Transferring to boarding schools

[Anonymous]

Our child is currently a freshman at a Tt private in manhattan, and they have a few particular talents (athletic and academic) that we all felt would be better pursued in a boarding school environment given the quality sports and facilities which rival some of the best colleges in the world.

They were admitted to a bunch, but they decided Andover was the best fit. It’s a month later now, and they’re no longer sure if he wants to go away. Money is not an issue - we don’t need deposit back, but we’re not quite sure how to handle this. Partner and I believe it’s cold feet, anxiety, and a bit of fomo/leaving his friends, but we’re also pretty certain that Andover will make him happier and allow him to better pursue the things he loves.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any wisdom to impart?

[Anonymous]

Why are you letting the chickens rule the roost? You are the parent. If you think boarding school is best, off they go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child is currently a freshman at a Tt private in manhattan, and they have a few particular talents (athletic and academic) that we all felt would be better pursued in a boarding school environment given the quality sports and facilities which rival some of the best colleges in the world.

They were admitted to a bunch, but they decided Andover was the best fit. It’s a month later now, and they’re no longer sure if he wants to go away. Money is not an issue - we don’t need deposit back, but we’re not quite sure how to handle this. Partner and I believe it’s cold feet, anxiety, and a bit of fomo/leaving his friends, but we’re also pretty certain that Andover will make him happier and allow him to better pursue the things he loves.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any wisdom to impart?

Just realized I said “he’s”, so yes, it’s a him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting the chickens rule the roost? You are the parent. If you think boarding school is best, off they go.

Not how our household works when it comes to huge decisions like these. When he was in kindergarten, yes, we chose what school we thought was the best fit. When my partner and I were his age, both of our parents gave us no option, and I was quite unhappy, this less productive, for the four years I was there. We’ll give him our input and make the case, but ultimately he’s the one who has to make the decision.

Should also mention that we didn’t tell our other where to go to college, either. They received acceptances, revisited the schools, and, even though we certainly had a preference for one (our Alma mater) they chose another school and had a wonderful experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting the chickens rule the roost? You are the parent. If you think boarding school is best, off they go.

Not how our household works when it comes to huge decisions like these. When he was in kindergarten, yes, we chose what school we thought was the best fit. When my partner and I were his age, both of our parents gave us no option, and I was quite unhappy, this less productive, for the four years I was there. We’ll give him our input and make the case, but ultimately he’s the one who has to make the decision.

Should also mention that we didn’t tell our other where to go to college, either. They received acceptances, revisited the schools, and, even though we certainly had a preference for one (our Alma mater) they chose another school and had a wonderful experience.

*thus, not this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child is currently a freshman at a Tt private in manhattan, and they have a few particular talents (athletic and academic) that we all felt would be better pursued in a boarding school environment given the quality sports and facilities which rival some of the best colleges in the world.

They were admitted to a bunch, but they decided Andover was the best fit. It’s a month later now, and they’re no longer sure if he wants to go away. Money is not an issue - we don’t need deposit back, but we’re not quite sure how to handle this. Partner and I believe it’s cold feet, anxiety, and a bit of fomo/leaving his friends, but we’re also pretty certain that Andover will make him happier and allow him to better pursue the things he loves.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any wisdom to impart?

This is tough. I assume you/he thinks he is good enough in his sport to potentially get recruited to play in college? Does he actually want to play said sport in college? Is he otherwise happy at his current school?

If you have laid out all the potential benefits of boarding school athletic or otherwise, and the "downsides" of staying at his TT city private, and he still doesn't want to go, then personally, I would let him stay in his current school.

[Anonymous]

Be careful it's not anything more than cold feet or a normal amount of trepidation. Going away to boarding school is a big deal; your son will have to resolve any number of logistical, social and emotional problems on his own. If he is actually worried he isn't ready, you should listen to that. I say that as someone who went away to prep school but probably wasn't ready (even though I thought I was).

[Anonymous]

You think having access to better playing fields is more important than being raised by one's parents?

It's totally developmentally normal to want to live with your own family when you are in high school.

I would not push him.

Whose idea was boarding school?

Could he visit again or would that be weird?

[Anonymous]

As an andover grad, I would tell your kid that going there was the best decision of my life! Great place, great people, wonderful opportunities. It is a change from living at home, but a good one.

