Unsupportive sibling

[Anonymous]

A lot of different issue here.

This was a planned family thing so she should have been made to get up and go and in the future went here's a planned family outing, no going out with friends the night before if she's not going to be able to keep that commitment. Do your best to make these family things something both will enjoy exception is birthday- then birthday child gets to pick

The other stuff I think you need to relax a bit they don't have to go to all of each others events. But at least 1 or 2 big things a year because family supports each other period.

You also need to have a chat with your younger one that sister may not always want to do things with her all the time anymore. And that's okay.

Lastly you have a DH problem because he should have backed you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

Why are you making this into a “keeping your younger sister company” type of thing? If you put it that way, I can see why there is resistance, TBH.

Just tell DD she is required to come on the outing to spend time with family & leave it at that. Also I don’t see what DD’s plans from yesterday have to do with it.

At some ages (especially around middle school age), 1-2 grades apart can seem particularly significant in terms of mindset, interests etc. and that is very normal.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you take the younger dd and her friend? You don't say the ages, but by 9 and 11 I stopped making my kids play together. I plan separate play opportunities for my kids. They do go to each other's concerts and championship games.

[Anonymous]

Plan outings as family outings (not to keep each other company) and make sure both girls have one on one time with friends. They don't have to go to each other's games, recitals, etc... at this age unless you are short for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Your first problem is allowing a child to dictate family plans. You are the parent. If you say you're leaving at 10 AM that's when you leave. She can sleep in the car.
The only person you should be mad at is yourself.

[Anonymous]

If you want a family event, then you make your kid get up.

But quit styling this as “older sister must by younger sister’s playmate.” If your younger child struggles with friends, work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

Your first mistake was allowing her to stay in bed WTH is wrong with you ?

Get a cold bucket of water and poor it on her head next time. I’m not joking . She doesn’t make the rules you do

She’s not allowed to have a phone anymore she’s not allowed to be with friends she lost those privileges the day she decided to be a pos


This is your fault .


You raised a twat bratty spoiled human
Time to fix that
She gets no privileges from you until she realizes she’s part of a family that treats each other with respect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

Your first mistake was allowing her to stay in bed WTH is wrong with you ?

Get a cold bucket of water and poor it on her head next time. I’m not joking . She doesn’t make the rules you do

She’s not allowed to have a phone anymore she’s not allowed to be with friends she lost those privileges the day she decided to be a pos


This is your fault .


You raised a twat bratty spoiled human
Time to fix that
She gets no privileges from you until she realizes she’s part of a family that treats each other with respect

You sound like a pretty skanky human

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd make it less about the sibling and more about the family. E.g. "Sunday we are going to spend the afternoon going at the trampoline park," not, "Larla really wants you to go on the trampoline park. Will you go? Why not? Why aren't you being supportive of your sister?"

But also, pick and choose your battles. It's fine to require family time, but know that it may feel like a burden to one or more family members. Is it worth the cost?

+1. Set it up as family expectations, not to be there so younger DD isn’t bored. We plan family events ahead of time and they need to be there for them. In addition, each kid has to make it to at least one game a season for their sibling. Anything more is optional. Rare events like recitals, if the sibling doesn’t have a conflict (that is not just practice), they need to attend.

Beyond that, we don’t force them to spend time together. But, there are times when we say no screens, and then they do find something to do together, even though we don’t tell them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

I like a PP's advice about focusing on it being a family thing instead and if DD can't handle social activities the day before a family plan, then she'll have to limit those.

I do make my older DCs attend their younger sibling's concerts. Lots of older siblings are there, so it seems to be the norm. I do make it easier for them by taking two cars, so they don't have to be there early and can leave as soon as younger sibling is done.

[Anonymous]

Why dont you help your younger daughter with making friends of her own. That skill will serve her better than trying to force her sibling to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Encourage (force) her to go. She needs to learn work-life balance. Family is always a priority, and mutual support should always be encouraged. When she wants to be with her friends the night before, she may do so with the understanding that the next morning at 9am, there is a family outing to XYZ that she will attend.

[Anonymous]

Your older daughter needs to learn to show up for people who matter even if she doesn't feel like it and your younger daughter needs to learn to be her own person and that she can't throw away a good day over one person.

I would have told the older daughter that due to this behavior, she is no longer allowed to go out with friends the day before a family activity since she can't seem to handle both... And I would have made your younger daughter go without the older one and show her that she could still have a good time even when someone has let her down.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the suggestions. I will tell older DD what you all have said and that if she cannot handle going out with family after a friends hang out, she would have to skip them.

What bothered me most was there was absolutely no regret from older DD when she came down at 3:30 and she acted as if everything was fine.

To the PP who mentioned doing outings with just younger one, yes, I have done that a few times when older one refused to come. I guess thats why I got pissed at older DD since it is becoming a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

It wasn’t attending an event, it was going to a place to have fun. It was selfish of her not to consider her sister’s feelings. She could have slept in the car even though it was already noon. I can understand not going everywhere with her sister but she should have been able to understand that her sister didn’t want to play alone.