I'm not even sure what my question is, but I'm sure you all will have something to share. Wife overspending

[Anonymous]

We used to make about $375K a year. Had kids. Wife stayed home and lost her like $60K income. She never went back. Kids are 18 and 16. My work slowed and took a pay cut. We are now at about $210K a year. When things were good, I maxed out everything. Our home is paid off and worth about $900K. We have about 2.5M in investments(retirement and investment accounts). I'm 53. She's 49. My wife has NOT realized or acted like our HHI went for $375 to $210K. We over spend every.single.month but she just wants to take it out of our savings/investments. Although we have about $3.5M in total assets, we spend more than we bring in every single month. She thinks its fine. I'm like...we are not selling stock to pay for monthly expenses! How do I change her attitude? This is crazy. I know we have some assets but if we are to retire in a few years, she needs to cut the crap! Luckily the stock market has been doing well and making up for her spending but now that the marker is crazy...I'm very nervous. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to make about $375K a year. Had kids. Wife stayed home and lost her like $60K income. She never went back. Kids are 18 and 16. My work slowed and took a pay cut. We are now at about $210K a year. When things were good, I maxed out everything. Our home is paid off and worth about $900K. We have about 2.5M in investments(retirement and investment accounts). I'm 53. She's 49. My wife has NOT realized or acted like our HHI went for $375 to $210K. We over spend every.single.month but she just wants to take it out of our savings/investments. Although we have about $3.5M in total assets, we spend more than we bring in every single month. She thinks its fine. I'm like...we are not selling stock to pay for monthly expenses! How do I change her attitude? This is crazy. I know we have some assets but if we are to retire in a few years, she needs to cut the crap! Luckily the stock market has been doing well and making up for her spending but now that the marker is crazy...I'm very nervous. Any thoughts?

How do you change her attitude? You can’t. She just no longer gets to make independent money decisions. She just gets a debit card loaded every week with the amount you two have budgeted for groceries, gas, etc.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask a question?

Why is the line spending money from your investments? Why isn’t it spending over some other number based on your goals?

I guess what I mean is, it sounds likef you have a personal rule of thumb that you don’t spend more than your w2 income. Spending from your investments feels like a bad move to you. But maybe it would help to articulate why.

Money is fungible, right? Your portfolio isn’t all stocks, are you really having to sell something each month? Or is it cash from interest/dividends/etc? If so, why is spending that “bad” but spending from your paycheck is okay?

I’m not saying there’s not an answer, I’m just saying go ahead and spell it out. If you’re setting a spending target, make a case for it beyond just the source of the cash.

[Anonymous]

You've got to sit her down and explain that 3.5M doesn't go a long way these days. This IS a hill to die on, because money is the most important long-term factor of happiness, all other things being equal. It's truly not belt-tightening you're asking her to do, given your middle class income. It's just a little awareness of how she spends.

Perhaps she doesn't know how to cut back, so you should help her budget: she needs to keep receipts for 3 months, and see where the money is going. I bet some of it are subscriptions she doesn't even use - I made that mistake. I bet there's a lot of food waste in your house, and she's buying crap she doesn't need and wouldn't miss, they've just become a habit. She can break all those habits, and not make herself depressed.

Please insist, firmly but gently. In the end, this isn't going to be negotiable, but she needs to feel she has agency.

[Anonymous]

Go to a financial advisor and have them explain it to her. She will listen to a professional over her husband who she perceives as cheap and no fun.

[Anonymous]

Yawn. Search the hundreds (thousands?) of previous topics on this same subject. You’ll find plenty of opinions there.

[Anonymous]

I would start with a tool like monarch money that lays out very clearly your income and outgo. Something like that will make it easy to show her that your spending is outpacing your income. You can categorize each expense and see where the money is going.

Without a mortgage, it’s hard for me to imagine where all your money is going, but you need to be able to lay it out in black and white for her to see it.

[Anonymous]

Does your wife actually know what your financial picture is? The two of you need to have a sit down and go over the reduced HHI and what it means, with the help of a financial analyst if necessary.

[Anonymous]

You just have to make more money.

[Anonymous]

Who pays the bills in the house? I suspect it is you. I think paying bills makes one acutely aware of when you are overspending. Do you have a budget and do you track it? Where is college tuition coming from? I am a numbers girl so a budget is key.

[Anonymous]

What is she buying? Is she low on dopamine?
Why is she not going back to work?
Give her $1000 a month to spend on whatever and that's it. You surely can afford that like forever and the investments will continue to grow.

[Anonymous]

You have to sit her down. Sorry OP, it sucks.

She should be more mature.

[Anonymous]

1-2% a year from non-retirement assets is certainly doable. Even 3% is safe.

[Anonymous]

What are you guys spending on? I don't see how you can blame your wife when you're not describing what the costs are. Some of them might be agreed upon kid expenses that last until the end of the season, etc.

[Anonymous]

sounds like she is bored and spending keeps her busy. She needs to find something else to fill the void in her life. It's actually not a money issue but a what to do with your time/life issue.