Dd having a hard time at my parents’

[Anonymous]

My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to bring it up explicitly with your father and explain what's wrong in words of one syllable? My husband can behave in this way (with any of his relatives, it's not just girls), and I point it out to him. Since he can't always read the room, he hasn't entirely stopped, but he's gotten better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

[Anonymous]

^ if he doesn't stop, you can't send her there by herself anymore. It's not fair to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

Not at all. Everyone has a right of refusal. You do not make fun of or criticize someone's accent. You wouldn't like it if someone criticized you for those things.

Sounds like you're a very regressive, backward person. Drag yourself into the 21st century. Children deserve a sensitive approach just like adults.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

Not at all. Everyone has a right of refusal. You do not make fun of or criticize someone's accent. You wouldn't like it if someone criticized you for those things.

Sounds like you're a very regressive, backward person. Drag yourself into the 21st century. Children deserve a sensitive approach just like adults.

I think it’s fine to not try something you don’t want to try and to not be a constant people pleaser. But that’s sort of back to the issue which is sexism. And yes, pointing out someone’s accent is very rude, it’s putting them down. I have an accent myself, work with people with accents and it would be completely rude to point it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ if he doesn't stop, you can't send her there by herself anymore. It's not fair to your daughter.

It was the first time she was there alone (bc ds usually is there too) and yes likely the last at least for a long visit.

[Anonymous]

You can talk to grandad but it probably won't do any good-- sounds like the "girls / women have to please everyone" is ingrained.

It would be best not to leave dd there alone without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

Not at all. Everyone has a right of refusal. You do not make fun of or criticize someone's accent. You wouldn't like it if someone criticized you for those things.

Sounds like you're a very regressive, backward person. Drag yourself into the 21st century. Children deserve a sensitive approach just like adults.

I think it’s fine to not try something you don’t want to try and to not be a constant people pleaser. But that’s sort of back to the issue which is sexism. And yes, pointing out someone’s accent is very rude, it’s putting them down. I have an accent myself, work with people with accents and it would be completely rude to point it out.

We don’t know what country DD is in and the rules of civility there. So no, we don’t know whether it is polite or impolite based on that culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

I’m going to gently push back on your narrative that your dd is “having the same exact experience I had.” She’s not. She’s spent her entire life growing up with you, and is now spending a few weeks with your less-than-stellar parents. She will be fine. Trust that you’re raising a bright, resilient daughter who can handle this.

If you’re seeing a therapist, these feelings that have been churned up would be good to discuss. If not, you might benefit from writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. You can note how hard it was AND how much you’ve accomplished and are grateful for.

Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with her having a big accent if she's not from there? That one sounds like fact. And it IS rude to not try a bite of something offered.

Anyone who is a friend of DD's should defend her if her grandparent puts DD down to them, otherwise they're not a good friend.
Grandpa: Sorry DD dressed so sloppily for you two to go shopping. She's always embarrassing with her clothes.
DD's Friend: I love DD's style and think she looks great!

You try every single sample at a store?

I think people are missing that it's a spread at a store. Depending on the country no way am I trying some weird room temperature spread sample at a store. I hate goat cheese and won't eat foie gras. It's not rude to demur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are generally kind people but growing up I often felt a dismissive attitude, like I had to be a certain way to accommodate and please everyone or else I was meant to feel annoying and bad.

Ds and dd both went to them for a week (abroad as part of a big trip, firs trip there without us in years), now ds is with friends elsewhere. He had a great time at my parents’. And now dd is spending more time there alone this summer and she is having the same exact experience I had growing up. My dad is especially bad around strangers and will put dd down to please them or to apologize for what he perceives as rude (like dd politely refusing to try a spread at a store), agreeing dd has a big accent when she speaks. I’m upset. I feel bad about her having this bad experience and it’s bringing back bad memories of my own teen years. My brother could do no wrong, now ds can do no wrong.

Refusing to try something is rude, I would apologize for that behavior as well. Teach your child some manners. If she has an accent there’s nothing wrong with saying so. I don’t understand your issue.

+1

If she has an accent, agreeing with someone else’s comment about is is just acknowledging a fact. While in America, refusing a sample at an impersonal store like Trader Joe’s or Costco would never be a problem, I can understand that in other countries, especially if it was a smaller store offering more personal service, refusing an offered sample might be considered rude.

I’m not sure why you’re saying this shows favoritism towards your son, when your son isn’t there. Are you sure that if someone had criticized his accent that your father wouldn’t have agreed that he had an accent, as well? If your son had been in the store and also refused the same spread, do you think your father would have only apologized for your daughter, instead of both children?

It’s obviously difficult to accurately evaluate a situation taking place in an unknown country based on two paragraphs, but it sounds like you may not be viewing this situation objectively, but transferring your feelings from childhood onto this situation. Moreover, if your father really is that sexist, why did you arrange for your daughter to be spending extra time with your parents? That creates an unequal foundation from the start. There are different expectations for someone paying a brief visit, versus someone who is there for an extended stay.

[Anonymous]

Refusing to try something at a store? Like free samples?
If done politely but firmly that is not rude.
I don't eat alliums. So I never would try a garlic or chive cheese, dip, spread.
Saying something rude about the itten like yucky is rude.