Is there a "good way" to be a vessel for your family members' anxieties?

[Anonymous]

I refuse to feed into my mom's delusions. That's my boundary. It helps no one to encourage it. Sometimes it does get her to realize she's reading too much into something or overreacting. Sometimes it makes her angry at me and I have to put up a different boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

I have a mom who is similar. This is a manipulation tactic. Which I know sounds mean to say, but it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

I have a mom who is similar. This is a manipulation tactic. Which I know sounds mean to say, but it is.

I know it is. She is emotionally stunted. She really cannot help it and it is too late to change her. She's 80. At the end of the day, she's doing her best. She's survived a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

I have a mom who is similar. This is a manipulation tactic. Which I know sounds mean to say, but it is.

I know it is. She is emotionally stunted. She really cannot help it and it is too late to change her. She's 80. At the end of the day, she's doing her best. She's survived a lot.

My mom is the same, though a bit younger. I had to change myself. It wasn't worth my mental health to deal with her mental health the way I was. I have boundaries. I don't feed into her anxiety and delusions anymore. I don't let the manipulation tactics get to me. And as a result, when I see her name pop up on my phone, I don't have that dread and anxiety I used to have. Or that feeling of doom when I would call to check on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

I have a mom who is similar. This is a manipulation tactic. Which I know sounds mean to say, but it is.

I know it is. She is emotionally stunted. She really cannot help it and it is too late to change her. She's 80. At the end of the day, she's doing her best. She's survived a lot.

I think she feels alone because she is dishonest with most people in her life. She lies to her friends and family about how great of a daughter and and son my brother and I are, but she's also deeply disappointed in us and often feels abandoned by us. She paints a picture to them about how doting we are to her, how generous, and how thoughtful, and she delights when her friends and family expresses jealousy that she has raised such good children.

She wants me to buy a nice large house in her neighborhood, where she can have her own space in the house, and she can still be close to all her friends and family, and not have to move out of the area. But I refuse to uproot my family to do it. She wants my brother to call and visit more often since he lives closer, but he has his own family, work, and a busy life, so she's always complaining to me how he never returns her calls. Even though he sees her at least once a week. We bought her a new car, but she says how her friend's daughter bought her friend a mercedes. So she always feels lesser than.

At the same time, she martyrs herself. If we visit, she will stay up all night cooking and slave away in the kitchen. Years ago, when I first had a baby, she stayed at our house and she literally was on her hands and knees scrubbing our floors and baseboards, until she made herself sick, and we had to drive her back home.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are setting a bad example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

Also I don't think I've been changing the storyline. They both get angry and have the desire for control. It's related. I'm trying to make more conscious decisions about what I can and can't do for my family members, while also being realistic about my capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one with major anxiety issues in my family. I have GAD and panic disorder. I don't dump on anyone because I bottle it all up and it comes out in middle of the night panic attacks that look like heart attacks, and I have spikes of very high blood pressure. I'm literally killing myself slowly.

Excuse me, OP, but I don't blame anyone for this, nor am I angry. Please get rid of these prejudices, thank you.

If someone dumps on you, of course you need boundaries.

It's ok to be angry. It doesn't make you a bad person. And although you may not blame anyone, my mom actually does. She does her share of blaming herself. But she's often angry at her sisters, at my brother, and her friends. Because either they are not there for her, or "selfish", or "make her feel like her insides are rotting out", often with just comments thrown about carelessly, that she takes to heart and will replay in her mind for decades.

PP you replied to. I don't have anything to be angry about This is not an emotion I am capable of feeling regarding my anxiety. You really need to understand that anxious people are not necessarily angry people, and vice-versa. If someone exhibits resentment and impulsively criticizes others, that's not OK and you don't need to tolerate that just because they have a diagnosis.

I appreciate that insight. I only know what I know, from my mom, my two kids, my one friend, and my MIL.

Maybe what they have is more than anxiety. It's their desire for control - over people's perception of them, over the world around them, and frustration about being misunderstood or unseen or feeling less than. They all express it slightly differently. My son will scream. My daughter will sulk and mutter how she wishes someone (sometimes me) ghastly suffering. My mom might cry, and go on a 1 hour complaint tirade about all of the ways her sister wronged or misjudged her over the course of her lifetime. My friend will do a similar 1 hour complaint tirade about how her family member is evil. My MIL might corner me at a family event and cry and tell me all the problems she had with her daughter, things she's never shared with my DH.

So I'm not sure if I should let them go on then.... blaming others. Not really sure how I should handle that part.

Children are moldable. You need to act like the parent and discipline them for screaming or muttering imprecations. I do not tolerate that from my teens. You really need to get those things under control, OP, otherwise they will become obnoxious adults.

Your mother won't change, she's too old. You need to distance yourself and tell her why - that her drama and emotions are way too over the top and she needs to see a therapist. You are not her therapist.

Mostly, it's obvious that people perceive you as the worse doormat in the world. You need to walk away politely after 5 minutes when someone corners you and cries. You need to cut the meeting short with your friend when she starts, or interrupt her gently, after a while, to share some of your news.

But that's your choice, OP. You can't complain about these things and then choose to do nothing about them.

I do hold a line with my kids. With some flexibility. They are still learning. They know when they cross a line. They have gotten to the point when they apologize when they know they cross the line.

Drawing a line with my mom is much harder. She sinks into a deep hole of depression and anxiety, and is constantly saying it would be better for everyone if she just died, and that is much harder for me than the alternative.

And I said, I drew pretty firm boundaries with both my MIL and my friend, and we've both benefitted on both sides from that. Even though the short term consequences were very uncomfortable, over the long run, it was better.

Why? She's lived this long and hasn't died. Don't fall for it. And if she does attempt... it won't be because you called her out for dumping on you!

Separately, there's a problem with your posts. You keep changing the storyline here. First you think anxiety makes people angry. Then you think they all have a desire for control. Then you can't bear to tell your mother what's what in case she dies.

You really want to live your life like this, OP, all muddled up in your head and unable make clear decisions and execute them?

Parent your kids. Draw boundaries with MIL and friend. You say you're moving in that direction, so why is this still a problem? Now you need to be clear with your mother. What else are you going to complain about now, hmm?

It's not a problem, at least not yet. But also this is relatively new for me, this territory where I can sort of distance myself from her anxiety, and still be there for her in the way she needs.

And also, it took me a really really long time, but I've also finally forgiven her. I like the place I'm at. I WANT to do this for her. I no longer feel burdened.

But as this is new territory for me, I also want to be careful that I don't want to burn myself out. In many ways she is much harder to deal with than my kids ever were. They are teachable. She is not.

You're still thinking about this in terms of other people. You need to do what's right for you. Forgiveness might or might not be important... for YOU. Ignoring her as much as you possible would definitely be right for YOU. Be more selfish.

But I love her. And I believe she loves me the only way she knows how. Which for a long time, wounded me, but I've healed.

Also, I firmly believe if I were to just ignore her, it would pretty much kind of kill my soul.

[Anonymous]

She should get a seashell and talk to it and let it hold her negativity. Or a paper bag, then pop it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a therapist yourself? I think it would be helpful. You sound too enmeshed with your mom and perhaps with your kids as well. It is important to set appropriate boundaries with people even your own family. It is healthier for all of you. Teach your kids coping skills and that the world doesn’t revolve around them