Do you ever stop being the black sheep

[Anonymous]

30 years ago I was a problem high schooler in the normal sort of way (busted drinking, skipping school, bad grades etc.) but nothing too serious (eg no drugs, no rehab, I didn’t hurt anyone or my self).

I had a rough first year of college but then straightened out. Now I’m a professional making top money, 2 million net worth, home owner in exclusive suburb, married for 20 years, 4 great kids etc.

The problem is I still hear the same “when are you gonna to get your life together” stuff I heard when I was in my 20s from my parents and siblings. I finally confronted my family and asked what about my life was deficient- no one had any answers. But a couple of weeks later they were back to saying “I hope you get it together.”

The most frustrating part about it is that is really they are stuck on what was about three years of my life, summer after sophomore year in high school through freshman year of college. I’m almost 50 when does this end?

[Anonymous]

In the same boat about my divorce and choosing the wrong partner. Other than choosing him I didn't even do anything. I've decided no. Thats why I dont spend time with family anymore. A lot of people like to have someone to blame so they can be sure no one is talking about them.

[Anonymous]

I liked it to politics. No one ever seems to get tired of bashing the other political side no matter how many times they've already hashed out the issues.

[Anonymous]

Curious, OP - how many siblings and what birth order are you?

If this dynamic bothers you - and it would bother me - I'd focus on your immediate family and your friends.

I have a sister who is constantly critical of me and always baits me and baits me till I respond, upset, and then I'm the one supposedly causing issues. I have started trying to minimize being around her and when she is mean I have started saying, "That's a rude comment." Not sure if it works or not. But I doubt she will ever stop picking on me so I am trying not to fall for her bait as much. I dont know what her problem is.

[Anonymous]

You can just ignore them and focus on the people who see you for the together person you are today. You are the ram of your household.

[Anonymous]

My sister was the black sheep for her entire life until she had the first grandchild. Then she could do no wrong. So yes, things can change. But if they don't -- just ignore them, OP! Just laugh. It's ridiculous. Don't let them get to you. You're a success and you know it.

My mother harasses me about a particular habit I have. When I was younger that kind of thing would really hurt me and I would feel she was trying to tear me down. Now I really don't give a crap what she thinks or says about it. I'm too old for that. So are you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister was the black sheep for her entire life until she had the first grandchild. Then she could do no wrong. So yes, things can change. But if they don't -- just ignore them, OP! Just laugh. It's ridiculous. Don't let them get to you. You're a success and you know it.

My mother harasses me about a particular habit I have. When I was younger that kind of thing would really hurt me and I would feel she was trying to tear me down. Now I really don't give a crap what she thinks or says about it. I'm too old for that. So are you, OP.

NP- Do you have a normal relationship with your mom or do you minimize contact? If you’re close, why do you accept being harassed?

[Anonymous]

I'm the family scapegoat and was always viewed as the problematic person in the family, despite not ever being an actual problem. I always got good grades, had a job, married a nice guy, have two wonderful kids, and have a great career and friends.

I distanced myself from my family for several years starting when I left for college to get away from the negative dynamic. After we had some space, I then tried for about 15 years to be "perfect" and rebuild a relationship as an adult instead of a child. Sometimes things were fine, but if someone was bored or upset, I was always blamed as the problem. I was also never an equal, but someone they humored.

There was an incident a few years ago where it became clear that I would never move past being blamed and viewed as a problematic person. That's how they've cast me in my role in the family. So now we don't have a relationship (except with one sister who agrees the whole dynamic is f*d up).

It drives me a bit nuts that this choice to put up a boundary reinforces their view that I'm the problem, but whatever. I can't handle being treated poorly and being expected to take it because that's what I deserve any longer.

[Anonymous]

So we're meant to believe they are telling you to get it together for absolutely no reason?

Sure op.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Childhood family dynamics are practically set in stone for life.

I'm not judging you, but in the families I know, even if the children grow up to be financially successful, if they had messy lives as children, they still have messy lives as adults, and perhaps this is what your siblings are commenting on.

Ex: my husband has ADHD. He had a volatile childhood and was definitely the headstrong, getting-into-trouble type. His siblings recount hair-raising stories of what he did. His parents punished him for being "the bad boy". Now he's wealthy, and still leads a messy life. I married him when he was a struggling guy, and now he's worth 20M. As his wife, I tolerate his inattention, habitual tardiness and mercurial character as best as I can. ADHD doesn't go away just because you become rich, have a nice house and a spouse and kids.

[Anonymous]

I just embrace it. I was a rebellious teen by partying and being vegetarian. FF 20 years later, I'm the picky one in my family who leaves the house, has friends, and is not obese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just embrace it. I was a rebellious teen by partying and being vegetarian. FF 20 years later, I'm the picky one in my family who leaves the house, has friends, and is not obese.

Meant to say the only one. Sometimes it's good to be different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister was the black sheep for her entire life until she had the first grandchild. Then she could do no wrong. So yes, things can change. But if they don't -- just ignore them, OP! Just laugh. It's ridiculous. Don't let them get to you. You're a success and you know it.

My mother harasses me about a particular habit I have. When I was younger that kind of thing would really hurt me and I would feel she was trying to tear me down. Now I really don't give a crap what she thinks or says about it. I'm too old for that. So are you, OP.

NP- Do you have a normal relationship with your mom or do you minimize contact? If you’re close, why do you accept being harassed?

We have a very close relationship despite her being a raging ***** to me when I was young. I was distant when she was able to hurt me, for self-preservation, but I'm not vulnerable to her anymore, so that probably weakens her desire to do it, too. Not as much fun when the other person is laughing it off. But I would never be friends with someone who criticized me like that --what's the point? Even with family, if they're more bad than good, then what's the point? It's not family if they're attacking you and diminishing you. I guess the reality is that parents are just people at the end of the day, and if they're not caring for you then they are only your parents on paper. That was the hard pill I had to swallow when I distanced myself from her. Still, there is some tie there that I will never have with anyone else, and that is valuable to both of us. I think she really can't help herself, either, so I can give her some grace now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just embrace it. I was a rebellious teen by partying and being vegetarian. FF 20 years later, I'm the picky one in my family who leaves the house, has friends, and is not obese.

Meant to say the only one. Sometimes it's good to be different

Misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

OP, same here. Unfortunately, they need to see you this way to so they don't have to look at the problems in the family. If you would have asked me at 25 about my place in my family, I would have smiled and told you that I think I'm the black sheep. Thirty years later, I would tell you that I am the family scapegoat. I went low contact, but am now no contact contact. I could no longer deal with the cognitive dissonance (being labeled the bad one when I am the family feeler/empathetic one) and constant sibling sabotage of me. Rebecca Mandeville is a great resource online. You might check her out and see if you find her content relatable.