How to help grandma understand relationship with teen is different?

[Anonymous]

My mom is this way with our now-teen boys. Where they once loved to go spend the day being spoiled by grandma, now they would rather be with friends. They have no issue having family dinner with grandma, or visiting with her when she comes over, they don’t want to spend all day following her around. She still asks if they want to “come for the day” and tries to sweeten the pot with promises of pizza and ice cream, but they can buy their own pizza and ice cream. Their relationship is that of an adult relationship now.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't remember how teens are, you can gently remind her and then let it go. Stay calm and simply respect your teens boundaries. You can validate grandma's sadness that the peer group is more important to her right now, but you cannot fix anything or force grandma to understand after you have already gently explained. Some people become more self-centered with age and cannot empathize as much. The sad thing is that will push away the teen more. If grandma were excited she her grandchild was enjoying this stage of life with peers then her grandchild might want to hangout more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Unrelated to Grandma, but be careful about creating a world/expectations for your daughter where everything else takes priority over family (including her parents). Not only does this not lead to happiness, but the next generation is not forming families because we have communicated that SCHOOL! FUN! TRAVEL! take priority over the really meaningful things in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Lol - please. It's not on kids to pretzel themselves because adults can't handle their growing up. I was very close with my grandma growing up and we stayed close in part because she adjusted as I grew up. She learned what my interests were as a teen, didn't demand undivided attention, etc. We kept up a strong correspondence during college because I knew she was happy for me to be me.

Healthy relationships are mutual. OP, IME there aren't any magic words in this case. It may well be hard for your mom to adjust and while that's typical, it's not your job (or your DD's) to solve. It sounds like you're putting in reasonable effort and that's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry mom I’m teaching my daughter to be selfish and abandon family relationships because she’s mature now. She will see you in heaven.

A) heaven isn't real, nobody will see anyone anywhere

B) it's not selfish or abandoning, you're allowed to have your own life

grandma should be happy that her granddaughter is growing up and thriving, the selfish old bag should get over herself and stop imagining everything stops and starts with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

Grandma was part of the ME generation and it's so visible whether it's the grandparents who want to spend their whole time just traveling around and not being with family or grandparents who insist on everything their way. Why can't grandma figure out a good time to see her family?

In other cultures grandmas are not putting themselves first. The whole support goes to younger generation, and the life revolves around children, because they are the future. Somehow here grandma is number 1 and who cares about anyone else. This idea that we should dance around the old generation on the account of everybody else is completely foreign to the rest of the world. I'm saying this as an immigrant. The eff grandma culture is the logical outcome of grandmas not willing to give up the reins.

I come from an old WASP family and I can say that the grandma obsessed culture ain't normal from our perspective either.

Yes, honor your elders, but no need to bend your whole life for them, especially if it means stunting your own development.

Grandmother should be supportive of her grandkids growing up, not thinking how she can get them to focus on her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Unrelated to Grandma, but be careful about creating a world/expectations for your daughter where everything else takes priority over family (including her parents). Not only does this not lead to happiness, but the next generation is not forming families because we have communicated that SCHOOL! FUN! TRAVEL! take priority over the really meaningful things in life.

Yeah, how dare girls be allowed to focus on themselves instead of popping out babies!!!

[Anonymous]

"she's 15 mom, this is how it is"

Then maybe suggest grandma can take her for a fancy dessert somewhere or get tickets to a play your DD would like. You can still do things together without needing to play mermaids in the pool all day. If grandma doesn't want to go those things, FINE. Drop the rope. "Yes I know she's growing up mom".

Guilt tripping a 15 year old might work here or there. But it won't lead to the relationship your mother wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Unrelated to Grandma, but be careful about creating a world/expectations for your daughter where everything else takes priority over family (including her parents). Not only does this not lead to happiness, but the next generation is not forming families because we have communicated that SCHOOL! FUN! TRAVEL! take priority over the really meaningful things in life.

why is it any of your concern if the next generation is having enough babies?