[Anonymous]

My dad went to Andover for junior and senior years. A lot of his high school classmates became famous. A president, a Nobel Prize winner, and a top military diplomat. That said...my dad was a scholarship kid and didn't continue friendships with these elite people after prep school. He did go to an Ivy.

I considered going to prep school as an 8th grader. My cousin was going to Foxcroft at the time. Paid for by her grandma who was an Abbott grad.

I considered boarding school and decided it was profoundly socially odd to live away from your parents during your teen years. And that one can follow one's intellectual interests whereever one is. Also rich kids everywhere get into drugs. (Or at least that's what I heard from my peers who prepped.) I dislike substance abuse/people who get high.

That said, I never had a sport that required fine facilities to master.

This isn't an irrevocable decision. Ask your son to continue with the plan for one year and commit to keeping his grades high. If he doesn't like it, let him complete at the current school (hopefully it would be possible to accept him back)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful it's not anything more than cold feet or a normal amount of trepidation. Going away to boarding school is a big deal; your son will have to resolve any number of logistical, social and emotional problems on his own. If he is actually worried he isn't ready, you should listen to that. I say that as someone who went away to prep school but probably wasn't ready (even though I thought I was).

Agree. I won’t force a good kid to go away to a boarding environment.

Some kids are forced as a punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our child is currently a freshman at a Tt private in manhattan, and they have a few particular talents (athletic and academic) that we all felt would be better pursued in a boarding school environment given the quality sports and facilities which rival some of the best colleges in the world.

They were admitted to a bunch, but they decided Andover was the best fit. It’s a month later now, and they’re no longer sure if he wants to go away. Money is not an issue - we don’t need deposit back, but we’re not quite sure how to handle this. Partner and I believe it’s cold feet, anxiety, and a bit of fomo/leaving his friends, but we’re also pretty certain that Andover will make him happier and allow him to better pursue the things he loves.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any wisdom to impart?

This is tough. I assume you/he thinks he is good enough in his sport to potentially get recruited to play in college? Does he actually want to play said sport in college? Is he otherwise happy at his current school?

If you have laid out all the potential benefits of boarding school athletic or otherwise, and the "downsides" of staying at his TT city private, and he still doesn't want to go, then personally, I would let him stay in his current school.

OP here: objectively - this isn’t meant to sound like humblebrag - he’s talented enough to play in college - he’s been playing up an age group for independent teams outside of school, been selected for national showcase tournament things, and he’s already drawn interest from schools. He loves both sports he plays, one a bit more than the other, but Andover is strong in both. And yes, he is happy at his current school, but he acknowledges the limitations it may have on his athletic development. Obviously, academics either way are fantastic.

We’ve had a few serious conversations about it, and my partner and I are trying to avoid taking a strong position, but this is what we’re certain of: his athletic progress will be stunted if he stays at his school, which is fine if that’s what he wants. If he does stay at his school and pursues sports at a higher level (a much-discussed option), the commitment will be infinitely greater - the club teams he would play for are all outside of manhattan, practice multiple times a week, chaotic game schedule with huge travel times, etc. - which might mean his school work and other ec’s would suffer, and to potentially mortgage a piece of his future this way may be unwise. There are other areas in which he has certain gifts, and pursuing athletics like this would eat into that time commitment.

Let me say quickly: we’re so proud of him no matter what he chooses, and we’re grateful that he’s turned into the young man he has. We’re doing our best to be an objective sounding board for him. But late at night, when my partner and I discuss it, we think that Andover would not only be a better place for him to develop, but somewhere he may actually be happier all around. It would be a shame for him to miss the opportunity simply because he’s comfortable/worried about change, which we think is the most likely cause for his hesitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our child is currently a freshman at a Tt private in manhattan, and they have a few particular talents (athletic and academic) that we all felt would be better pursued in a boarding school environment given the quality sports and facilities which rival some of the best colleges in the world.

They were admitted to a bunch, but they decided Andover was the best fit. It’s a month later now, and they’re no longer sure if he wants to go away. Money is not an issue - we don’t need deposit back, but we’re not quite sure how to handle this. Partner and I believe it’s cold feet, anxiety, and a bit of fomo/leaving his friends, but we’re also pretty certain that Andover will make him happier and allow him to better pursue the things he loves.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any wisdom to impart?

