low conflict marriage with spouse who just doesn't like me

[Anonymous]

I'm an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. I think that when we met, he was excited about my big group of friends and I was intrigued by his quiet nature. I am still totally find with him being an introvert--I never demand that he socialize with me, and I totally support him in all of his solo hobbies like running and meditation.

On the other hand, he now hates that I'm an extrovert and often criticizes me about how much I talk with friends. One theme is that he doesn't want me to share anything about him with my friends. I get that, and have completely stopped sharing anything personal....but now he says that he doesn't feel comfortable with me sharing any information that relates to him whatsoever. He hates when we go out to dinner with a couple and one person says, "Larlo--Larla told me that you have a new job. How's it going?" He doesn't want me to share even basic facts--e.g. he had a business trip last week, or he's training for a race or whatever. I do my best, but it's awkward to never talk about him at all. When people ask me how he's doing, it feels rude to not share a few neutral/positive things.

Another theme is that I can never EVER ask him to socialize unless he initiates it. We used to throw dinner parties fairly frequently, and we had a nice vibe--he likes to cook, so he got to be in the kitchen for a lot of the night, just chatting when he felt like it, and he said he liked watching me entertain. Now he's said that he hates dinner parties, so I've completely given up entertaining. I also used to love having out of town guests a few times a year, but now that makes him grumpy too, so I've lost touch with a bunch of friends who used to stay with us occasionally.

Are we doomed?

Mostly, it feels like he's over our marriage and not into me, and he's just picking fights about my social life to try to get me to leave him. We have a kid and I REALLY don't want to ruin her childhood, so I'm OK with putting up with a lot of crap. But it feels like he's constantly annoyed at me or barely tolerating me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your relationship is doomed. Maybe you can grey rock him when needed and give him some space? I'm the introvert in my marriage, and we've evolved into DH doing more social things, but in turn, giving me time for myself, like long runs, a spa day or just going to read a book away from the kids for a few hours.

All that said, contempt, if that's what you're experiencing, is hard to overcome. I would suggest counseling and working on getting your relationship back on track (without any socializing involved).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your relationship is doomed. Maybe you can grey rock him when needed and give him some space? I'm the introvert in my marriage, and we've evolved into DH doing more social things, but in turn, giving me time for myself, like long runs, a spa day or just going to read a book away from the kids for a few hours.

All that said, contempt, if that's what you're experiencing, is hard to overcome. I would suggest counseling and working on getting your relationship back on track (without any socializing involved).

The possibility of contempt jumped out at me too. OP are you familiar with the Gottman books on marriage? He lists contempt as a big red flag for problems.

[Anonymous]

I am the introvert in our relationship so giving your DH the benefit of the doubt (he seems kind of mean), here are my thoughts:

He hates your friends. Or he is just sort of tired of them. He doesn’t want you sharing any information about him because he just doesn’t like them that much. You may be thinking that his frustration is with you but he may be frustrated with your attachment to hanging out with people who annoy him deeply.

I relate to this. DH has a friend group that he is very attached to and I am just sort of tired of them. They are much more conservative than I am in every sense and I need a bit of a longer break from them and I don’t want to host them in our house. When we have parties I spend a lot of time cooking and cleaning and it’s exhausting and I am mostly doing it to make DH happy.

Because we so many different groups of people that we spend time with, he is somewhat ok with this but as an example he wants to spend next weekend with these people and I gave a hard no and so he is taking the kids himself and going on a trip with them. I am sort of annoyed but trying to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. I think that when we met, he was excited about my big group of friends and I was intrigued by his quiet nature. I am still totally find with him being an introvert--I never demand that he socialize with me, and I totally support him in all of his solo hobbies like running and meditation.

On the other hand, he now hates that I'm an extrovert and often criticizes me about how much I talk with friends. One theme is that he doesn't want me to share anything about him with my friends. I get that, and have completely stopped sharing anything personal....but now he says that he doesn't feel comfortable with me sharing any information that relates to him whatsoever. He hates when we go out to dinner with a couple and one person says, "Larlo--Larla told me that you have a new job. How's it going?" He doesn't want me to share even basic facts--e.g. he had a business trip last week, or he's training for a race or whatever. I do my best, but it's awkward to never talk about him at all. When people ask me how he's doing, it feels rude to not share a few neutral/positive things.

Another theme is that I can never EVER ask him to socialize unless he initiates it. We used to throw dinner parties fairly frequently, and we had a nice vibe--he likes to cook, so he got to be in the kitchen for a lot of the night, just chatting when he felt like it, and he said he liked watching me entertain. Now he's said that he hates dinner parties, so I've completely given up entertaining. I also used to love having out of town guests a few times a year, but now that makes him grumpy too, so I've lost touch with a bunch of friends who used to stay with us occasionally.