Also, maybe they aren't having babies because their family relationships are so toxic they don't want to reproduce them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD14 has done a lot of growing this past year. She’s made some really close friends, is active in activities at school, and is just “busy”. We definitely prioritize her social life and believe we would be remiss not to, since the whole point of growing up is learning to branch out and leave home. In a few short months when she turns 15, she will also have a little job as well. Even as her parents, we are learning to embrace this new relationship. She’s off at school or with friends more than she’s home, but we cherish the time we spend with her, understanding she’s growing up and this is our new normal. In just three years, she will move out to college.

But grandma, my mom, is having a really hard time with this and taking it personally. We didn’t see my mom a lot this past year and a half due to frequent medical issues for her and rotating sickness for us, and so DD went from a more childlike 13yo to the more matured almost 15yo she is now. My mom lives in a retirement community with a pool and still thinks DD wants to come and swim like a fish for hours; she doesn’t. She also doesn’t want to spend an entire day hanging out with grandma. There’s a history that is too involved to get into, but DD hasn’t enjoyed 1:1 time with my mom for a while, but my mom still expects it. What DD is willing to do is to do things like have dinner with my mom 1:1, or with us, maybe do a short activity 1:1 (like visiting a museum for a couple hours) and then coming home. But my mom still thinks she’s this 8yo who is eager to spend sunrise to sunset galavanting with grandma.

How do I help my mom embrace the new normal? Do you have some magical words I can use?

Let me guess, you mom is a bit of a narcissist and thinks everyone and everything revolves around her? You probably got similar treatment and have been accomodating her w/o realizing it

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what and how your mother is reacting. You can't "make her see" or "make her understand". Does she call and complain to you? Does she say things to you daughter? Does she refuse activities that are offered?

In the absence of knowing what she is doing, you just have to be less sensitive to whatever she is doing and be easy breezy, "oh mom, you know teenagers are busy." "you know how it is" "I'm glad she's building friendships, it's so fun to see her spreading her wings!" etc etc.

[Anonymous]

My local ILs continue to harangue DD24 about coming over and visiting them. It’s stressful for her. They don’t seem to understand that she is a fully fledged adult with a new career and an active social life.

DD has kept her distance from them because they felt free to openly criticize and give their unsolicited opinions to her all through her teen years. Has been in therapy to deal with their demands and create boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My MIL previously wanted a family dinner 1x week (and it was too much for me). We went through this transition which MIL handled pretty well- the key is they are connected, make their own plans and plan for something they both enjoy. We might have a family dinner once a month now (although at that age it was more like 2x/month).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My MIL previously wanted a family dinner 1x week (and it was too much for me). We went through this transition which MIL handled pretty well- the key is they are connected, make their own plans and plan for something they both enjoy. We might have a family dinner once a month now (although at that age it was more like 2x/month).

PP- also now dd is a senior and the past couple years when we travel for other dc's sport sometimes dd will want to go spend the night at grandma and grandpas. It's very sweet and not forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't like this anti family culture being fostered by millennial / genx parents. The question should be how do I encourage my teens to still make time for their grandma while encouraging their developing independence.

This eff off grandma culture is really not normal. For us much as DCUM likes to pretend to be cosmopolitan and preaches modeling our home life after other cultures they ignore that in most of the world these intergenerational bonds are vital.

OP here and this is literally what I’m asking: how do I make grandma understand that as DD grows and has commitments and a job, that their relationship has to change. I also clearly said DD is happy to do things, just not all day long like in the past. The hierarchy is changing and is now school, job, friends, nuclear family, extended family. She can only be spread so thin. We’ve embraced it and found a new normal, so how do I help my mom understand this?

Always start with the yes. And be proactive. Instead of waiting for an invitation that DD will decline, offer something up. “Grandma, do you want to go to brunch on Sunday with DD and me?” or “Carly would love to see the new exhibit at the gallery - would you like to take her, maybe 5-7 pm?” Etc. Offer up specific times. If she does invite DD, then give the yes first. “Carly would love to attend! She isn’t free the whole afternoon but can come for a couple hours, then I’ll pick her up. She is looking forward to it!” Etc.