Lessons Learned

[Anonymous]

My mother lived with us the last 5 years of her life. It was not fun for any of us, even though we all got along before she moved in after a sudden turn for the worse in her health.

She is gone 3 months now, and I can share lessons learned.

First, even though it’s not fun to think about, before your parent becomes infirmed, have the discussion of what their wishes are. We avoided it because anytime we brought it up it would depress my mom. But because she had a sudden turn for the worse, she had to make an immediate decision: move in with us or go to a long term care facility.

She was very unhappy living with us, though she chose that option. Nothing pleased her. We thought she would be happy being around the children, but all she did was complain about the noise and snipe about our parenting. We thought she would enjoy going to senior activities and meeting people, but all she did was complain about everyone there. She caused marital discord for us, and the children said things like, “why does Nana hate us?”

She improved in health and we suggested we go and see assisted living since she was unhappy with us and could have more independence. She wouldn’t even visit.

I know many elderly people have depression and it’s not her fault. But it was her decision to not talk to a therapist, take medication, or make an effort.

I’m sorry she is gone, but I wish we had talked to her about all this when she was healthy and right in the head. Maybe it would have gone differently and the last years of her life might have been more positive for both her and the family.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for all you have been through. I did talk to my mom and sometimes it made her anxious and sometimes she assured me she would go to a nice AL and she said all the right things. None of it panned out. She became even more entitled, hostile, scared, anxious, controlling and manipulative and it wasn't dementia. I don't know if she did a bait and switch or when things finally happened she just suddenly decided I must divorce my entire family so I can cater to her. I never allowed her to move in and she made life Heck for us because nothing was enough. It really caused tremendous turmoil and stress.

My advice to others is figure out what you can handle and figure out your boundaries. If the parent is difficult, get used to accepting you can never please this person. You just try to do right by them within reasonable limits and you don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Don't move them in unless they are pleasant and kind. Do not think you can rescue them from their misery if they refuse help. Learn to detach with love the way you do with an alcoholic, except you do everything in your power to make sure they don't harm anyone else and are as safe as you get them within the law. When they still have cognitive capacity, they are allowed to make terrible and self destructive decisions and as long as they only put themselves at risk and not others, you can only do so much if they are stubborn.

My point with all this is, even if you did everything you suggest, you could have easily ended up in the same situation. They often have a change of heart once the time arrives.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is that you must not prioritize an older parent, however evil that sounds. You prioritize yourself, your children, your spouse, your work, and whatever that's left over, you give to your elder.

My MIL is patient and kind-hearted, and her oldest son, who lives near her and helps her with daily living and medical appointments, is generous and helpful. And yet he has become her target for constant criticism, because familiarity breeds contempt. They each complain about the other to anyone who will listen. My husband, who lives across the ocean on a different continent, manages her finances from afar and tops off what she lacks with our money... is treated as the golden child. It's unfair, and we can all see it!

I've learned my lesson just watching how she interacts with my oldest BIL. I will never welcome an in-law or parent into my home, ever. Even the most pleasant person can turn into a terror when they're old enough. And unfortunately, my parents, who don't yet need my help, are already way more difficult than she is...

There's no win-win here. The mission is to find the least worse win-lose, and try to avoid the lose-lose.

[Anonymous]

What a timely post. I opened this forum up because my 75 year old mother broke her leg last week and had surgery. I live 500 miles away and left my job as soon as I could to come be with her and my dad. She should have gone to a rehab hospital and I even begged her to stay in the hospital one more night until I could get there and help my dad get her in the house. But she insisted that she needed to go home that day, so my younger brother helped my dad get her in the house where she is stuck in her recliner 24/7. Even she admits that it almost killed my dad to get her up the steps into their house, but she doesn’t seem to have any remorse.

She can barely even stand up on her walker and pivot to use the commode that is now located in their living room. I’ve suggested they move into my house, which has a first floor living space and full bathroom with grab bars, and it would be much more convenient for her and my dad until she gets back on her feet (which, at her age and with osteoporosis is not likely to really even happen). Everything revolves around her, I’ve only been here 4 days and I can’t make her happy. They don’t have the finances for assisted living or even to downsize into a more accessible place. I’m torn, I get along well with my dad, and want to do this for him, but I think she might try to take us all down with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a timely post. I opened this forum up because my 75 year old mother broke her leg last week and had surgery. I live 500 miles away and left my job as soon as I could to come be with her and my dad. She should have gone to a rehab hospital and I even begged her to stay in the hospital one more night until I could get there and help my dad get her in the house. But she insisted that she needed to go home that day, so my younger brother helped my dad get her in the house where she is stuck in her recliner 24/7. Even she admits that it almost killed my dad to get her up the steps into their house, but she doesn’t seem to have any remorse.

