Feels like partner is struggling with postpartum

[Anonymous]

Is it normal for the male partner to struggle with the postpartum period? My fiance and I got pregnant accidentally, and he was 1000% committed to keeping the baby and staying together. I was the one who was questioning if we were ready and felt very much in a state of shock for the beginning of my pregnancy. Part of my fears/questions were allayed by how steady he always was and the fact that he seemed so certain that he wanted to do this together. Anyway, now we've had the baby and he just seems so overwhelmed. The baby is up crying quite a lot, and I know my partner is sleep deprived and a bit exhausted. But the other day he basically started crying and saying how he was "never sure" he wanted to be with me, and basically that he doesnt feel ready to be a dad and he feels like his life is over. I am resentful because I feel like he should have told me all of this months ago, and frankly shocked that he seems so unable to handle the changes of having a child. It's been hard on me as well, and I really want him to be my "rock", but it feels like he is kind of flailing out and cant function as well. I feel like he makes excuses to be out of the house or find other things to do to avoid the diaper changes and baby duties, and I am really starting to resent him. Is this a normal stage of relationships?

[Anonymous]

No. He probably is pro life or feels he had to step up for the pregnancy but you were not who he would have chosen for a life partner or mother of his children.
He is trapped.
Let him go free and coparent and cosupport the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. He probably is pro life or feels he had to step up for the pregnancy but you were not who he would have chosen for a life partner or mother of his children.
He is trapped.
Let him go free and coparent and cosupport the child.

He's not pro-life or religious whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. He probably is pro life or feels he had to step up for the pregnancy but you were not who he would have chosen for a life partner or mother of his children.
He is trapped.
Let him go free and coparent and cosupport the child.

NP. He is not a stray cat.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations Op!
Maybe he was trying too hard and finally had a meltdown, that is okay.
But I would not get married or have another kid with him!

[Anonymous]

This isn't really normal. You can suggest counseling but you can't make him stay. However, if he bails it is important to protect yourself and your kid by getting a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Men want kids the way kids want a dog. Now the puppy is peeing on the rug and chewing his shoes and he realizes he never really wanted this. He wanted control of your body and took away your choice. I’d honestly be expecting him to bounce soon. He doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t want to have a child. He’s going to take off.

[Anonymous]

How long were you two together prior to the pregnancy? How old are both of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: But the other day he basically started crying and saying how he was "never sure" he wanted to be with me, and basically that he doesnt feel ready to be a dad and he feels like his life is over.

This particularly sounds like the sleep exhaustion talking to me. As my spouse once said to me, there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: But the other day he basically started crying and saying how he was "never sure" he wanted to be with me, and basically that he doesnt feel ready to be a dad and he feels like his life is over.

This particularly sounds like the sleep exhaustion talking to me. As my spouse once said to me, there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, men can get upset about babies, even very much wanted babies.

My husband was quite distressed by the colicky early months of our two very much wanted babies. 10+ years after we got married. We talked about it a few times. For about two to three months in early baby hood, the babies made him very upset when they were in full shriek mode.

He still was an equal parent and cared for them during their witching hours. But he was good at intellectually rationalizing that there was no way out but through.

I realize this is very hard for you but I think you are best placed to offer assists to your partner.

Can you get a family helper or someone paid to assist you so that he can take a quiet weekend somewhere restorative? Could be just a trip to his parents' house or a motel near a state forest. Just somewhere where he can get a couple nights of sleep and quiet and a chance to think? Or can you take the baby for a weekend to somewhere (road trip with a friend who likes babies), so you get the trip?

Don't make it a stomp-off or walkout. Just give some space.

Sometimes when people in my family, including me, are feeling deeply sad (when nothing is terribly wrong), I realize that it's sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation does very odd things to mood.

This is a fragile time. But don't underestimate the value of bending a little to avoid a break.

Babies go through phases so quickly. Please also tell your partner that things will be much different by age 2. A mature person should be able to stick it out for 2 years at least to see how things are at the end.

If you can schedule recrimination-free "date night" activities while your baby is still young, I would recommend that. My husband and I did not do enough in the early years to strengthen our 1:1 time. If I could do it over, I would have invested in finding a babysitter even if it was quite costly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men can get upset about babies, even very much wanted babies.

My husband was quite distressed by the colicky early months of our two very much wanted babies. 10+ years after we got married. We talked about it a few times. For about two to three months in early baby hood, the babies made him very upset when they were in full shriek mode.

He still was an equal parent and cared for them during their witching hours. But he was good at intellectually rationalizing that there was no way out but through.

I realize this is very hard for you but I think you are best placed to offer assists to your partner.

Can you get a family helper or someone paid to assist you so that he can take a quiet weekend somewhere restorative? Could be just a trip to his parents' house or a motel near a state forest. Just somewhere where he can get a couple nights of sleep and quiet and a chance to think? Or can you take the baby for a weekend to somewhere (road trip with a friend who likes babies), so you get the trip?

Don't make it a stomp-off or walkout. Just give some space.

Sometimes when people in my family, including me, are feeling deeply sad (when nothing is terribly wrong), I realize that it's sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation does very odd things to mood.

This is a fragile time. But don't underestimate the value of bending a little to avoid a break.

Babies go through phases so quickly. Please also tell your partner that things will be much different by age 2. A mature person should be able to stick it out for 2 years at least to see how things are at the end.

If you can schedule recrimination-free "date night" activities while your baby is still young, I would recommend that. My husband and I did not do enough in the early years to strengthen our 1:1 time. If I could do it over, I would have invested in finding a babysitter even if it was quite costly.

But why should OP coddle a grown man? Does she get to take off a weekend with friends?

[Anonymous]

Believe him when he says he was never sure you were the one he wanted to be with.
If he were a she they would get more sympathy.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want to live with you.
Child support is all he owes thh kid.
That baby might have been wanted but maybe not really in an informed way.
He is depressed and feels his life is over. What if he saw s therapist who said to leave you? I hope he does.
He tried his best to support you emotionally but he's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe him when he says he was never sure you were the one he wanted to be with.
If he were a she they would get more sympathy.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want to live with you.
Child support is all he owes thh kid.
That baby might have been wanted but maybe not really in an informed way.
He is depressed and feels his life is over. What if he saw s therapist who said to leave you? I hope he does.
He tried his best to support you emotionally but he's done.

Why not get a life instead of trolling the postpartum forum, hmmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe him when he says he was never sure you were the one he wanted to be with.
If he were a she they would get more sympathy.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want to live with you.
Child support is all he owes thh kid.
That baby might have been wanted but maybe not really in an informed way.
He is depressed and feels his life is over. What if he saw s therapist who said to leave you? I hope he does.
He tried his best to support you emotionally but he's done.

+1