Filled with hatred for STBX and trying to hide it from the kids

[Anonymous]

Don't cover up for him. Tell them you know it's sad and disappointing he did not follow through but don't make excuses.
Making his excuses is buying into the mess.
Keep clear. Acknowledge the kids' feelings but don't make his apologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to know the answer to this. Similar situation but we’re not even to the financial part and are stuck on time. DH wants time with the kids but then never actually rearranges his schedule to make it work and doesn’t show up to events he promises to be at. I have to pick up the emotional mess it creates and it’s really hard not to shred him to pieces in front of the kids, but also hard to make excuses for him. I know the financial stuff will be just plain vile.

I think the hardest part is having to convey to the kids the apologies that their father really should be giving. I frequently find myself in that position and it is not fair but it feels like one of the parents needs to acknowledge how messed up things are.

Schedule a 4 hour mediation session and get through all your issues at once. A good mediator will help find a agreeable middle ground on everything.
We did and it resolved 95% of our parenting plan.

[Anonymous]

Hating your ex husband is expected and normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't cover up for him. Tell them you know it's sad and disappointing he did not follow through but don't make excuses.
Making his excuses is buying into the mess.
Keep clear. Acknowledge the kids' feelings but don't make his apologies.

Np. Good advice. I’m 10 years divorced and I covered for my ex with my kids for years. High road and all. Then he decides to be more involved up a number of years later and bashed me to the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

Then she would be making her kids hate their own father,which is not a good thing for them. That's the tricky part.

She wouldn't be "making" them do anything. Sharing the truth is not "making her kids hate their own father".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't cover up for him. Tell them you know it's sad and disappointing he did not follow through but don't make excuses.
Making his excuses is buying into the mess.
Keep clear. Acknowledge the kids' feelings but don't make his apologies.

Np. Good advice. I’m 10 years divorced and I covered for my ex with my kids for years. High road and all. Then he decides to be more involved up a number of years later and bashed me to the kids

Same. I took the high road for 20 years and counting and was bashed nonstop the entire time. It had lasting effects on me and my kids and our relationships. I still think taking the high road was the right choice. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to know the answer to this. Similar situation but we’re not even to the financial part and are stuck on time. DH wants time with the kids but then never actually rearranges his schedule to make it work and doesn’t show up to events he promises to be at. I have to pick up the emotional mess it creates and it’s really hard not to shred him to pieces in front of the kids, but also hard to make excuses for him. I know the financial stuff will be just plain vile.

I think the hardest part is having to convey to the kids the apologies that their father really should be giving. I frequently find myself in that position and it is not fair but it feels like one of the parents needs to acknowledge how messed up things are.

Schedule a 4 hour mediation session and get through all your issues at once. A good mediator will help find a agreeable middle ground on everything.
We did and it resolved 95% of our parenting plan.

Mine refuses to attend mediation and thinks that will just halt divorce proceedings. He has no idea how expensive and difficult this is all going to be. Or maybe he does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent to therapist and friends. Find something that helps gets your anger out. My friend's ex walked out on his family with no warning and disappeared for a month. Screwed her financially in the process. When he came back and started the divorce proceedings, she didn't want to completely ruin his relationship with their son. But she was mad, devastated, sad ...all the emotions.
She got a therapist for herself and her son and we and some of our other friends enrolled in a kickboxing/boxing class. She found it VERY therapeutic to punch and kick bags and mitts.

Hah, love this. Great way to get out some of that anger and aggression, and start toning up in the process!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

It's not their money to steal. Parents are under no obligation to spend lavishly on their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

It's not their money to steal. Parents are under no obligation to spend lavishly on their children.

The moral obligation not to put your own kids in drastically different living conditions can’t be ignored. These are not full bodied adults who can just go find a job makeup for the lost home and college.

[Anonymous]

There are two sides to every story. Maybe op is getting financially screwed or maybe they are actually the entitled one just trying to horde money for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to know the answer to this. Similar situation but we’re not even to the financial part and are stuck on time. DH wants time with the kids but then never actually rearranges his schedule to make it work and doesn’t show up to events he promises to be at. I have to pick up the emotional mess it creates and it’s really hard not to shred him to pieces in front of the kids, but also hard to make excuses for him. I know the financial stuff will be just plain vile.

I think the hardest part is having to convey to the kids the apologies that their father really should be giving. I frequently find myself in that position and it is not fair but it feels like one of the parents needs to acknowledge how messed up things are.

Schedule a 4 hour mediation session and get through all your issues at once. A good mediator will help find a agreeable middle ground on everything.
We did and it resolved 95% of our parenting plan.

This only works with someone whose main goal isn't screwing you over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't cover up for him. Tell them you know it's sad and disappointing he did not follow through but don't make excuses.
Making his excuses is buying into the mess.
Keep clear. Acknowledge the kids' feelings but don't make his apologies.

Np. Good advice. I’m 10 years divorced and I covered for my ex with my kids for years. High road and all. Then he decides to be more involved up a number of years later and bashed me to the kids

There's a wide middle ground between making excuses for someone and bashing them yourself.

Now how to walk that perfectly when your kids come to you crying because their other parent is bashing YOU to the kids? That...I don't know. My kids are so tired of hearing "I'm sorry. That's an issue between us and you shouldn't have to hear about it." But at least I'm not covering for the jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP mad she not getting paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

It's not their money to steal. Parents are under no obligation to spend lavishly on their children.

The moral obligation not to put your own kids in drastically different living conditions can’t be ignored. These are not full bodied adults who can just go find a job makeup for the lost home and college.

its not just moral some jurisdictions take this into consideration