MIL's disdain for those who move in retirement

[Anonymous]

My 80-year-old mother-in-law has made it clear that she expects her two kids to never move out of the area as long as she is alive, because she will probably need help as she ages. When extended family has chosen to go south after retirement, she always comments about them leaving their elderly parents and how wrong that seems. She spent years tending to her own elderly mother, who took in her own elderly father, so I assume it's a generational thing.

MIL is closer, physically and emotionally, to her other child (not my spouse). And she does have enough money to pay for care. But even without those factors, we don't think it's fair to burden adult children with the expectation that they will put their lives--and, honestly, their own golden years--on hold to be at a parent's beck and call.

Do we discuss this with her, or just stay silent when she makes these comments?

[Anonymous]

Cut the old lady a break, would ya? The bottom line is that she ain't looking to your husband, she's looking at the sibling, right? It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Her other child can say something if they want, don't speak for them.

[Anonymous]

She's telling you she's afraid of being left behind and forgotten. Unless you have concrete plans to move, just smile and nod.

[Anonymous]

Even my very conservative Vietnamese in-laws have given up on the idea that any of their kids will take them in (or move in) and care for them 24/7 in their old age. My MIL did try, but all her Vietnamese DILs laughed in her face, her own sons shuffled out of the discussion shamefacedly, which left me, the sole non-Viet in the family, with more of a case to ignore the request. She's not abandoned either! She spends her time between an apartment in the city and a house with garden in the country, looked after by hired aides who cook, clean and do everything she wants, visited by nurses and physical therapists, and her oldest son and his wife drop in regularly to supervise and keep her company - they're closest, we're out of the country.

If you feel guilty and want to be prepare your MIL, by all means, have your husband warn her that most adult children don't live with their elderly parents anymore. But if you want to avoid a conflict, not telling her is fine too.

Also, you're allowed to move anywhere in the world.

[Anonymous]

Do you get the sense she expects you to say anything, or is this a monologue with no pause?

"Can you believe they'd do that?"
"Well, yes, because they need jobs."

[Anonymous]

She may cut you out of her will. Stay put.

[Anonymous]

"Well, yes, because they love Florida"
"Well, yes, because a lot of their friends are down there"
"Well, yes, because they're living their lives, as adults do"

[Anonymous]

My mother demonizes anyone who moves away, puts their parents in AL or basically doesn't cater to their elderly parents. She also barely lifted a finger for her own elderly parents. Her sister who was put in AL is in much better shape. It's a luxury place and it was for her and my uncle's safety. My mother also tries all sorts of far worse manipulations-making threats, hurling insults, etc to get people to fall into line.

Sometimes you just have to learn to detach with love for your own survival. We had some major stressors (life threatening health issue) and just could no longer cater. She showed her true colors by still making everything all about her. We make sure she is properly cared for and are more behind the scenes-hiring a professional to manage things and make sure she she has caregivers, therapies when needed after surgery, etc.

We no longer engage with the negativity and manipulations. No time for it. We redirect or simply exit stage left. You want to make sure they receive decent care, but as the old saying goes on here no need to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother demonizes anyone who moves away, puts their parents in AL or basically doesn't cater to their elderly parents. She also barely lifted a finger for her own elderly parents. Her sister who was put in AL is in much better shape. It's a luxury place and it was for her and my uncle's safety. My mother also tries all sorts of far worse manipulations-making threats, hurling insults, etc to get people to fall into line.

Sometimes you just have to learn to detach with love for your own survival. We had some major stressors (life threatening health issue) and just could no longer cater. She showed her true colors by still making everything all about her. We make sure she is properly cared for and are more behind the scenes-hiring a professional to manage things and make sure she she has caregivers, therapies when needed after surgery, etc.

We no longer engage with the negativity and manipulations. No time for it. We redirect or simply exit stage left. You want to make sure they receive decent care, but as the old saying goes on here no need to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Posted too soon, but to answer your question, sure you could try to engage at first and calming discuss what you will and won't do. Don't expect it to go well. Once you have given her a chance to be reasonable and rational, just don't engage with any of it.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. And no, it is not your responsibility to cater to her every need as she ages. She should be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother demonizes anyone who moves away, puts their parents in AL or basically doesn't cater to their elderly parents. She also barely lifted a finger for her own elderly parents. Her sister who was put in AL is in much better shape. It's a luxury place and it was for her and my uncle's safety. My mother also tries all sorts of far worse manipulations-making threats, hurling insults, etc to get people to fall into line.

Sometimes you just have to learn to detach with love for your own survival. We had some major stressors (life threatening health issue) and just could no longer cater....

This is the part I don't see mentioned often. Many of us are also old/elderly and now we are supposed to care for people who are even older?

[Anonymous]

My Indian American BIL and wife just ignore my MIL when she starts going on and on about that topic. Then they change the subject and start talking to their young kids like that haven’t heard a word of what she said.

I’m not Indian myself so I wasn’t sure how to respond to her, so now I just do what they do.

[Anonymous]

Why move south. With no money she goes into a Medicaid paid nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I would like to move where my kids go. Or be near them. I've asked my mother and father to move near me but so far my mother refuses. She wants to experience the joys of SFH living as long as possible. I think this will only change once there is a serious health issue. This probably works best for us because my dad is a PITA.

None of us get the Florida thing. And none of our relatives have done it.