Anyone else have a toxic mother that everyone else thinks is so sweet?

[Anonymous]

I would love to not be bothered by barbs by family and my mom. How does one go about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

I have a wonderful and loving mom.

+ 1
Me too. My mom is my hero. She is a beloved matriarch of the entire extended family.

Does she and did she do the stuff OP's mom does throughout her life or is she kinder? Is it you taking barbs better from her or your mom having less of them throughout your life?

My mom has always been very principled and super hardworking throughout her life. She had her priorities straight in life and she really felt a deep down obligation to take care of her family in the best possible way. She remains a doting grandmother to this day. Of course, my dad respected her a lot and handed her everything that he earned. So she ruled the house and also had a very supportive and devoted husband.

She has had a simple philosophy and that is - you have full control of how you can behave. So even if you don't have money or resources or are in a bad situation - you can make things better by being loving, caring and kind to each other.

The daily discipline that she follow to this day is that - wonderful delicious food is made every single day in the morning and anyone who comes to the house at mealtime is fed, the full house is cleaned, the plants and pets are fed, she takes a bath in the morning and prays every day, and of course, the clothes are washed in the morning and she sits in the evening to iron the lot. Not only this has kept her fit in her 80s, but, whenever the world seems to be crashing around us, my mom has relied on her daily routine to get us through each day with strength and comfort. She has always had a solid structure to her life and day and that has allowed her to always be helpful, nurturing and loving to all of us. She is not an entitled person at all, she is not judgemental and she is too busy to care about other people business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

I have a wonderful and loving mom.

+ 1
Me too. My mom is my hero. She is a beloved matriarch of the entire extended family.

Does she and did she do the stuff OP's mom does throughout her life or is she kinder? Is it you taking barbs better from her or your mom having less of them throughout your life?

My mom has always been very principled and super hardworking throughout her life. She had her priorities straight in life and she really felt a deep down obligation to take care of her family in the best possible way. She remains a doting grandmother to this day. Of course, my dad respected her a lot and handed her everything that he earned. So she ruled the house and also had a very supportive and devoted husband.

She has had a simple philosophy and that is - you have full control of how you can behave. So even if you don't have money or resources or are in a bad situation - you can make things better by being loving, caring and kind to each other.

The daily discipline that she follow to this day is that - wonderful delicious food is made every single day in the morning and anyone who comes to the house at mealtime is fed, the full house is cleaned, the plants and pets are fed, she takes a bath in the morning and prays every day, and of course, the clothes are washed in the morning and she sits in the evening to iron the lot. Not only this has kept her fit in her 80s, but, whenever the world seems to be crashing around us, my mom has relied on her daily routine to get us through each day with strength and comfort. She has always had a solid structure to her life and day and that has allowed her to always be helpful, nurturing and loving to all of us. She is not an entitled person at all, she is not judgemental and she is too busy to care about other people business.

So no she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a lovely person, but it sounds like she doesn't have two sides to her personality like OP's mom. Just the one.

[Anonymous]

No. Mine is a true Martini swilling, truth telling WASP. It's actually hilarious. And she still has a large friend group. I think people like her because she actually tells the truth and does not sugar coat anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to not be bothered by barbs by family and my mom. How does one go about this?

Drinking!

[Anonymous]

Oh and my Mom's sister starts the day with a shot of vodka. Back in their youth, they married brothers the same year in a double wedding (the 40s). And 3 years later, they swapped husbands and lived that way until the men died in their early 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and my Mom's sister starts the day with a shot of vodka. Back in their youth, they married brothers the same year in a double wedding (the 40s). And 3 years later, they swapped husbands and lived that way until the men died in their early 60s.

WHAT??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone not have a toxic mother?

My child doesn't.

Broke the chain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to not be bothered by barbs by family and my mom. How does one go about this?

Me too.
I have an outwardly perfect mother who idolizes my brother and never seems satisfied by anything I accomplish or do for her.
She is super judgemental directly to me and behind the backs of everyone else. Huge superiority complex. Sigh.

I guess we can heed the advice of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[Anonymous]

Strangers find my mother attentive and gracious. As a kid, my friends would tell me "oh your mother is so kind". Some of them couldn't believe that I was being smothered and controlled. In reality, she's hypercritical and hypercontrolling. I was not allowed to go out when I got home from school. I was not allowed to socialize with friends outside of school. I couldn't phone anyone without her breathing down my neck. Anytime I wanted normal clothes, she called me a whore. She bought me extra baggy clothing. She wouldn't admit that I had pollen allergies and every spring I suffered terribly while she'd say "you caught a cold, put on a sweater". It's only when my eye allergies got so bad that I needed to be taken to a doctor and he said I'd narrowly avoided permanent scarring on my cornea, that she took my allergies seriously.

I was so glad to escape in my early 20s and make a life on the other side of the Atlantic.

And when she started on my kids, and called my toddler daughter fat, that's when I cut her off. My husband persuaded me to reconnect, but I will never trust her ever again. She's mentally ill and will never accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a well known politician. Many people love her. It was hell being her daughter.

Your situation might be different, PP. Many politicians' children are ignored. The required skills don't always translate 100% to family life, and the public life takes precedence. The era when politicians could expect to carve out a space for home life and parenting is more recent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strangers find my mother attentive and gracious. As a kid, my friends would tell me "oh your mother is so kind". Some of them couldn't believe that I was being smothered and controlled. In reality, she's hypercritical and hypercontrolling. I was not allowed to go out when I got home from school. I was not allowed to socialize with friends outside of school. I couldn't phone anyone without her breathing down my neck. Anytime I wanted normal clothes, she called me a whore. She bought me extra baggy clothing. She wouldn't admit that I had pollen allergies and every spring I suffered terribly while she'd say "you caught a cold, put on a sweater". It's only when my eye allergies got so bad that I needed to be taken to a doctor and he said I'd narrowly avoided permanent scarring on my cornea, that she took my allergies seriously.

I was so glad to escape in my early 20s and make a life on the other side of the Atlantic.

And when she started on my kids, and called my toddler daughter fat, that's when I cut her off. My husband persuaded me to reconnect, but I will never trust her ever again. She's mentally ill and will never accept it.

Thanks for posting PP. Glad to know you have a loving new family and are a caring mom to your own kids. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

My mom isn't toxic anymore thanks to meds and a therapist, but she was until I was about 30. On the outside, she presented as perfect SAHM. Friend thought she was so amazing and were jealous. She has a close relationship with my cousins. Family and family friends would see glimpses of her toxicity, but would brush it off or laugh it off as "anxiety and that's just how she is".

We have a better relationship now (I'm 39) but it still bothers me that she can have a close relationship with my cousins and I could never foster that with her because of how she treated me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn't toxic anymore thanks to meds and a therapist, but she was until I was about 30. On the outside, she presented as perfect SAHM. Friend thought she was so amazing and were jealous. She has a close relationship with my cousins. Family and family friends would see glimpses of her toxicity, but would brush it off or laugh it off as "anxiety and that's just how she is".

We have a better relationship now (I'm 39) but it still bothers me that she can have a close relationship with my cousins and I could never foster that with her because of how she treated me.

What meds and therapy helped her? Did she have a mental condition they were able to treat?