How to help grandma understand relationship with teen is different?

[Anonymous]

DD14 has done a lot of growing this past year. She’s made some really close friends, is active in activities at school, and is just “busy”. We definitely prioritize her social life and believe we would be remiss not to, since the whole point of growing up is learning to branch out and leave home. In a few short months when she turns 15, she will also have a little job as well. Even as her parents, we are learning to embrace this new relationship. She’s off at school or with friends more than she’s home, but we cherish the time we spend with her, understanding she’s growing up and this is our new normal. In just three years, she will move out to college.

But grandma, my mom, is having a really hard time with this and taking it personally. We didn’t see my mom a lot this past year and a half due to frequent medical issues for her and rotating sickness for us, and so DD went from a more childlike 13yo to the more matured almost 15yo she is now. My mom lives in a retirement community with a pool and still thinks DD wants to come and swim like a fish for hours; she doesn’t. She also doesn’t want to spend an entire day hanging out with grandma. There’s a history that is too involved to get into, but DD hasn’t enjoyed 1:1 time with my mom for a while, but my mom still expects it. What DD is willing to do is to do things like have dinner with my mom 1:1, or with us, maybe do a short activity 1:1 (like visiting a museum for a couple hours) and then coming home. But my mom still thinks she’s this 8yo who is eager to spend sunrise to sunset galavanting with grandma.

How do I help my mom embrace the new normal? Do you have some magical words I can use?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

[Anonymous]

Just let her express disappointment. I do. I don't defend teen or change plans. Just let it be.

[Anonymous]

Sorry mom I’m teaching my daughter to be selfish and abandon family relationships because she’s mature now. She will see you in heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

Only she’s acting like my 15yo is still a small child. It’s like a weird cognitive dissonance or something. And like I said in the OP, DD is willing to make time, just not entire days of time. My mom is taking this very personally, like she did something wrong ingress of DD just growing up and having her own life, too.

[Anonymous]

Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

Only she’s acting like my 15yo is still a small child. It’s like a weird cognitive dissonance or something. And like I said in the OP, DD is willing to make time, just not entire days of time. My mom is taking this very personally, like she did something wrong ingress of DD just growing up and having her own life, too.

I think it's like I said she's dealing with the idea of her own mortality. 15 years has gone by so fast so will the next with everyone aging including her and unlike with you she sees how she might not be around. nothing for you to fix or lecture her about or make her understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

Only she’s acting like my 15yo is still a small child. It’s like a weird cognitive dissonance or something. And like I said in the OP, DD is willing to make time, just not entire days of time. My mom is taking this very personally, like she did something wrong ingress of DD just growing up and having her own life, too.

I think it's like I said she's dealing with the idea of her own mortality. 15 years has gone by so fast so will the next with everyone aging including her and unlike with you she sees how she might not be around. nothing for you to fix or lecture her about or make her understand

Ah, gotcha. I understand.

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling with this as a parent of a new 13yo. I want her to be the child she was sometimes and it’s hard letting that go.

Also, DD is similar to yours with my in-laws. Ok to have dinner with them
Or short activity but doesnt want to do sleepover and all day with them. They’re not active at all and it’s just boring.
I think what your DD is offering is fine. Your mom csn either accept it and enjoy that time. Or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry mom I’m teaching my daughter to be selfish and abandon family relationships because she’s mature now. She will see you in heaven.

They don’t let snarky people in heaven so you’re in trouuuuble

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

Only she’s acting like my 15yo is still a small child. It’s like a weird cognitive dissonance or something. And like I said in the OP, DD is willing to make time, just not entire days of time. My mom is taking this very personally, like she did something wrong ingress of DD just growing up and having her own life, too.

I think it's like I said she's dealing with the idea of her own mortality. 15 years has gone by so fast so will the next with everyone aging including her and unlike with you she sees how she might not be around. nothing for you to fix or lecture her about or make her understand

I agree with this. But there's not much you can do. If she takes it personally, I'd just say "it's not you, it's teens." and leave it. Either she gets over it and DD spends some time with her, or she continues being annoying and pushes her away further. Her choice.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this to our two kids.
Blamed my husband and I.

We in turn shared w our kids to at very least text- call - visit at least once a month. Still not enough.

Super suffocating and fake as my mother was a horrible parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother did this to our two kids.
Blamed my husband and I.

We in turn shared w our kids to at very least text- call - visit at least once a month. Still not enough.

Super suffocating and fake as my mother was a horrible parent

I similarly didn’t have the best parents growing up and didn’t/don’t have the best relationship with my parents, so it’s not hard for me to understand why my kids aren’t super close with them, either. Why would I force my kids to spend time with someone I don’t even like spending time with? Just because someone is blood, doesn’t immediate make them a quality person.

[Anonymous]

What does your mom say? Maybe we can help craft some apt responses for you.

It’s tough but your mom has to let go of the kid version of her granddaughter. Is your DD her only grandchild?