Responsive vs. permissive parenting
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Anonymous
| DH and I are not seeing eye to eye on parenting our 10 month old. Of all the babies I know she seems to be on the more sensitive end of things and is not particularly chill - she gets upset or bored very easily, and doesn't like to play by herself. When she's with me, I spend most of the time directly engaging with her (she's our only, so this is not too difficult). DH feels that I am responding too much and teaching her to rely on us for everything. I feel that she is an infant and at this stage I'm not doing any harm. Thoughts? Basically, I feel like I am practicing responsive parenting while he thinks it is permissive. |
Anonymous
| She's so little. Be there when she needs you. It's okay to encourage her to entertain herself, but not at the expense of her sense of security. |
Anonymous
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You can’t be permissive with a 10 month old, so your husband is missing the mark. An infant needs a responsive, engaged parent and doing so is how you strengthen your bond.
That being said, you can encourage her to explore independently or work out minor frustrations on her own. Your baby sounds like my first child, and I think he may just have a needy personality, but I also think our constant engagement fed into it a bit. Our second child who naturally receives less engagement due to us having to share our attention with her brother is much more easygoing and happy to explore her environment on her own terms. I sometimes wonder whether we should have encouraged this more with our first. |
Anonymous
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Of course you respond to babies, talk with them, engage with them, and of course they rely on you for just about every basic need. That said - historically, moms have not been their children's playmates. They would play peekaboo here and there, or sing a song while rocking to sleep, or read a bedtime story, but this 24-7 attention to babies is pretty new in the scheme of things. I can't help but wonder if that also correlates with kids in general seeming needier with each generation.
I do think if your husband is noticing things (and you generally trust his judgment), you might want to consider whether you are overdoing it, or neglecting yourself or your marriage. A little time doing non preferred activities (such as being by themselves while you and DH have a morning coffee together or you go take a shower) can help older babies develop independence, flexibility, etc. |
Anonymous
Definitely agree with the bolded. Historically, parents just did less parenting. Modern parents, with fewer kids, spend a lot more time parenting than their grandparents. It's probably too much. I also think that OP having decided that her kid has a particular personality type before they're one is a red flag to me that she's falling into the "too much" camp. |
Anonymous
| The child is an infant. Our ability to trust and sense of security is forged in the first three years of life when we are helpless and 100% reliant on our caregivers to respond in an appropriate and timely manner to our needs. wtf is weong with you and dh? The kid is literally dependant on you for survival. Take care of your kid. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Yes, you want to interact with them and engage with them, but ten months old is a good age to work on the skill (yes, skill) of entertaining yourself. You said so yourself, she's "easily bored." That isn't a personality trait. You have gotten her used to always being entertained by you, so she doesn't know how to entertain herself. That's fine - she's 10 months old! You're doing great! But it won't be fine at 24 months, and in fact will be a mess. So, now is a good time to start working on it. A good way to do this is a formalized "independent playtime." We did this with all three kids. To start, you put the baby in a safe place out of your sight (we used the crib, lights fully and brightly on so it was clearly not sleep time, but others use a pack n' play or fenced in area) with a few (3 or 4?) toys, tell them it's time to play and you will be back in 10 minutes in a cheery voice (they understand more than you think), and set a timer with an audible beep in the room (kitchen timers are great for this). The first day, it's very likely she will cry the whole time. That's OKAY. A 10 month old can cry for a few minutes and feel lonely and bored. When the timer beeps, you go in with big smiles. "You did it! I'm so proud of you! You played all by yourself! What a big girl!" Big hugs and cuddles and smiles. Then do it again tomorrow. I had a rule that if they cried through the whole thing, I decreased the time by a minute the next day. If they never cried, I increased by a minute. If it was intermittent, I left it the same. Work up to 30 minutes. We got there, in fits and starts, in 1-2 months. I think this is especially important with the first. You sort of naturally leave subsequent babies to entertain themselves sometimes because you have to tend to the other children, so they adapt. But I know a LOT of families who hit a REALLY big headache when baby #2 arrived because their older child was used to constant entertainment/adult engagement. Get in front of it now - it's a great time to start. |
Anonymous
No one is suggesting that they not meet the baby's needs. Being entertained every second of every day is not a need or no one would ever be able to have more than one child. |
Anonymous
+1 if this was about giving in to a 3 yo's demands that would be a completely different story. This is an infant..cherish this time if you are able to be there for your baby like that. What you're doing is absolutely right OP. |
Anonymous
| Also, if you had more on your hands and weren't able to engage your infant nonstop, that would be okay too. With our 2nd, we had an older kid and we're juggling WFH without childcare during Covid. Totally different ballgame. Doesn't mean that someone with one baby and sufficient time shouldn't spend that with baby if she actually wants to. |
Anonymous
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Your husband doesn't understand what permissive parenting is.
What you are doing would be considered "permissive parenting" with a 10 year old, because a 10 year old NEEDS to build skills and be independent. If you were constantly engaging and entertaining a 10 year old and attending to his every need (taking him to the bathroom, feeding him, etc.) it would be permissive because you would be allowing a child who should be much more independent to rely on you for things he can and should do himself. When you give into a demand from a child even though it is more developmentally appropriate for you to set boundaries, that's permissive. With a 10 month old, it's the reverse because 10 month olds cannot do anything on their own yet. They can't walk, talk, use the bathroom, or feed themselves (sure they can shove some food in their mouths with like 50% accuracy, but they can't go to the pantry and get a snack for themselves). They can't put themselves to bed or even know that they are tired. They have no self awareness. So with a 10 month old, being attentive to their needs is not "permissive" -- it's exactly what the 10 month old needs. They do not need much independence at all, perhaps a little around things like falling asleep on their own and learning to play independently while a caregiver is nearby. They should be encouraged to explore their environment on their own but with close supervision, and you need to let them develop gross and fine motor skills independently (let her try to open a container of food on her own if you're outside, let her pull herself up on a table, etc.). But a 10 month old should basically never be left entirely to her own devices and if you do that, THAT would be permissive. I would suggest your husband read a book or some websites about child development and read about what it is normal for a child to be able to do on their own at each stage. In particular, have him read about attention spans and how long a typical child at each age can entertain themselves. |
Anonymous
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In a couple of years, or sooner, your husband is going to wonder why your child doesn’t seek him out, isn’t as affectionate with him, and prefers mom. He will blame “coddling” as the reason. Fast forward 10 years and he will wonder why your child doesn’t confide in him and is reluctant to do one on one activities with him.
He is mistaking permissiveness for disinterest. Being too busy to interact with your infant is not the same thing as being disinterested. Toddlers and small children can tell the difference. |
Anonymous
| Wow this post is confirmation that all this bunk parenting pop psychology is doing is making parents fight and go crazy. The two worst things for your kid. |
Anonymous
Honestly at this point anyone who gives their parenting style a name is suspect to me. 9 times out of 10 they're crazy. |
Anonymous
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This isn’t about the baby .. Maybe your husband is seeking more of your time. |