Anyone else have a toxic mother that everyone else thinks is so sweet?

[Anonymous]

Called mom for her birthday. I’ve felt bad that I’ve been avoiding her because she makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. On the call she described that she needs a hip replacement but the surgery is too risky because of her advanced age. She will have to wear an immobilizing brace and maybe she should just give up. Geeze I’m feeling so very bad for her. Then she asks me about my kids. I know from past experience not to offer up details because she’ll use them against us.

She then goes on to sweetly provide an update on Grandkid 1 the gay, Grandkid 2 the mental inpatient and Grandkid 3 who has out of control manic spending. She’s worried about them. For Grandkid 4, she warned her not to be a party girl in college like me. I was not a partier and in fact was president of my class and went on to a top grad school. I’m close to my niece (Grandkid 3) and I know from close experience that she is an accomplished college grad who is in fact very responsible with money and her life. Same with Grandkids 1 and 2, they are lovely. My siblings know the things mom says are ridiculous but she’s very sweet and they just cater to her whims. Then mom says, happily, my sibling is taking her on a trip! That’s great, but I thought you just said you are immobile and this might be the end?

I have built a nice life for myself, husband and kids. I would really love for my kids to see more of their grandmother, but I don’t think anything good can come from this. My kids are wonderful and also happen to have medical things my mom could pick on. My siblings don’t understand why I’m estranged from our mom, and I don’t understand why they continue to cater to her when she speaks ill of their kids and parenting. How do others successfully navigate a situation like this?

[Anonymous]

I have a toxic mother who everyone knows is toxic, but they enable her. I don’t, and I constantly hear, “but she’s your mother.”

Sending hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

I feel this, OP. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a toxic mother who everyone knows is toxic, but they enable her. I don’t, and I constantly hear, “but she’s your mother.”

Sending hugs, OP.

Same. Not sure anyone would describe her as "so sweet" but, as PP said, they enable her, I don't, and I get the "but she's your mother."

[Anonymous]

My mom is a well known politician. Many people love her. It was hell being her daughter.

[Anonymous]

I always say to everyone who never met her that they would have loved my mother, and it’s true. She was funny, intelligent, a gracious and spirited host, generous at times and full of life. But she was also haunted by all kinds of things and could be spiteful, mean, resentful and manipulative. She suffered mental illness and addiction. She was beautiful, wonderful, and very toxic at times. She left behind a wreckage of lives and relationships.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a mental health professional and we have a number of shared professional connections (I'm trained as one but do different work). Everyone raves about how supportive and warm and nurturing she was, how capable and calm. At home, she struggled to provide emotional support, was frequently in tears, and relied on me a ton for equilibrium. She still does, in many ways.

So, not toxic or abusive, but it's a very difficult line to walk, nonetheless. And because she's local, I get a LOT of "it's so great your mom is close," etc. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different. I've noticed that some people are really bothered by judgy and mean-spirited relatives who talk smack whereas others can shrug or laugh it off. Some people tend towards gossip whereas others are super offended by it. Is it possible you and your sister differ in these ways? No one is right, but affects people differently.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a very hard life OP I know all about it.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks everyone. This goes to show that each of us have our own story. You never know, even if the person is a politician, beloved community member, etc., how the person interacts with loved ones at home.

The prior PP is right, some people do just shrug these things off. I can shrug off barbs when it comes to insults about me because I’m an adult. But I draw the line at insulting children. She said she’d been having a good day until I accused her of not loving her grandchildren. Yep okay. Bye.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Called mom for her birthday. I’ve felt bad that I’ve been avoiding her because she makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. On the call she described that she needs a hip replacement but the surgery is too risky because of her advanced age. She will have to wear an immobilizing brace and maybe she should just give up. Geeze I’m feeling so very bad for her. Then she asks me about my kids. I know from past experience not to offer up details because she’ll use them against us.

She then goes on to sweetly provide an update on Grandkid 1 the gay, Grandkid 2 the mental inpatient and Grandkid 3 who has out of control manic spending. She’s worried about them. For Grandkid 4, she warned her not to be a party girl in college like me. I was not a partier and in fact was president of my class and went on to a top grad school. I’m close to my niece (Grandkid 3) and I know from close experience that she is an accomplished college grad who is in fact very responsible with money and her life. Same with Grandkids 1 and 2, they are lovely. My siblings know the things mom says are ridiculous but she’s very sweet and they just cater to her whims. Then mom says, happily, my sibling is taking her on a trip! That’s great, but I thought you just said you are immobile and this might be the end?

I have built a nice life for myself, husband and kids. I would really love for my kids to see more of their grandmother, but I don’t think anything good can come from this. My kids are wonderful and also happen to have medical things my mom could pick on. My siblings don’t understand why I’m estranged from our mom, and I don’t understand why they continue to cater to her when she speaks ill of their kids and parenting. How do others successfully navigate a situation like this?

This is the real issue. Not your mom. Give examples of why it's an issue for your siblings though. Let them do what they're going to do. You do what you're going to do. Show up to group functions and be polite and normal and grey rock your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Called mom for her birthday. I’ve felt bad that I’ve been avoiding her because she makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. On the call she described that she needs a hip replacement but the surgery is too risky because of her advanced age. She will have to wear an immobilizing brace and maybe she should just give up. Geeze I’m feeling so very bad for her. Then she asks me about my kids. I know from past experience not to offer up details because she’ll use them against us.

She then goes on to sweetly provide an update on Grandkid 1 the gay, Grandkid 2 the mental inpatient and Grandkid 3 who has out of control manic spending. She’s worried about them. For Grandkid 4, she warned her not to be a party girl in college like me. I was not a partier and in fact was president of my class and went on to a top grad school. I’m close to my niece (Grandkid 3) and I know from close experience that she is an accomplished college grad who is in fact very responsible with money and her life. Same with Grandkids 1 and 2, they are lovely. My siblings know the things mom says are ridiculous but she’s very sweet and they just cater to her whims. Then mom says, happily, my sibling is taking her on a trip! That’s great, but I thought you just said you are immobile and this might be the end?

I have built a nice life for myself, husband and kids. I would really love for my kids to see more of their grandmother, but I don’t think anything good can come from this. My kids are wonderful and also happen to have medical things my mom could pick on. My siblings don’t understand why I’m estranged from our mom, and I don’t understand why they continue to cater to her when she speaks ill of their kids and parenting. How do others successfully navigate a situation like this?

This is the real issue. Not your mom. Give examples of why it's an issue for your siblings though. Let them do what they're going to do. You do what you're going to do. Show up to group functions and be polite and normal and grey rock your mom.

And I should say I have a mom exactly like what you are describing. My sibling on and off over the years have come at things differently but ultimately in my mother's old age are pretty aligned. But had many years we didn't handle it the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

I have a wonderful and loving mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a toxic mother who everyone knows is toxic, but they enable her. I don’t, and I constantly hear, “but she’s your mother.”

Sending hugs, OP.

Had to check the date.

I could have written this.