Reply to Family Addiction Dynamics: Abandonment, Enabling, Harm

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m navigating a painful reality and wonder if others here have been through something similar. My kids’ dad is in active addiction. He has essentially abandoned them — no visits, no support — and his parents continue to enable him. They bankroll his lifestyle, deny the severity of his illness, and stay silent in the face of the harm to the kids.

This creates a double loss: my children not only lose their dad, but also grandparents who choose his comfort over facing the hard truth. That feels cruel and unnecessary, but it’s also not safe for kids to spend time with relatives who minimize or excuse his behavior.

For context:
	•	I have sole custody.
	•	Their dad is dependent on alcohol, under a protective order, and unsafe for any unsupervised parenting time.
	•	He’s been fired, drives drunk daily with an open container, says unhinged things, and shows cognitive distortions and delusions. There’s been extreme post-separation abuse, and he’s fixated on me as the root of all problems. He once broke into the house while wasted and terrified the kids. I am not convinced he isn’t fantasizing about killing me.
	•	Despite court orders, he provides nothing — no child support, no health insurance, no mortgage help, no visits, no calls.
	•	Meanwhile, he plays the role of a “wealthy bachelor” with the backing of his parents, traveling, shopping, and dropping $300 on meals with his girlfriend. His family seems more concerned with avoiding conflict, keeping him comfortable, and protecting his image than with the well-being of his children.
	•	My kids and I are in therapy, and I attend Al-Anon. Both have been lifelines, but I still wrestle with how to handle the family dynamics. The kids ask about these grandparents constantly. They have now gone a complete year without seeing them…

I’d love to hear from others who’ve lived through something like this:
	•	How did you cope with enabling grandparents/relatives who know the truth but look the other way?
	•	What did the short-term fallout look like for your kids?
	•	In the long run, did family relationships heal, or did you cut ties?
	•	What helped you build stability and resilience for your children when relatives wouldn’t step up?[/quote]

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