How to help grandma understand relationship with teen is different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Always start with the yes. And be proactive. Instead of waiting for an invitation that DD will decline, offer something up. “Grandma, do you want to go to brunch on Sunday with DD and me?” or “Carly would love to see the new exhibit at the gallery - would you like to take her, maybe 5-7 pm?” Etc. Offer up specific times. If she does invite DD, then give the yes first. “Carly would love to attend! She isn’t free the whole afternoon but can come for a couple hours, then I’ll pick her up. She is looking forward to it!” Etc.

This doesn't work well. The activity has to have grandma initiate it and be about her especially for a grandma like this. Also though because the needs of the elderly increase.

[Anonymous]

You have to focus on the time you do get together and cherish that time and have it be positive and loving. It’s about quality. And ime people who focus on this rather than guilt constantly end up getting more time bc it feels like a pleasure and not an obligation. As a young woman dating my dh I LOVED going to his grandparents for brunch, genuinely. I want to be that way with my grandkids and as an older woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't need your help. She raised you she knows how teens are. Though maybe she insisted you spend time with your grandma or maybe she didn't and now wishes she insisted more on nurturing that relationship.
Anyway she likely knows how teens and young adults are but knows that unlike with you especially with her medical issues she won't have until they are mid 30s and want to know the family again.

Only she’s acting like my 15yo is still a small child. It’s like a weird cognitive dissonance or something. And like I said in the OP, DD is willing to make time, just not entire days of time. My mom is taking this very personally, like she did something wrong ingress of DD just growing up and having her own life, too.

I wouldn't let my children prioritize friendships (people she sees every single day) over half a day with her grandmother who is likely to die soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Depends if grandma is untreated or not. Too many mentally ill old people don't take care of their mental illness and then spread their toxicity around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to focus on the time you do get together and cherish that time and have it be positive and loving. It’s about quality. And ime people who focus on this rather than guilt constantly end up getting more time bc it feels like a pleasure and not an obligation. As a young woman dating my dh I LOVED going to his grandparents for brunch, genuinely. I want to be that way with my grandkids and as an older woman.

so be nice and enjoyable to be around and back off when it's appropriate.

old people can be great to spend time with... entitled old people who want to smother people with "affection" because they're self-absorbed are not. and eff them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry mom I’m teaching my daughter to be selfish and abandon family relationships because she’s mature now. She will see you in heaven.

What a stupid post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to focus on the time you do get together and cherish that time and have it be positive and loving. It’s about quality. And ime people who focus on this rather than guilt constantly end up getting more time bc it feels like a pleasure and not an obligation. As a young woman dating my dh I LOVED going to his grandparents for brunch, genuinely. I want to be that way with my grandkids and as an older woman.

As a child did you want to spend half a day with your grandma being treated like you were 8 as a teenager?

[Anonymous]

And not once in a blue moon but regularly?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have to understand. It's not your responsibility to lead her down the path of knowledge. All of the things you noted about what your daughter is willing to do are fine -plans those. Don't give another thought to trying to make your mom, a grown women, understand something that is quite simply not that hard to fathom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have to understand. It's not your responsibility to lead her down the path of knowledge. All of the things you noted about what your daughter is willing to do are fine -plans those. Don't give another thought to trying to make your mom, a grown women, understand something that is quite simply not that hard to fathom.

yup

and if she's so self-absorbed she can't figure it out, maybe it's time for OP to re-evaluate how much time SHE spends with the old bat.