Constant influx of friends?

[Anonymous]

I know, I know, I should be happy we are the “hangout house”, and I am, but it’s also very overstimulating at the end of the work day.

We live within walking distance of the high school, and I’d say 2-3 days a week, DD comes home with 1-3 friends. They don’t require much of me, often take off to go find food or Starbucks, or to wander around on foot. But usually they still storm the house for drinks and a snack, are boisterous, and I feel like I need to be “on” or at least aware of what they’re up to since I am the last adult to see them. Often they need/want rides home. It’s just chaotic. I WFH and get off just before DD gets home, and something about this intrusion feels disruptive.

I know she needs to socialize, I am happy her friends are comfortable here, but it’s too much. I’m crowdsourcing. What would you allow? Or, what parameters would you put up?

[Anonymous]

Just say Fridays only.

[Anonymous]

How old? To me it sounds like the problem is you needing to feel like you are on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? To me it sounds like the problem is you needing to feel like you are on.

15. I do feel like I need to keep tabs, especially when they wander off to find food. I realize they are 15, but this is where the parents will go to find them/pick them up, or at least where they understand they are located.

I also feel like I constantly have to have food and drinks. The other week things were hectic and I had nothing to offer, and I felt terrible, like a poor host. I do realize it’s a “me” issue.

[Anonymous]

You definitely don't need to feel obligated to do anything for them. If they need rides, they should (should have) arranged for their rides ahead of time. Have something in the freezer so they can pull it out, or have ramen/mac and cheese, bread/cheese etc. on hand if they feel like making something to eat. If you have nothing, say 'Haven't had time to go shopping, go find something to eat'.

Same aged shows up with random friends as well, and I talk to them if I feel like it, I make them food if I feel like it, but mostly, they're allowed to fend for themselves, and they do enjoy doing that.

[Anonymous]

Same age and I also can find it over stimulating to have kids in the house. But I try to send them off as necessary or put an end time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? To me it sounds like the problem is you needing to feel like you are on.

15. I do feel like I need to keep tabs, especially when they wander off to find food. I realize they are 15, but this is where the parents will go to find them/pick them up, or at least where they understand they are located.

Three suggestions:
1. Let go of the feeling quoted above. You aren't actually the adult in charge of these kids during the afterschool window. All these kids have phones and their parents should be able to reach/track them without expecting anything of you.
2. Set strong boundaries around offering rides home. That is probably the thing that is most disruptive/unexpected in your evening. You don't need to offer them (you are already hosting the kids!), just make it a rule that you can't do it on a regular basis.
3. Figure out what you are comfortable with food-wise (this is a good place to enlist your kid to make a weekly list and take some ownership of food in the house) and when it's gone, it's gone.

[Anonymous]

Brainstorm it with your DD. Explain the issues and have her help you come up with solutions that work for everyone.

Can she help you make the weekly grocery list, to ensure there are preferred snacks on hand that will be hands-off, with minimal fuss to prepare? Is there somewhere in the house you'd prefer they hang out until you've had a chance to decompress?

Can you agree on a spot where she will always leave a note if they're leaving the house, to say who she's with and where they're going? That way, if a parent calls looking for their kid, you have the same info you'd have if you asked the kids in person.

And I'd just be clear about the rides situation. You're happy to host, but the kids (and parents) need to know you're not available to chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? To me it sounds like the problem is you needing to feel like you are on.

DP - I agree with this take. It sounds like you are trying to do this, but I think reframing is important. You don't need to be "on" or really do much monitoring. If they go somewhere else, it's their responsibility to tell their parents, not yours. Most parents have some sort of location tracker these days and can easily figure out where their kid is. You don't need to make sure they are all happy, and if you don't have snacks, so be it. They can walk to 7-11 or whatever and get some.

I know it can be a pain -- my DH feels similarly to you -- but being the hangout house can be a good thing. It helps you get to know your kid's friends and kind of keep better tabs on what your kid is up to.

[Anonymous]

I would say "no more than three times a week." And I would suck it up, to be honest.

If they're at your house, I'd just pop my head in the room they're hanging in and say "Does everyone's parents know they're here? Great, good to see you all." And when they're leaving "Bye guys, text your parents where you're going!"

