Are there any other parents like us?
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Anonymous
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DH and I are educated professionals. We both have careers we're passionate about and have found nice, balanced niches in typically intense fields (think finance, law, etc). We like travel, great food, arts & culture, hosting other families, and great discussions about deep issues. We love trying new activities and going new places.
It seems like literally everyone else in our cohort (i.e. people we work with or went to school with) are organizing their lives around sending their children to "top" schools (usually private), helping them become achievement machines, and networking with other families in those schools. They do sometimes complain about the admissions processes, how expensive everything is, how the schools expect extra time and money beyond the crazy tuition, how annoying it is to keep carting the kids around to their activities. But they would never consider living any other way. We feel very strongly that the point of education is not to reinforce socioeconomic inequality or fight for your kids at the expense of others. Rather, the point is for all kinds of kids to go to school together. Thus, we go to a regular public school even though we could afford private or an exclusive school district. We're also balanced on activities - nothing too intensive or expensive, and kids have time to play outside, help out at home, etc. People are polite about it but clearly think we are weird and/or wrong. We also try to be polite about their choices, but also feel strongly that they are stupid - (a) because education should not be used as a tool to get your kids "ahead" and (b) even setting that aside, elite pressure cooker environments are not good for kids' mental health. It feels like we can never have real relationships with people like us because we are diametrically opposed on such an important issue. We're not picking fights with anyone about it, but the friendships remain more distant because this kid achievement treadmill seems like such a central part of everyone's identities. Meanwhile, the families we meet through our school really don't have much in common with us. They can't afford to do the kinds of activities we enjoy doing, they aren't into the same things, and again, we're polite, we hang out, but there isn't a deep connection because we're too different. (I feel like they also believe that the intense "top" schools are better, and probably would go there if they could afford it.) We are not very liberal and actually really don't like woke culture, because it's a lot of pointless posturing. We thought a lot of the anti-racism movement was focused on symbolic gestures and overfocus on race at the expense of actually tackling the root issues of economic inequality. Our politics are more centrist and common sense. So I'm not sure that virtue signaling white liberals are our people either. Is there anyone out there like us? Are we just doomed not to have any deep friendships? Why is it so weird for educated UMC families to just want a regular childhood for your kids playing with all kinds of different kids, being challenged but not overwhelmed, being happy, and not focusing on being the best or going to a "great" school? |
Anonymous
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There is already a thread about this
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/105/1273203.page#30141692 |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry you are too superior to be able to relate to the proletariat chaff you surround yourself with. My heart breaks for you. |
Anonymous
| I think there are a lot of parents that have similar views, although it’s harder to see because the most aggressive parents about positioning their children for advancement are the most visible. But I also think you sound pretty judgy about private school and may be rubbing people the wrong way. We sent our children to private, not to make them achievement machines, but because the education and opportunities for participating in various activities were vastly superior to those available in the overcrowded and strained public schools in our area. We’ve never judged those who made other choices—we know many—but I suspect from your post that you would not extend us the same courtesy. People can tell. |
Anonymous
| Wow I wish I could afford to hang out with you, to do the things that you do, so that I could have great discussions about deep issues &c |
Anonymous
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OP, I know exactly what you mean.
We are in the suburbs but the amount of moms living vicariously through their kids in the form of “activities” is wild. I get it - many didn’t have these opportunities and while they probably grew up in nice, normal families…they are utterly obsessed with having their kids activity schedule dictate everything. Every single class and extracurricular is intense and demanding and consuming. So here we are. My husband and I don’t quite fit in with that, but are in a neighborhood community/public school where we don’t otherwise have a ton in common with other parents. I get it. I really do. |
Anonymous
I was gonna say the same damned thing. We made plenty of money for private (Biglaw partner) but sent our kids to public. Most — all, actually — of our kids’ friends came from families who had far less money than us, but it was never an issue and we certainly never felt superior to them simply because we had more money. We fit right in. We also were never in a situation where we felt “judged“ by private school parents because we simply didn’t mix with them. This is an OP problem. OP needs to look inward. |
Anonymous
| You sound truly insufferable. That is the real issue here. |
Anonymous
It really and truly is. |
Anonymous
| Do people have to be exactly like you to have real relationships? I mean we have friends who are super devoted to travel sports and I think it is sort of silly but that's their choice. And I guess they talk about it a lot but we also talk about lots of other things. |
Anonymous
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You need to tell us how old your kids are, OP. Are they 5 and 7 or 15 and 17?
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Anonymous
| No, OP. There are no others as unique and special as you. |
Anonymous
THANK YOU. Goddamn, that first paragraph, OP. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I wondered this too because I'm confused why OP is surrounded by all these private-school parents if she has chosen to live in this apparently poor-ish school district and sends her kids to the corresponding public school. That's your cohort now. I'd say maybe you're bumping into them at activities, but apparently you don't do activities. Why are you even talking about what your colleagues are doing or what "people you went to school with" are doing? Those are not your current potential pool of new parent friends to meet. Surely you can find activities that the "poors" you've chosen to surround yourself can do too? Isn't sitting around and having a "deep conversation" free? |
Anonymous
| Ugh. You sound awful! |