The good friend who cannot keep a secret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

Some of my closest friends are like this. They have good insights because they share with others, are curious about other people's lives and experiences, and they can find commonalities. It is honest feedback and they are happy when something good happens to you. They are not competitive at all.

The thing is that you also have to be like Brene Brown and discard the notion of shame and feeling that other people are talking about you or will judge you. Everything in your life cannot be a secret. You are just unable to be vulnerable.

Her gossip is never in a way that is harmful or malicious. My secrets will always remain hidden within me. But facts about my life - my medical history, my stupid financial mistakes, my problematic coworkers...these get shared.

I do think there is something to this. The person I know who has the most close female friendships is a major over sharer. So people feel more comfortable confiding in her so things can get deeper than when you're guarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

Some of my closest friends are like this. They have good insights because they share with others, are curious about other people's lives and experiences, and they can find commonalities. It is honest feedback and they are happy when something good happens to you. They are not competitive at all.

The thing is that you also have to be like Brene Brown and discard the notion of shame and feeling that other people are talking about you or will judge you. Everything in your life cannot be a secret. You are just unable to be vulnerable.

Her gossip is never in a way that is harmful or malicious. My secrets will always remain hidden within me. But facts about my life - my medical history, my stupid financial mistakes, my problematic coworkers...these get shared.

I do think there is something to this. The person I know who has the most close female friendships is a major over sharer. So people feel more comfortable confiding in her so things can get deeper than when you're guarded.

+1
Also understand that when you overshare, your choice of words may come out a bit wonky. Feelings can get hurt, you may feel judged, you may feel that people are enjoying your misfortune etc. But, if you are able to discount the awkward slip of tongue in yourself or others and ascribe only positive and loving motivation to others - then you are more easily able to find solutions to your problems.

Happiness shared becomes doubled,
Worries shared becomes halved.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell her. Your mistake if you do Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of two best friends is like this. She's very generous and warm-hearted. She can't stop herself from sharing her stuff, and other people's stuff. Her husband knows this and since he has a job requiring a lot of confidentiality, he doesn't share any of it with her

It's fine. I tell her my problems and I really don't care if she shares them with other people. I am not ashamed of my problems. She always has good insights. I value her as a friend more than I am disturbed about her gossip.

Some of my closest friends are like this. They have good insights because they share with others, are curious about other people's lives and experiences, and they can find commonalities. It is honest feedback and they are happy when something good happens to you. They are not competitive at all.

The thing is that you also have to be like Brene Brown and discard the notion of shame and feeling that other people are talking about you or will judge you. Everything in your life cannot be a secret. You are just unable to be vulnerable.

Her gossip is never in a way that is harmful or malicious. My secrets will always remain hidden within me. But facts about my life - my medical history, my stupid financial mistakes, my problematic coworkers...these get shared.

This only works if you are in a community with people who mostly have the same feelings and reward vulnerability.

I am, by nature, an open book. I don't have a problem sharing my foibles and regrets in life, for instance, and can be pretty brutally honest about myself. But I have learned that in certain settings, this is dangerous because there are people who seek out vulnerability in other people and seek to exploit it.

I had a very gossipy friend once while working in a place with a lot of dysfunction (specifically including a couple managers who had no boundaries with the staff and could just be very petty and cliquey). I learned the hard way what happens when people who are very judgmental and unkind find out about the your vulnerabilities. When I discovered my friend had disclosed some very personal things about my family to people at work, and not only that but they'd been discussing/gossiping about it extensively at work behind my back, AND that some people at work had formed negative opinions about me on the basis of this gossip, I didn't feel vulnerable. I felt exposed and rejected, for something I have no control over (two family members with serious addiction issues), as well as betrayed.

Since that experience, I've learned to be less open and to wait and see if people are trustworthy. I truly believe in vulnerability and think it's the key to connection. But only if the person you're sharing with wants to connect, rather than to judge or compare or exclude. That doesn't make me closed off. It makes me wiser than my younger self.

[Anonymous]

I’m a chatty friend. I can’t hold water - it’s been this way since I was a kid.

If you say, “please keep this between us,” I’m a vault but otherwise it might slip. Not gossip, not mean girl, just chatty.

[Anonymous]

My sister is like this- very literal/high functioning autism so it's not meanspirited/gossipy (she actually hates behaviour like that). Its just that she 'tells the truth' and doesn't have that awareness that just because you a) know something and b) it is true, that you should not c) state it to other people so that they have all information.

She knows when to stop talking if she starts to say something she shouldn't, but she can't lie (acts weird if she needs to) and literally will get a sentence almost all the way out before she stops herself eg "Larla probably won't come because she-" (hates that person) or "No, we can't come by- (because I'm not supposed to know that we are having a surprise party). And she is so honest that this is when people will go in for the kill to drag info out of her.

I've told her to stop getting herself trapped and to only offer info/respond to questions about HER, not others. Over her lifetime she has gotten better about 'how conversations work' but Lord, elementary/high school and university were exhausting in trying to teach her the complexities.

[Anonymous]

You only keep a secret when you don't tell it. Basic rule 101

[Anonymous]

No I have not.

If I did run into someone who was like this - - I would have to say that it would be very difficult to sustain a friendship w/this person since I would have to be concentrating so hard on not telling them certain things.

I imagine it would be very tiring to do so.
All the time. 🙁