The good friend who cannot keep a secret

[Anonymous]

Anyone have a friend who seems to be genuinely a kindhearted person and yet she has poor boundaries about sharing private info even after you make it clear it is private? I didn't share much with her until we had been friends for several years. She shares plenty of private potentially embarrassing information with me that I would not think to share because I don't want to hurt her or violate the privacy of her family. I figured maybe I need to spell it out and differentiate what is private, but even that wasn't enough. I even gently told her about instances things came back to me that I only shared with her. She said something like "I don't know why I shared that." So, I finally learned that the boundaries aren't there, so I censor myself and try to stick to nonprivate topics which can be exhausting when you are asked a question and have to revise your answer before speaking.

This is someone I have never gossiped with or tried to get private info about someone else from and most of the people I have known in the past who spread private information are people with a schadenfreude addiction. Have you ever met a good person who just has loose lips? Were you surprised because it seemed so out of character?

[Anonymous]

Do not share. This is not a trusted friend. Save yourself emotional pain by not sharing or defriend from this person.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this and ultimately the friendship ended because of this.

Once I got out of the friendship I realized that she actually engaged in a LOT of gossipy, "mean girl" type behaviors, but she did it in a way where it just never read that way when you were with her. People confided in her a lot because she seemed accepting and non-judgmental, and trustworthy. She just gave off that vibe. But she wasn't -- she was constantly talking about other people, even making fun of them and judging them, but in this way that came off like she wasn't being judgmental? I don't know how to describe it. It took me several years to realize that none of these incidents were one offs or accidents, it's just who she is and she was never going to stop.

That friendship really changed how I evaluate people for close friendship because I just felt like I was willfully blind to her poor behavior for several years and in retrospect, she was gossipy and mean pretty much the entire time I knew her. I just could not see it. So strange.

[Anonymous]

I have an otherwise lovely and kind friend who has shared private info but I think in a very clueless way. Like she's such an open person that she didn't fully get that I might not want our other neighbors to know xyz.

Fwiw I think her being so open and willing to be vulnerable with her own issues helps many people feel close to her. I'm more reserved and don't make friends as easily. She's helped me open up a little more than my natural inclinations and it has led to me getting support in a hard time I was holding more privately.

So we're still friends because I think her intentions are good. I just don't share the very secret things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Anyone have a friend who seems to be genuinely a kindhearted person and yet she has poor boundaries about sharing private info even after you make it clear it is private? I didn't share much with her until we had been friends for several years. She shares plenty of private potentially embarrassing information with me that I would not think to share because I don't want to hurt her or violate the privacy of her family. I figured maybe I need to spell it out and differentiate what is private, but even that wasn't enough. I even gently told her about instances things came back to me that I only shared with her. She said something like "I don't know why I shared that." So, I finally learned that the boundaries aren't there, so I censor myself and try to stick to nonprivate topics which can be exhausting when you are asked a question and have to revise your answer before speaking.

This is someone I have never gossiped with or tried to get private info about someone else from and most of the people I have known in the past who spread private information are people with a schadenfreude addiction. Have you ever met a good person who just has loose lips? Were you surprised because it seemed so out of character?

I have dropped "friends" when I realized they were like this. She is not your friend. A friend would feel the betrayal and stop herself.

On the other hand I have one friend that I've maintained a friendship with for almost 20 years, who gossiped about me. I know because she repeated in conversation something another mom had said about me and I recognized it. It took me YEARS to move on. I'm not sure why I remained friends with her but we were not as close for a long time after that. Now I feel close to her again. Weird.

[Anonymous]

My read on people like this is that they use information as currency but are totally un-self-aware about it. It's pretty much the exact same impulse as someone who dishes dirt to get people to like them or to elevate themselves above the person they are gossiping about, but it's done with a level of obliviousness that makes it seem like it's innocent.