Are we doomed?

Mostly, it feels like he's over our marriage and not into me, and he's just picking fights about my social life to try to get me to leave him. We have a kid and I REALLY don't want to ruin her childhood, so I'm OK with putting up with a lot of crap. But it feels like he's constantly annoyed at me or barely tolerating me.

My DH is kind of like this. Unlike your DH he is social (and I'm not), but like your DH he is very private. He is also super sensitive about bragging; he's very accomplished but humble about it and doesn't want to brag and doesn't want anyone to feel they need to compare or whatever. It's a reflection of what a good person he is, so I try to just respect his wishes and not talk about him, but he also knows that people talk about their lives so he is cool about it when I've told someone something and they bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Has something changed in his circumstances, OP?
Job situation, business circumstances, something that makes him pull up the privacy drawbridge?
Did you really overshare about him...be honest...
Will he go out with just you? Fix a special meal with just you?
If not is he depressed?

[Anonymous]

He sounds miserable OP. Are YOU okay with him? I couldn’t handle it. He likely has a diagnosable issue.

[Anonymous]

Bait and Switch
He appears very miserable and low key controlling . along with manipulative.

I’d have a conversation with him suggest therapy or possibly end it..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bait and Switch
He appears very miserable and low key controlling . along with manipulative.

I’d have a conversation with him suggest therapy or possibly end it..

This type doesn't do therapy. OP - don't be like me. I didn't see how pervasive the contempt was towards me for years. There's no fixing it IMO.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the more you accommodate him the meaner he gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the more you accommodate him the meaner he gets.

Yep. He’s lost respect for you and doesn’t like you anymore. That’s okay, OP. You don’t deserve this and losing contact with all friends?! Weird rules about mentioning him?! Feeling disliked and nervous?! None of that is giving your kid a good childhood. Get out. Lose him. Find yourself again.

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed. Is he ok? It seems like a miserable way to live.

[Anonymous]

I am a big introvert and my wife is an extrovert. I am happy she talks to friends otherwise she would be bored to death lol. Your DH has issues. I think he is more a narcissist than an introvert if you want my honest option. True introverts like me understand that extroverts are very social and we give them the space to socialize as much as they want to and need to. We do because we know that our world as introverts can only be understood by us and it won't be fair to expect others to be like us.

[Anonymous]

He’s trying to control and isolate you. You need to keep your friends because if you stay he will eventually leave and you will have nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an extrovert and my husband is an introvert. I think that when we met, he was excited about my big group of friends and I was intrigued by his quiet nature. I am still totally find with him being an introvert--I never demand that he socialize with me, and I totally support him in all of his solo hobbies like running and meditation.

On the other hand, he now hates that I'm an extrovert and often criticizes me about how much I talk with friends. One theme is that he doesn't want me to share anything about him with my friends. I get that, and have completely stopped sharing anything personal....but now he says that he doesn't feel comfortable with me sharing any information that relates to him whatsoever. He hates when we go out to dinner with a couple and one person says, "Larlo--Larla told me that you have a new job. How's it going?" He doesn't want me to share even basic facts--e.g. he had a business trip last week, or he's training for a race or whatever. I do my best, but it's awkward to never talk about him at all. When people ask me how he's doing, it feels rude to not share a few neutral/positive things.

Another theme is that I can never EVER ask him to socialize unless he initiates it. We used to throw dinner parties fairly frequently, and we had a nice vibe--he likes to cook, so he got to be in the kitchen for a lot of the night, just chatting when he felt like it, and he said he liked watching me entertain. Now he's said that he hates dinner parties, so I've completely given up entertaining. I also used to love having out of town guests a few times a year, but now that makes him grumpy too, so I've lost touch with a bunch of friends who used to stay with us occasionally.

Are we doomed?

Mostly, it feels like he's over our marriage and not into me, and he's just picking fights about my social life to try to get me to leave him. We have a kid and I REALLY don't want to ruin her childhood, so I'm OK with putting up with a lot of crap. But it feels like he's constantly annoyed at me or barely tolerating me.

Couples therapy before divorce. The essential question is if both of you put up with your quirks or you are better off divorcing. I kind of understand your husband though he might sound a jerk. People with level of 1 of autism might feel more comfortable not socializing.

And yes you can tell anything you want to your friends. If your husband gets angry tell him that is not top secret information. I am in a marriage with diverse views on what to tell others. I am like you and my spouse is like your husband, and the spouse goes bananas when I tell something to my family. But that eventually stops being an issue since the spouse does not talk to my family or any of my friends.