[Anonymous]

I really would love to be the hangout house so I’m jealous, but who knows—I might feel the same if it actually happened!

I would shop with your dd and make a basket of friend foods—microwave popcorn is cheap and filling. Ramen cups, microwave Mac and cheese, that sort of thing. When it’s low, it’s up to dd to refill.

And maybe a time limit for rides home. Like “after 5 I’m cooking dinner so any ride has to have me home by 5”

Also—in year or two they will get licenses and this won’t be a forever problem. I hardly see my HS senior these days!

[Anonymous]

On the rides home, just make it a hard NO, and let your DD and all her friends know that they can only hang out at your house IF they are fine getting home on their own. Also maybe ask all her friends for their parents' cell #s and let the parents know you're fine (if you still are) with kids coming over but they have to be able to get home on their own.

And you don't owe anyone an explanation of that policy, but if they ask and you want to give one just say you welcome the kids and they're great kids but they come over often and you are overwhelmed with work and other responsibilities so you can no longer drive people home. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? To me it sounds like the problem is you needing to feel like you are on.

15. I do feel like I need to keep tabs, especially when they wander off to find food. I realize they are 15, but this is where the parents will go to find them/pick them up, or at least where they understand they are located.

I also feel like I constantly have to have food and drinks. The other week things were hectic and I had nothing to offer, and I felt terrible, like a poor host. I do realize it’s a “me” issue.

Yeah the part about you having to feed everyone and always have snacks and drinks on hand IS a "you issue". How much have you talked to your DD about this? It sounds like you also may have issues just laying out with your own kid(s) when something that started off as nice, well maybe it's still nice in some ways but it's grown too big and too often and too wearing on you so new parameters have to be set. BYO snacks, maybe you provide drinks but not snacks or just make it BYO everything. And everyone has to be able to get home on their own, no more rides.

You need to model for your kids what it looks like to be accommodating and welcoming while absolutely keeping boundaries that continue to make it manageable. You suffering in silence or wearing yourself down about it doesn't serve anyone's best interests.

[Anonymous]

My DS would like us to be the hangout house but he has a busy schedule so they can only come certain days of the week and no other family will host. When the kids are here, I give a end time (5 with goal of 515) and they figure out how to get home. The library is walking distance and they can wait there for pickup.

Foodwise, we have some basics but once it's gone, it's gone. I don't stress over it any more because all the kids have different food preferences and trying to cater to them gets very expensive. I like the suggestion of just having popcorn or ramen.

I have learned his friends' parents do not seem to worry much about where their kids are, probably because they all have phones or tracking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say "no more than three times a week." And I would suck it up, to be honest.

If they're at your house, I'd just pop my head in the room they're hanging in and say "Does everyone's parents know they're here? Great, good to see you all." And when they're leaving "Bye guys, text your parents where you're going!"

DP: I don't believe in sucking it up AT ALL. This is your home, you've been welcoming, but now it's become too many assumptions and you need to be an adult and talk to your DD about how great it is that your friends like your home and trust it, and enjoy it, AND it's become too many and too often so some parameters have to be put in place. Sure, PP above's suggestions to just pop your head in and make sure parents know where they are makes sense, but that doesn't at all solve your "everyone assumes endless food and drinks" problem nor does it address you giving so many rides home.

Tell your DD to keep it down to 2 weekdays a week (basically Mon - Thurs, 2 days in there) and if you're cool with it going on more or later Friday, Friday can be a special day but still everyone is on their own for food and drinks. Maybe have basics on the snacks (if you've got lots of pantry space load up on some stuff at Costco) but don't have it all be open access. Have a certain amount each week available and after that the kids are on their own. And stand by it - if they beg or complain and you give more, you've messed up the boundaries that yo u were right to set.

"Sucking up" to teenagers is a fatal strategy. They don't learn to be more thoughtful or responsible and they definitely don't learn how to set boundaries so good things can stay good, instead of getting unmanageable or being taken advantage of. And OP if you have trouble having direct, warm but firm convos with your teens... that is something you may want to get some help on. Because it's a vital skill.