This is tough. I assume you/he thinks he is good enough in his sport to potentially get recruited to play in college? Does he actually want to play said sport in college? Is he otherwise happy at his current school?

If you have laid out all the potential benefits of boarding school athletic or otherwise, and the "downsides" of staying at his TT city private, and he still doesn't want to go, then personally, I would let him stay in his current school.

OP here: objectively - this isn’t meant to sound like humblebrag - he’s talented enough to play in college - he’s been playing up an age group for independent teams outside of school, been selected for national showcase tournament things, and he’s already drawn interest from schools. He loves both sports he plays, one a bit more than the other, but Andover is strong in both. And yes, he is happy at his current school, but he acknowledges the limitations it may have on his athletic development. Obviously, academics either way are fantastic.

We’ve had a few serious conversations about it, and my partner and I are trying to avoid taking a strong position, but this is what we’re certain of: his athletic progress will be stunted if he stays at his school, which is fine if that’s what he wants. If he does stay at his school and pursues sports at a higher level (a much-discussed option), the commitment will be infinitely greater - the club teams he would play for are all outside of manhattan, practice multiple times a week, chaotic game schedule with huge travel times, etc. - which might mean his school work and other ec’s would suffer, and to potentially mortgage a piece of his future this way may be unwise. There are other areas in which he has certain gifts, and pursuing athletics like this would eat into that time commitment.

Let me say quickly: we’re so proud of him no matter what he chooses, and we’re grateful that he’s turned into the young man he has. We’re doing our best to be an objective sounding board for him. But late at night, when my partner and I discuss it, we think that Andover would not only be a better place for him to develop, but somewhere he may actually be happier all around. It would be a shame for him to miss the opportunity simply because he’s comfortable/worried about change, which we think is the most likely cause for his hesitation.

OP addition: should also mention that my partner and i are both products of NYC privates and boarding schools. However, neither of us was given the option to stay in the city, which I resented more than disliked the experience. But that history is why we’re really trying not to push him either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful it's not anything more than cold feet or a normal amount of trepidation. Going away to boarding school is a big deal; your son will have to resolve any number of logistical, social and emotional problems on his own. If he is actually worried he isn't ready, you should listen to that. I say that as someone who went away to prep school but probably wasn't ready (even though I thought I was).

Agree. I won’t force a good kid to go away to a boarding environment.

Some kids are forced as a punishment.

For the uninitiated, there are boarding schools that are set up for kids with troubled pasts, some of them are excellent, some of them are horrible prisons. The boarding schools I’m referring to are wonderful places which many kids/parents would sacrifice a whole lot to be able to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad went to Andover for junior and senior years. A lot of his high school classmates became famous. A president, a Nobel Prize winner, and a top military diplomat. That said...my dad was a scholarship kid and didn't continue friendships with these elite people after prep school. He did go to an Ivy.

I considered going to prep school as an 8th grader. My cousin was going to Foxcroft at the time. Paid for by her grandma who was an Abbott grad.

I considered boarding school and decided it was profoundly socially odd to live away from your parents during your teen years. And that one can follow one's intellectual interests whereever one is. Also rich kids everywhere get into drugs. (Or at least that's what I heard from my peers who prepped.) I dislike substance abuse/people who get high.

That said, I never had a sport that required fine facilities to master.

This isn't an irrevocable decision. Ask your son to continue with the plan for one year and commit to keeping his grades high. If he doesn't like it, let him complete at the current school (hopefully it would be possible to accept him back)?

OP here: Yes, I went to Exeter (Andover’s rival), and my partner went to Groton, each have a pretty good alumni network. We both went to ivies, as well. I was sent to exeter in part because of generational stuff, as was my partner, and by the time i was there (late 00s), it was entirely different from the time my grandpa and dad went. Still rich kids, for sure, but it’s needs-blind now - if you’re smart enough to get in and can’t afford it, the school covers all costs. i did grade school at trinity, my partner at Dalton. It’s a counterfactual, but I’m not sure I would have loved Trinity for high school, but our other child graduated from Dalton and LOVED it.

For us, boarding school is the norm and I still think it’s a really great, unique way to experience high school. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but looking back on it, I realize how lucky I was/am to have had the privilege of going.

In terms of substance abuse, I’m afraid at any school in manhattan and many private schools, it’s always going to be around. The best a parent can really hope for - at least to us - is the better judgment of your kids and a healthy way to set boundaries and contain it.