Feels like partner is struggling with postpartum

[Anonymous]

Sorry this isn’t normal. Plenty of men struggle with newborns but it’s more about how tired they are or the house is a mess or they can’t go out with friends like the couple had prior. Men aren’t questioning their wives postpartum! If someone said that to me I’d be gone, especially since you aren’t married. I’ve been married 15 years (still have a 2 year old so def remember postpartum) and we’ve never questioned our marriage or each other. That’s what you do before marriage and before kids.

I think you both need to really focus on your relationship and whether it’s what you both want. I also feel like if you both wanted to be married, you would be. Babies are a bigger commitment than marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men can get upset about babies, even very much wanted babies.

My husband was quite distressed by the colicky early months of our two very much wanted babies. 10+ years after we got married. We talked about it a few times. For about two to three months in early baby hood, the babies made him very upset when they were in full shriek mode.

He still was an equal parent and cared for them during their witching hours. But he was good at intellectually rationalizing that there was no way out but through.

I realize this is very hard for you but I think you are best placed to offer assists to your partner.

Can you get a family helper or someone paid to assist you so that he can take a quiet weekend somewhere restorative? Could be just a trip to his parents' house or a motel near a state forest. Just somewhere where he can get a couple nights of sleep and quiet and a chance to think? Or can you take the baby for a weekend to somewhere (road trip with a friend who likes babies), so you get the trip?

Don't make it a stomp-off or walkout. Just give some space.

Sometimes when people in my family, including me, are feeling deeply sad (when nothing is terribly wrong), I realize that it's sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation does very odd things to mood.

This is a fragile time. But don't underestimate the value of bending a little to avoid a break.

Babies go through phases so quickly. Please also tell your partner that things will be much different by age 2. A mature person should be able to stick it out for 2 years at least to see how things are at the end.

If you can schedule recrimination-free "date night" activities while your baby is still young, I would recommend that. My husband and I did not do enough in the early years to strengthen our 1:1 time. If I could do it over, I would have invested in finding a babysitter even if it was quite costly.

But why should OP coddle a grown man? Does she get to take off a weekend with friends?

PP. I did say that OP could take the weekend away. I just know it can be harder to take a young baby on a trip away from home.

I am a woman. I believe that women are stronger and care more about their children than men. OP is the one looking for solutions. Therefore I expect her to be more likely to be the solution finder here.

You can get bent out of shape about gender equity issues or you can try to heal a young relationship and new family.

I have several friends who grew up in Soviet Russia without dads. There are a lot of demographic issues with men in that part of the world due to wars, poverty, and alcoholism. I'll never forget asking my dadless friend if he felt bad about not having a dad in his life since childhood. He
said he did not. His view was very firm that all you need in life is a mom. Of course that realistically could be a dad instead, but it's far more likely to be a mom anywhere in the world.

So, my point is that OP is the one seeking advice, so she's likely to be the solution finder. And not likely to be the one who bails.

[Anonymous]

Struggling during the postpartum period is completely normal. Its also normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and question everything. Try to give him patience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Struggling during the postpartum period is completely normal. Its also normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and question everything. Try to give him patience

100%

[Anonymous]

He's not willing to marry you, why would he be willing to be a Father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not willing to marry you, why would he be willing to be a Father?

NP. Are you truly too dumb to know what a fiance is?

[Anonymous]

OP were you engaged with a date set before the pregnancy? A ring? Talking about marriage and planning? Did he express excitement and hope about things you would do and your life? Did kids come up and when...in some years?
Or did he become your fiance when you told him you were pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s completely normal for men to also experience postpartum depression. Just google it, OP. Get him into therapy. You have enough to deal with on your own so it sucks. I know because my husband gets it. It’s worse with sleep deprivation so if you can hire a doula to get you both sleep, it will be worth the money for sure.

[Anonymous]

You are in the really hard part right now. It’s such a radical change and sleep deprivation makes people feel terrible.

Yes, if he can get some sleep that helps.

There is a French drama/comedy movie, “A Happy Event”, that I think you would relate to.

Do what you can to get help and preserve the relationship because it will get better. Infancy isn’t forever and children benefit from the stability that 2 parents provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men can get upset about babies, even very much wanted babies.

