College ds advice
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Anonymous
| Ds is a freshman and he is doing well in school, has friends, activities. But his girlfriend (since junior year, she is great so that’s not an issue) is two hours away and he visits her every other weekend. He also has spent down nearly all his savings. He has a separate card for food beyond dining hall, things he needs for school. He is frugal with that but not at all with his own account. He has a job during most of high school and was also terrible about saving but bc he worked, he replenished the account. How concerned would you be about all of this? We told him spacing out visits would be good, focusing on job search, only bc he is spending so much. I just really want him to figure out good balance and not focus just on his girlfriend and also learn to budget better but it’s not sinking in. At the same time i don’t want to create a wedge by taking the car away or hammering the point endlessly. |
Anonymous
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I'd let him figure it out. I wouldn't admonish but I also wouldn't bail him out if he overspends.
I got a set allowance from parents in college. I participated in a lot of medical trials for beer money (wouldn't recommend!) But I figured it out and am now a mostly functional adult with only minor side effects. |
Anonymous
This is a tricky one, OP. Sure, it's his money, but not really. Who is footing the bill for his schooling? My concern would be less about the money and more about going to visit the GF at another school that often. Whether he realizes it or not, it's a crutch that keeps him from fully investing in his own school and life there. But that's one of those things that parents can mention - once - but is really his decision. |
Anonymous
| OP, this is one of those things you might put on the calendar to worry about in a year from now. If you can just turn off your brain. Assuming his grades are ok. Unknown how this will play out but he's deciding what's important. And it is his life. |
Anonymous
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Who’s paying for the every other weekend trips? I wouldn’t be agreeing to pay that. You’re already quite generous giving him a car first year.
As far as the spending, he’ll figure it out once he’s out of money. |
Anonymous
His schooling is very cheap bc he got a great merit scholarship, but we do pay for a nicer dorm and general expenses. And yes, the aspect you mention is absolutely a big concern! I think from his perspective his girlfriend IS a big part of his life, he’s still doing things on campus so he sees it as no big deal but it does make a difference. We talked to him about it today and I could tell he was not happy. He was very quiet, saying he “gets it”…but I don’t think he does. He also is the one who called today to tell us he was going to see his girlfriend so not sure what he expected from me as he knows I hate that he drives so much. I’m concerned that he is not able to think clearly about work, clubs and such bc he thinks about his girlfriend first. |
Anonymous
He’s calling me about it though. Two weeks ago he called from her campus in a Sunday night saying he might drive back the next day. We said no ( he had a 9 am class!) So on some level he is asking for input, permission…something. I’d much rather not even think about all this but it seems to be a recurring issue. As for the money it really worries me that despite having worked so much and being now so broke it’s not sinking in he needs to budget better. I really hope he does figure it out. |
Anonymous
| You never know what will contribute to success. And happiness. Sometimes it IS having a girlfriend. The stability, the talk of the future, probably just realizing that he may be someone's partner/husband sometime in the future and he needs to prepare for an adult world. Academically, emotionally, maturity-wise. Don't assume being in a relationship is a bad thing. Even if, this isn't the partner he eventually marries. DD and her boyfriend each had their best Honor Roll semester when they were dating. |
Anonymous
I like the girlfriend a lot which is why we’ve been mostly fine with much they are together. But I do think he is distracted from really immersing himself in school clubs, joining activities and just really thinking more deeply and pragmatically about things like money, planning out some things required for his major…And I do think there is a lot of stress in the relationship as well from trying to see each other so much, the driving…to me if he showed some maturity about any other element like finding a job for instance I would worry less, but this feels like high school but worse. |
Anonymous
| From your description, he is almost out of money and it's still SEPTEMBER! Why does he have a car as a freshman? |
Anonymous
It’s a rural campus and bus is crappy service and 8+ hours to us (much less by car) so many bring a car if from our area. He has been spending through the summer. |
Anonymous
| How much is the girlfriend spending visiting him? Is he being used? Maybe she's not that into him anymore? |
Anonymous
About the same he is or more: she has no car so takes a bus (which is much more inconvenient than the driving tbh) and it’s not cheap. |
Anonymous
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I don't see a problem with Monday morning drives. If he gets up at 6, is on the road at 6:30, he can make a 9 am class. It's probably safer in the daytime and when he's not tired anyway.
You have to let him hit bottom financially, get some overdraft fees, and generally learn his lessons. It's not that big a deal, OP! Give him the gift of learning these things now while the stakes are low. |
Anonymous
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OP as much as it may pain you, you need to pretend it’s 1994 and remain less engaged. Be crystal clear about what expectations you have - min 3.0 GPA and telling you when he’s going to be off campus for an extended period of time - and that.is.it.
When he asks for your advice/permission, 100% of the time your response should be “what do you think?” |