Transferring to boarding schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an andover grad, I would tell your kid that going there was the best decision of my life! Great place, great people, wonderful opportunities. It is a change from living at home, but a good one.

OP here: Yep, I’m an Exeter grad - a bit conflicted about sending a child to andover, but it really is such a beautiful, friendly school. Some of our facilities may be a bit better (kidding), but the schools are so similar.

one thing we did notice was that, between these two schools specifically, andover seemed palpably friendlier and warmer. But that may just be my own projection. We loved choate for that reason, too.

Thanks for the comment, though. I’m sorry you got rejected from exeter… (kidding)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful it's not anything more than cold feet or a normal amount of trepidation. Going away to boarding school is a big deal; your son will have to resolve any number of logistical, social and emotional problems on his own. If he is actually worried he isn't ready, you should listen to that. I say that as someone who went away to prep school but probably wasn't ready (even though I thought I was).

OP here: Thanks, and this is our concern. My partner and I both went through the same thing you did, which is why this is such a difficult choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think having access to better playing fields is more important than being raised by one's parents?

It's totally developmentally normal to want to live with your own family when you are in high school.

I would not push him.

Whose idea was boarding school?

Could he visit again or would that be weird?

OP here: I think there’s a huge misapprehension of what boarding school is vs. a reform school. I would recommend maybe doing a bit of reading up on it - it’s not at all what I think you may be thinking. And it’s fine if you think a child should remain in their household through high school, but it’s certainly not a punishment to be sent away, it’s a privilege. I’ll ignore the playing fields comment - think it’s a bit of snark.

The idea of going to boarding school was mutual. He knows that my partner and I both went, and when we began talking about the practicalities of sports, I believe he was the first to mention a potential transfer, but I can’t remember for sure.

We’re absolutely not pushing him in either direction. We’re listening to him, how he’s feeling, what his concerns are, and trying to answer anything he asks as objectively as possible. We’ll be happy with whatever decision he makes as long as he makes that decision with the best possible understanding of the trade offs.

Yes, he can revisit the school anytime. There’s a revisit day, and he can also do an overnight stay with a student - we have friends with children there already.

[Anonymous]

We just declined Andover for a TT, and I have to say we’re relieved that our son is staying home even though we knew that Andover would have been truly a step up in almost everything and would have probably meant more as a network for him later in life. But our situation was different in that our son was always hesitant about living far away. It sounds like your son was pretty on board with boarding until recently which sounds like cold feet, and if that is the case, and it’s not based on real reasons why staying at his current school would be better, than I would probably help him push through his fears, because usually we end up feeling better after walking through our fears and becoming more resilient on the other end. If you hear true reasons why he would rather stay home (not just friends because he will make plenty of new friends) or why he isn’t ready to live away, then I wouldn’t push him. The recent tragic event at Andover also scared us a lot as parents because we felt that if our child wasn’t fully up for the experience of being on his own, then who would he turn to in difficult times? One thing are phone calls but when you can’t see him in the face every day to see how he’s doing, it can be a scary place to be if your child wasn’t fully on board with his own readiness. But I feel you completely as you’re dealing with this decision because we were also very torn about how to handle it and how much to influence what we thought would be best for him. Wishing you the best!

[Anonymous]

Parent of a recent Andover grad. I think it really depends on your kid and the sport. It sounds like it’s a team sport. Does recruiting for your child’s sport primarily happen from the school team or a club team? Is your DS able to be on a top club team and still excel academically where he is? We ultimately chose Andover because it allowed our child to do both with better a better quality of life.


It sounds like you already know boarding school isn’t for every kid. Andover is not a particularly nurturing school. Your son needs to be pretty mature for his age and socially/emotionally ready. Nobody on an anonymous forum can tell you if he is.

It sounds like maybe a conversation with the coach of your son’s sport and/or another visit might be helpful for you and your son.

[Anonymous]

What was the recent tragic event at Andover

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't send a reluctant child to boarding school. You didn't say what sport, but it's not uncommon for athletes from the TT NYC private schools to be recruited. My DS is at HM and in the process right now.

[Anonymous]

Andover grad here, from long ago. My impression now, many years out, is that Andover is more stern/cold in many respects than Exeter and Groton, since you say you both went there. The opportunities at Andover are great but it is a huge place and easy to feel lost. OTOH the kids who were serious about sports had built in communities and adjusted well, and had more faculty members keeping a close eye on them, so your son may be just fine if he is going to do sports while he's there.

[Anonymous]

I also went to boarding school and am really familiar with all the schools on this list. There are so many pluses. There are also some negatives that I didn’t fully appreciate until I became a parent, had children of my own, and saw how my own relationship with my family evolved. You really don’t ever get back the time living at home as a child, no matter how amazing the school. I think you have an opportunity here to help your child listen and respect to what their gut is telling them. Also, you can reassure them that there’s no wrong choice. If they are really that talented in a sport, they’ll realistically be able to reapply for 10th or 11th grade if they decide they want to go away when they are older and slightly more independent. Good luck, you sound like wonderful parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: Yes, I went to Exeter (Andover’s rival), and my partner went to Groton, each have a pretty good alumni network. We both went to ivies, as well. I was sent to exeter in part because of generational stuff, as was my partner, and by the time i was there (late 00s), it was entirely different from the time my grandpa and dad went.

Wait a second-- how old were you when you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: Yes, I went to Exeter (Andover’s rival), and my partner went to Groton, each have a pretty good alumni network. We both went to ivies, as well. I was sent to exeter in part because of generational stuff, as was my partner, and by the time i was there (late 00s), it was entirely different from the time my grandpa and dad went.

Wait a second-- how old were you when you had kids?

LOL. I was also wondering if that first 0 should be an 8 or 9! Or else someone got knocked up at Exeter!