s/o Managing a teenager and grandparents, on top of everything else?

[Anonymous]

The other thread about the teenager and telling grandma to “knock it off” prompted this. It’s been on my mind lately, so maybe you can help.

I also have a high schooler who has a lot on her plate and also likes her own downtime. I similarly have a mother who can’t come to terms with the fact that her grandchild is closer to being an independent adult (the goal!) than a young child, and on top of that, has a hard time accepting that we (DD and myself) have never had the closest relationship with her to begin with.

DD has her own little life:

Weekdays are spent at school.

One weeknight and one weekend morning a week are spent at a very part-time job.

2-3 nights a week are spent at extracurriculars.

In between that comes friends and nuclear family. I hate to say it, but last comes extended family, and there are two sides (ILs) to divide a small amount of time with, and only seven days a week.

My mom is upset she doesn’t get one-on-one time with DD much anymore. We DO invite her to weekday dinners, etc, but for whatever reason, this doesn’t count to her. She wants more. She wants it to be sweet and cute and plentiful (and on her terms) like it was when DD was little. It sounds selfish, but if DD has a free evening, she’s likely spending it with us (her nuclear family) and not her grandma. I don’t blame her for this!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m asking, maybe just how do you manage a grandparent like this? In a year and a half she will be 18 and I can’t/won’t control her time at all.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you can convince someone like this that this is normal, and expected. You just gave to keep explaining it to them like they are a toddler and ignore any tantrum.

[Anonymous]

These threads seem very "us" against "her."

I have boys, so I don't know if this is common, but I would tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads seem very "us" against "her."

I have boys, so I don't know if this is common, but I would tread carefully.

? I don’t know what your son’s or my daughter’s gender has to do with anything. And maybe these interactions will inform the type of parent/grandparent you/we become ourselves?

[Anonymous]

Don't forget -- you're only a few years away for your daughter to be too busy for any one on one time for YOU, too. Are you going to change your tune then?

DCUM is such a sad place.

[Anonymous]

We are an international family with parents who live abroad, and most of our friends have similarly long-distance parents.

That much grandparent-grandchild togetherness is so alien to me. Growing up, my grandparents lived far away too - I lived the life my kids are living now, with just the nuclear family.

I also have a teen who is focused on school and needs downtime. There is absolutely no way I would ever force my kid to spend more time with her grandparents if she doesn't want to. My primary duty is to her. High school is stressful, college admissions are stressful. I protect her time and sanity.

You can be a good daughter and look after your parents' health and finances, while still preserving your children's well-being. The grandparents are not owed that much time with their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget -- you're only a few years away for your daughter to be too busy for any one on one time for YOU, too. Are you going to change your tune then?

DCUM is such a sad place.

No? I mean, I’ve already begun that grieving process. I’m sure the empty nest syndrome will hit, but I don’t intend to make it her issue and hope I’ll provide the type of relationship with her that she will seek out like she does now, when she has time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads seem very "us" against "her."

I have boys, so I don't know if this is common, but I would tread carefully.

? I don’t know what your son’s or my daughter’s gender has to do with anything. And maybe these interactions will inform the type of parent/grandparent you/we become ourselves?

I wondered if some moms are more likely to use daughters as weapons, rather than have adult conversations, or let their DDs be adults themselves and manage their own relationships.

And, I agree that our children watch our interactions with our own parents, gender aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are an international family with parents who live abroad, and most of our friends have similarly long-distance parents.

That much grandparent-grandchild togetherness is so alien to me. Growing up, my grandparents lived far away too - I lived the life my kids are living now, with just the nuclear family.

I also have a teen who is focused on school and needs downtime. There is absolutely no way I would ever force my kid to spend more time with her grandparents if she doesn't want to. My primary duty is to her. High school is stressful, college admissions are stressful. I protect her time and sanity.

You can be a good daughter and look after your parents' health and finances, while still preserving your children's well-being. The grandparents are not owed that much time with their grandkids.

Me again. I watched my parents take care of their parents. My father sent money to his home country to pay for a nursing home for his mother. He visited when he could. My mother contributed to the costs of her mother's little studio and daily helper, and visited her in the hospital. My daughter sees me managing my father's hospital paperwork and she greets him when I Facetime him every day. My young adult son is studying abroad in my parents' country and visited him in the hospital, and helped out with groceries, suitcases and such.

This is what real caring looks like, and this is how you model caregiving behavior for your children. But impinging on a busy teen's time because Grandma needs attention, is a frivolous ask and not be to be encouraged.

[Anonymous]

We are an international family with our parents living abroad. Parents have visited us on and off for longer periods (several months at a time) and have bonded with the grandkids right from when the kids were younger.

Our own kids have married and had their own family locally. We are very much part and parcel of their daily childcare need provider. Plus, we have been very engaged with the lives of our children helping them whenever they need.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is that you and your siblings don't have enough kids, so the few you have bear the brunt. Humans are evolved to have large families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an international family with parents who live abroad, and most of our friends have similarly long-distance parents.

That much grandparent-grandchild togetherness is so alien to me. Growing up, my grandparents lived far away too - I lived the life my kids are living now, with just the nuclear family.

I also have a teen who is focused on school and needs downtime. There is absolutely no way I would ever force my kid to spend more time with her grandparents if she doesn't want to. My primary duty is to her. High school is stressful, college admissions are stressful. I protect her time and sanity.

You can be a good daughter and look after your parents' health and finances, while still preserving your children's well-being. The grandparents are not owed that much time with their grandkids.

Me again. I watched my parents take care of their parents. My father sent money to his home country to pay for a nursing home for his mother. He visited when he could. My mother contributed to the costs of her mother's little studio and daily helper, and visited her in the hospital. My daughter sees me managing my father's hospital paperwork and she greets him when I Facetime him every day. My young adult son is studying abroad in my parents' country and visited him in the hospital, and helped out with groceries, suitcases and such.

This is what real caring looks like, and this is how you model caregiving behavior for your children. But impinging on a busy teen's time because Grandma needs attention, is a frivolous ask and not be to be encouraged.

To take care of elderly is the responsibility primarily of the next generation - ie the offsprings. At least in my culture.

However, the people posting here are the product of this culture. The parents are getting the same care that they gave to their children.

[Anonymous]

Get a text chain going between kid and grandma so she gets frequent connection. Tell your kid to copy and paste bits of whatever from school and activities .

[Anonymous]

I feel similarly but also terribly guilty that I can't seem to get them to spend more time with my mom. One kid doesn't get home each day until 6-ish, and the other one gets home at 7:30 so during the week is impossible. When I grew up, life was just slower, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem here is that you and your siblings don't have enough kids, so the few you have bear the brunt. Humans are evolved to have large families.

No, no. If you are well educated and financially capable, you can hire out a whole bunch of care. You still have to fulfill the emotional and social needs of the family members.

Humans are evolved to be caring parents who priortize the wellbeing of their children first. If that does not happen you have a society of mass murderers and elder abusers.