Your friend saying "I don't know why I did that" is really telling to me, because it means she's not thinking about it at all, including not thinking about how her sharing could impact the person she's talking about, or whether that person would be comfortable with her sharing their private info. When you think about it, this is a very narcissistic impulse, because rather than exercising a bit of empathy or consideration for this friend she theoretically cares for, she is only thinking in the moment that it would be satisfying in some way to share that information.

But then when you call her on it, she can protect herself by saying it was an accident, she didn't mean anything by it, etc. But the core problem is lack of consideration and refusing to think about how her actions impact other people. Even in situations where the person has specifically told her "this is private, please don't tell anyone"! It's a very self-centered, inconsiderate way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

I don’t tell my secrets to anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is all very helpful. Thanks. One thing I realize is that while she is well liked and I do think has a good heart, she has not really every had close female friends in life. She was part of friend groups and had friends, but not deep loyal bonds that lasted years. I am the opposite.I have close friends since childhood I am still in touch with and while I have been part of friend groups, I valued most close connection.

So I do still value the friendship, but need to stop describing it as close. It isn't because there is not that level of trust. I value it and will continue because I enjoy talking about light things too, but I need to be realistic and protect myself and my family. Light friendships have a purpose and that is what this shall be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My read on people like this is that they use information as currency but are totally un-self-aware about it. It's pretty much the exact same impulse as someone who dishes dirt to get people to like them or to elevate themselves above the person they are gossiping about, but it's done with a level of obliviousness that makes it seem like it's innocent.

Your friend saying "I don't know why I did that" is really telling to me, because it means she's not thinking about it at all, including not thinking about how her sharing could impact the person she's talking about, or whether that person would be comfortable with her sharing their private info. When you think about it, this is a very narcissistic impulse, because rather than exercising a bit of empathy or consideration for this friend she theoretically cares for, she is only thinking in the moment that it would be satisfying in some way to share that information.

But then when you call her on it, she can protect herself by saying it was an accident, she didn't mean anything by it, etc. But the core problem is lack of consideration and refusing to think about how her actions impact other people. Even in situations where the person has specifically told her "this is private, please don't tell anyone"! It's a very self-centered, inconsiderate way to go through life.

OP here. I think this makes sense. She did mention once before she had kids she was judgmental of other people's parenting and once she saw how challenging it was first hand she felt bad about that. Thinking about our conversations it does seem that with a lot of life things she developed empathy once she experienced them first hand and she can't believe how judgmental she was before. So I do think it's an impulse and the empathy just isn't there because perhaps a betrayal has never gotten back to her. It is inconsiderate and it's a shame and I don't think she has the self-awareness right now, but she is a decent enough person that when it does happen to her I think she will reflect on her own behavior. Meanwhile I will keep this friendship-light and I know to adjust my expectations. I still will protect the private things she shares with me because I would feel sick if I didn't.

[Anonymous]

One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

[Anonymous]

^ None of it is mean-spirited in any way, of course. Otherwise that would be a completely different kettle of fish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

OP here. That sounds like a good mindset. The thing is we talk about our kids too and I have to protect their confidentiality. I definitely will be selective and ask myself if I mind anyone else knowing the info and I will stick to myself and protect my kids and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t tell my secrets to anyone.

+1. This is why they are “secrets”.

[Anonymous]

I learned in my 20s that there are only a few people who will keep my secrets safe and not throw me under the bus at a later opportunity. I am still close friends with those people decades later. The rest I don't share secrets with and they are just acquaintances or nonclose family members in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

Some of my closest friends are like this. They have good insights because they share with others, are curious about other people's lives and experiences, and they can find commonalities. It is honest feedback and they are happy when something good happens to you. They are not competitive at all.

The thing is that you also have to be like Brene Brown and discard the notion of shame and feeling that other people are talking about you or will judge you. Everything in your life cannot be a secret. You are just unable to be vulnerable.

Her gossip is never in a way that is harmful or malicious. My secrets will always remain hidden within me. But facts about my life - my medical history, my stupid financial mistakes, my problematic coworkers...these get shared.