She can barely even stand up on her walker and pivot to use the commode that is now located in their living room. I’ve suggested they move into my house, which has a first floor living space and full bathroom with grab bars, and it would be much more convenient for her and my dad until she gets back on her feet (which, at her age and with osteoporosis is not likely to really even happen). Everything revolves around her, I’ve only been here 4 days and I can’t make her happy. They don’t have the finances for assisted living or even to downsize into a more accessible place. I’m torn, I get along well with my dad, and want to do this for him, but I think she might try to take us all down with her.

This for me is the lesson learned. Prioritize your spouse and kids and don't get dragged down by an elderly parent.

Some elderly people become so incredibly selfish. You can never do enough for them and they just want to complain that you aren't doing more. It is horrific to experience year after year as they decline.

[Anonymous]

PPs, were there signs of your loved one’s selfishness, etc when they were younger? It’s rather frightening that personalities can change to this extent, even in the absence of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that you must not prioritize an older parent, however evil that sounds. You prioritize yourself, your children, your spouse, your work, and whatever that's left over, you give to your elder.

My MIL is patient and kind-hearted, and her oldest son, who lives near her and helps her with daily living and medical appointments, is generous and helpful. And yet he has become her target for constant criticism, because familiarity breeds contempt. They each complain about the other to anyone who will listen. My husband, who lives across the ocean on a different continent, manages her finances from afar and tops off what she lacks with our money... is treated as the golden child. It's unfair, and we can all see it!

I've learned my lesson just watching how she interacts with my oldest BIL. I will never welcome an in-law or parent into my home, ever. Even the most pleasant person can turn into a terror when they're old enough. And unfortunately, my parents, who don't yet need my help, are already way more difficult than she is...

There's no win-win here. The mission is to find the least worse win-lose, and try to avoid the lose-lose.

She doesn’t sound patient and kind-hearted. At all.

[Anonymous]

Based on experiences of our friends and our own family, I have yet to find an example to validate that moving the elderly parent into one of their children’s homes has been the best decision for them or their family. People often make that decision out of guilt vs where their parent’s needs will be best met.

[Anonymous]

Here's part of the issue IMO:

You are dealing with people that are literally scared to (and of) death. It's pointing its sharp finger a fraction of an inch from their face and staring them down. And it's happened a lot more quickly than they realized. Life goes by fast. And they are very, very frightened.

None of this is an excuse to treat others badly or have unrealistic expectations, especially by their own children.

Support? Yes. Sacrifice your own life? No.

IMO there needs to be more conversation among adults (no matter their age) as to what kind of "life" they want should they become permanently debilitated AND there is no means of doing home-care. It needs to start sinking into everyone's minds that (typically) the only answer is some sort of institutionalized care.

I think once people (and society in general) psychologically accept the odds are they will wind up in a full-time care facility at some point, the easier it may make it when that time comes.

We have to go from the mindset of , "I don't want to go to a nursing home." to "When I have to go to a nursing home..."

[Anonymous]

^ Oh, and maybe some bright day in the future when the long term care issue is PROPERLY funded and isn't run by a bunch of greedy venture capitalists, we can have well-run facilities that aren't dumping grounds for the elderly who wind up being medicated into a stupor.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing this. I lost my mom last month after stressful year where she could not get ahead of the cancer that took away her joi de vivre, strength, and mobility before it took her life. This week, I moved my 92 y/o dad into a nice assisted living facility very close to where I live.

I didn't think he'd be happy living with my family or my brother's, as he's used to being somewhat independent and likes his privacy. Although he seems pleased with his new home in these first days, I still find myself second guessing this choice. Reading about your experience is reassuring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Oh, and maybe some bright day in the future when the long term care issue is PROPERLY funded and isn't run by a bunch of greedy venture capitalists, we can have well-run facilities that aren't dumping grounds for the elderly who wind up being medicated into a stupor.

This! I just posted above about finding a place for my dad. We are very fortunate to be able to afford a really lovely place for him, but seeing what is out there was really eye-opening. Even though he's 92, he's relatively healthy, quite sharp, and enjoys feeling independent. The majority of the facilities I toured were just dismal, depressing, and dour. It was breaking my heart to think about taking him from the beautiful home he shared with my mom and leaving him to wither away in a joyless place.