My husband was quite distressed by the colicky early months of our two very much wanted babies. 10+ years after we got married. We talked about it a few times. For about two to three months in early baby hood, the babies made him very upset when they were in full shriek mode.

He still was an equal parent and cared for them during their witching hours. But he was good at intellectually rationalizing that there was no way out but through.

I realize this is very hard for you but I think you are best placed to offer assists to your partner.

Can you get a family helper or someone paid to assist you so that he can take a quiet weekend somewhere restorative? Could be just a trip to his parents' house or a motel near a state forest. Just somewhere where he can get a couple nights of sleep and quiet and a chance to think? Or can you take the baby for a weekend to somewhere (road trip with a friend who likes babies), so you get the trip?

Don't make it a stomp-off or walkout. Just give some space.

Sometimes when people in my family, including me, are feeling deeply sad (when nothing is terribly wrong), I realize that it's sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation does very odd things to mood.

This is a fragile time. But don't underestimate the value of bending a little to avoid a break.

Babies go through phases so quickly. Please also tell your partner that things will be much different by age 2. A mature person should be able to stick it out for 2 years at least to see how things are at the end.

If you can schedule recrimination-free "date night" activities while your baby is still young, I would recommend that. My husband and I did not do enough in the early years to strengthen our 1:1 time. If I could do it over, I would have invested in finding a babysitter even if it was quite costly.

But why should OP coddle a grown man? Does she get to take off a weekend with friends?

Why are you assuming OP is female? I don’t see anywhere in this thread where OP identified their gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men can get upset about babies, even very much wanted babies.

My husband was quite distressed by the colicky early months of our two very much wanted babies. 10+ years after we got married. We talked about it a few times. For about two to three months in early baby hood, the babies made him very upset when they were in full shriek mode.

He still was an equal parent and cared for them during their witching hours. But he was good at intellectually rationalizing that there was no way out but through.

I realize this is very hard for you but I think you are best placed to offer assists to your partner.

Can you get a family helper or someone paid to assist you so that he can take a quiet weekend somewhere restorative? Could be just a trip to his parents' house or a motel near a state forest. Just somewhere where he can get a couple nights of sleep and quiet and a chance to think? Or can you take the baby for a weekend to somewhere (road trip with a friend who likes babies), so you get the trip?

Don't make it a stomp-off or walkout. Just give some space.

Sometimes when people in my family, including me, are feeling deeply sad (when nothing is terribly wrong), I realize that it's sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation does very odd things to mood.

This is a fragile time. But don't underestimate the value of bending a little to avoid a break.

Babies go through phases so quickly. Please also tell your partner that things will be much different by age 2. A mature person should be able to stick it out for 2 years at least to see how things are at the end.

If you can schedule recrimination-free "date night" activities while your baby is still young, I would recommend that. My husband and I did not do enough in the early years to strengthen our 1:1 time. If I could do it over, I would have invested in finding a babysitter even if it was quite costly.

But why should OP coddle a grown man? Does she get to take off a weekend with friends?

Why are you assuming OP is female? I don’t see anywhere in this thread where OP identified their gender.

Pretty obvious considering she just gave birth. Not really a brain teaser

[Anonymous]

Completely normal and standard. Men so often arent prepared for the emotions and stress that come with a newborn

[Anonymous]

Women go into postpartum already used to the idea of being a parent and responsible for a baby. Men don’t really adjust to the new reality until after baby is born, and they often don’t have a lot of knowledge of what to expect. Women expect it to be as awful as it is, but also know that it will change. See if you can get him a long block of sleep for a couple nights, and help him make friends with other men with young babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Struggling during the postpartum period is completely normal. Its also normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and question everything. Try to give him patience

100%

I mean, I felt like my life was over and so did my husband after we had our first, very much wanted child. My kids are older now and I still remember how jarring the transition was with the first one. It feels like it’s over, because it is. Your life as a carefree single adult is over. You’re now completely responsible for a helpless child 24-7 and yeah, that does stink, even if you wanted the child. You can mourn the loss of that life and find it hard to parent a newborn and still be a good parent. Sleep deprivation is complete and utter hell, and also makes monsters out of people, too.

Give him grace and time. You guys should be in therapy together if you want to make it work long term. The baby should not be the reason you stay together - and if you do want to do that, do it because you guys love each other. Don’t make the child the reason for your relationship, that’s unfair to everyone.