Sleepover Dilemma

[Anonymous]

DD12 wouldn’t spend the night anywhere but home until just this year when she started spending the night with her friends, and now they do sleepovers quite often, alternating houses. My mom inadvertently found out when DD let it slip, and now my mom has been chomping at the bit for DD to “finally” spend the night at her house. DD isn’t comfortable with that, for a variety of reasons but mainly that my mom isn’t the easiest person to spend lengths of time with. I keep making excuses but she keeps saying she’s “hurt” that DD will spend the night with friends but not her own grandma. I can’t do this for the next six years; something final needs to be said. How do you tell someone that their home isn’t a welcoming or comforting place and it’s likely DD will never want to spend the night there with you?

[Anonymous]

I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

OP here. I definitely agree, but so far, that hasn’t satisfied her. Maybe there will be no satisfying her and I just need to accept that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

OP here. I definitely agree, but so far, that hasn’t satisfied her. Maybe there will be no satisfying her and I just need to accept that.

Yup.

I think you may have come to the correct conclusion faster than any DCUM poster on record.

[Anonymous]

Agree to stop engaging in the back and forth with her. Also, don’t ask your daughter to keep things secret. She shouldn’t have to worry about letting something “slip.” If you just don’t want to get your mom’s input, be an adult and tell her. You will all be ok if she is mad or hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to stop engaging in the back and forth with her. Also, don’t ask your daughter to keep things secret. She shouldn’t have to worry about letting something “slip.” If you just don’t want to get your mom’s input, be an adult and tell her. You will all be ok if she is mad or hurt.

We weren’t actively keeping it a secret, but I know someone would say “you’re telling grandma too much” and we weren’t, I just wanted to be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

OP here. I definitely agree, but so far, that hasn’t satisfied her. Maybe there will be no satisfying her and I just need to accept that.

Yup.

I think you may have come to the correct conclusion faster than any DCUM poster on record.

Ha! Maybe I just needed to say it out loud.

[Anonymous]

It's not your job or your daughter's to manage your mom's hurt feelings.

I also don't think you need to go out of your to be hurtful ie telling her dd never wants to sleepover before she hates her house. You aren't at that stage yet so you don't fully get it but your mom likely has dreams of Grandma sleepovers .

Is there anything that would make sleepovers with Grandma okay for your daughter. Like if there were a list of activities she could suggest and it would be more fun or is it other issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job or your daughter's to manage your mom's hurt feelings.

I also don't think you need to go out of your to be hurtful ie telling her dd never wants to sleepover before she hates her house. You aren't at that stage yet so you don't fully get it but your mom likely has dreams of Grandma sleepovers .

Is there anything that would make sleepovers with Grandma okay for your daughter. Like if there were a list of activities she could suggest and it would be more fun or is it other issue.

Ugh - it is not the OP or her daughter’s job to appease grandma dream of a sleepover. No means no. Honesty, it’s a little creepy that grandma is pushing so hard for this.

[Anonymous]

Meh. I think your daughter is being a bit difficult. What's so bad about grandma? It sounds like you've indulged her a bit too much. If she's good with friends, she should be ok with Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Just send her for one night- life is full of things we don’t love. Best to learn that lesson young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD12 wouldn’t spend the night anywhere but home until just this year when she started spending the night with her friends, and now they do sleepovers quite often, alternating houses. My mom inadvertently found out when DD let it slip, and now my mom has been chomping at the bit for DD to “finally” spend the night at her house. DD isn’t comfortable with that, for a variety of reasons but mainly that my mom isn’t the easiest person to spend lengths of time with. I keep making excuses but she keeps saying she’s “hurt” that DD will spend the night with friends but not her own grandma. I can’t do this for the next six years; something final needs to be said. How do you tell someone that their home isn’t a welcoming or comforting place and it’s likely DD will never want to spend the night there with you?

It’s champing at the bit, not chomping at the bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

OP here. I definitely agree, but so far, that hasn’t satisfied her. Maybe there will be no satisfying her and I just need to accept that.

You accept it AND defend your daughter. "It's different with her friends Mom, I'm sorry but she's not interested in spending the night with you. Please stop pressuring her and enjoy the time you do spend together."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a grown adult should understand "It’s different with friends her own age."

OP here. I definitely agree, but so far, that hasn’t satisfied her. Maybe there will be no satisfying her and I just need to accept that.

Bingo! It’s not your obligation to satisfy her or force your daughter to give in to her demands. Just keep saying no. If she rudely stamps her feet, pouts, hisses or whatever hang up or leave. If she’s in your house tell her calmly and directly she needs to stop it or it’s time to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just send her for one night- life is full of things we don’t love. Best to learn that lesson young.

No way! Stop trying to turn girls into people pleasers!