How to inform family that their dear departed relative disinherited you?

[Anonymous]

Would you tell the friends and family of the deceased that they gave their entire estate to only one of their two children and completely cut off the other child? This news would be a shock to the extended family as the disinherited child was always attentive and loving with their parents.

If so, how would you do it?

[Anonymous]

No. I might tell someone if I needed emotional support but I wouldn't try to broadcast it

[Anonymous]

I would not share that news. I would also encourage the inheriting child to consider sharing some of the funds.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would, in a very calm way. I feel this information needs to be shared, regardless of whether I'm the one who received the inheritance or the one who did not, or someone close to either. It says something about the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

What reaction are you hoping for in telling?

How likely is it that you would get that reaction from those particular people?

What has been the reaction of the inheriting sibling?

[Anonymous]

Only if someone asked.

[Anonymous]

My mom disinherited my brother of all but a small portion. I chose to split everything 50/50 and the probate court had no objection at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would, in a very calm way. I feel this information needs to be shared, regardless of whether I'm the one who received the inheritance or the one who did not, or someone close to either. It says something about the family dynamic.

In my experience they will feel uncomfortable and that may lead them to distance from or avoid OP. Narcs often continue to exert power on dynamics from the beyond.

I’d see a therapist to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom disinherited my brother of all but a small portion. I chose to split everything 50/50 and the probate court had no objection at all.

That speaks a lot to your character. OP has not mentioned sib so they may not have acted similarly.

[Anonymous]

What is it you hope to gain by choosing that action? Do you want them to press your sib to share?

[Anonymous]

It's complicated. I think if someone kept trying to comfort me, we were close and it just made me feel worse I might say, "Thank you. I prefer not to talk about mom. I was surprised after being so loving toward her that she decided to disinherit me and I am processing it all.

So I guess I would not announce it, but i would need to tell anyone who thinks I am grieving one thing, that what is actually going on is a whole different type of grief. While my love isn't about money, I can't help but wonder why I was disinherited and my siblings got everything and I am trying to figure out if mom was punishing me or secretly hated me or why this happened without communication. I prefer not discuss her, but I know you meant well and I value our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Without anybody else being aware of the inequity, the person sitting on the big inheritance doesn't have to endure any shame or disapproval for being greedy and not sharing.

My father inherited everything from his brother/my uncle who was divorced and had two children with his ex-wife. She was struggling financially to raise our cousins without him. My mother was livid that her BIL had done that, and insisted that my father give every dime to the ex-wife/mother of his kids. I'd like to think that even if my mom hadn't done that, one of my other aunts or uncles would have called out my dad for keeping that money. But my dad could have kept quiet and not told anybody about the will, even my mom, and nobody would have been the wiser. The secret nature of wills seems ripe for all sorts of moral corruption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it you hope to gain by choosing that action? Do you want them to press your sib to share?

Not OP, but I do think there can be some relief in letting those you love know why you act uncomfortable in response to their support. I would not do it in a spiteful way, but I would want my loved ones to know I appreciate their thoughts and kindness, but this is what happened and I am processing it all.

My own mother has an outside mask and a behind closed doors side she shows to me that is abusive and she would definitely play favorites and try to create drama in her aftermath. When she passes, I plan to be polite to anyone who says "I am sorry for your loss" and if they go on and on about how amazing she is I will say "I am so glad you had that experience with her." However, if anyone tries to do the whole "I know how painful it was to lose a loving mother. You must be devastated, I may actually say something like "I saw a different side of her than you did and many painful interactions that I always blamed myself for, yet I did keep showing up for her and doing my best. Now I am processing being disinherited. I hope you cherish your precious memories, but please understand my experience was different."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom disinherited my brother of all but a small portion. I chose to split everything 50/50 and the probate court had no objection at all.

Why would the probate court care? It was your money at that point you could do whatever you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without anybody else being aware of the inequity, the person sitting on the big inheritance doesn't have to endure any shame or disapproval for being greedy and not sharing.

My father inherited everything from his brother/my uncle who was divorced and had two children with his ex-wife. She was struggling financially to raise our cousins without him. My mother was livid that her BIL had done that, and insisted that my father give every dime to the ex-wife/mother of his kids. I'd like to think that even if my mom hadn't done that, one of my other aunts or uncles would have called out my dad for keeping that money. But my dad could have kept quiet and not told anybody about the will, even my mom, and nobody would have been the wiser. The secret nature of wills seems ripe for all sorts of moral corruption.

Keep in mind that once the estate has been administered the Will is then a public record for anyone with the ability to do a search, finding the document in the local Civil court system.