities at home.”

Then give him a list of options (more cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just been a few days. I would let them have downtime for a week before I start complaining

She is not “composite ing.”

She is suggesting a fair and logical division of labor. The family should operate as a unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just been a few days. I would let them have downtime for a week before I start complaining

She is not “composite ing.”

She is suggesting a fair and logical division of labor. The family should operate as a unit.

Sorry, first line should read “complaining” not “compositing”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I bring this up without getting into a fight? I have waited to see what he would do, and apparently, that answer is - he will do absolutely NOTHING. I'm still working fulltime and going in-office and taking care of everything the kids need.

I asked DH Sunday night if he had a list of priorities for the downtime, he said no, and I suggested a few things that would be helpful but are not in the daily rotation (purging toys from the playroom that the kids have outgrown, etc). He said "good idea" and I trust that he will do it.

But he already does a lot around the house/with and for the kids, he's not a leech like you read about on here.

[Anonymous]

Learn the phrases "Go ask Daddy to help you." "Daddy's not busy - go ask him."

[Anonymous]

He has a long list of things to work on -- little errands, bigger projects, and the bulk of household work. Why not -- he has time and I'm working full time still?

[Anonymous]

You need to have a division of labor that works when he's working too: don't make it just about furlough. Sit down together and divide the chores.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't even have to ask, or post here with such a timid title. The dynamic has deeper problems.

Most furloughed dads I know are taking over the daily kid logistics and doing some cooking and other house stuff.