What I learned after doing the college app process with 3 kids

[Anonymous]

I originally shared this about a year ago in response to another post and thought it would be helpful to share again, especially as many students begin preparing for college applications. I know this topic can attract mixed opinions, and that’s okay. Some may find this advice useful, even if some think it is overkill. Last time I posted it, I got a lot of positive feedback. I also often share this with friends who ask for advice.

As a mom of three—two attending / or graduated from different Ivy League schools and one at a top ivy-equivalent university—I’ve learned a lot throughout the process. For our first child we did use an extra college counselor, but we didn’t feel the need to do the same for the next two. We learned enough with the first. I also acknowledge we had a lot of privilege when it came to paying for tutors, extracurriculars, etc…

For context, my three kids have very different personalities. They’re all naturally bright to some extent, but more importantly, they’re self-motivated. My youngest needed more support with organization early in high school but adapted over time. Two went to private school, one attended public. Here is what I learned (and they learned!). Feel free to add things I could be missing.


1. Academics
Grades are the single most important factor in the admissions process. Consistency is key—students need to understand that even small assignments matter and even one point counts. If grades start to slip, take action early—whether that means getting a tutor, talking to teachers, or improving study habits. Planning ahead makes a huge difference. There is a difference between an A and an A-. It’s important to take challenging courses, especially in areas of interest, but grades should take priority. In most cases, an A in a regular class is better than a B in an AP class—unless it’s a subject relevant to their intended major. I didn’t realize before going through the process that some majors require specific coursework (e.g., AP Calculus for business programs).

2. Personal Branding & Passion Projects
If possible, find a way to connect personal interests or adversity to community service. One of my children turned a personal challenge into an advocacy and service initiative, while another built a project around their academic interests, incorporating travel and service into their application. Try to make a meaningful measurable impact.

3. Extracurriculars & Leadership
Leadership is important—whether that means taking on roles in existing organizations or starting a new club. A benefit of private school was it was easy to do this. Show commitment, passion, and consistency. Seek awards or recognition in areas related to the intended major. Also, the college counselor we did hire (in addition to school one) stressed the value of a job. IMO Summer programs are fine, but they don’t mean much on an application. However, they can be good opportunities to explore interests. One of my children realized they did not want to major in Computer Science after a summer program.

4. Essays & Storytelling
For the Common App essay, focus on that personal passion project or defining experiences that reflect core values. For supplemental essays, tie personal experiences to the school’s values and demonstrate alignment with the institution’s offerings.

5. Test Scores & Strategy
Learn the test. Practice practice practice! This is one area I think a tutor greatly helped. That said, one of my children was accepted to an Ivy League school without submitting test scores.

6. Choosing Schools & Strategy
Look into the relationships your high school has with certain colleges. Cast a wide net, connect with alumni. If possible, take advantage of Early Decision (ED) to increase chances at top-choice school.

just my two cents. I know there is not one formula and the process can be so random at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: There is a difference between an A and an A-. It’s important to take challenging courses, especially in areas of interest, but grades should take priority. In most cases, an A in a regular class is better than a B in an AP class—unless it’s a subject relevant to their intended major. I didn’t realize before going through the process that some majors require specific coursework (e.g., AP Calculus for business programs).


Learn the test. Practice practice practice! This is one area I think a tutor greatly helped. That said, one of my children was accepted to an Ivy League school without submitting test scores.

This is why kids are unprepared in college, taking regular classes when AP is available because they don't want the possibility of a lower grade.

Also, LOL @ bragging about test optional

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: There is a difference between an A and an A-. It’s important to take challenging courses, especially in areas of interest, but grades should take priority. In most cases, an A in a regular class is better than a B in an AP class—unless it’s a subject relevant to their intended major. I didn’t realize before going through the process that some majors require specific coursework (e.g., AP Calculus for business programs).


Learn the test. Practice practice practice! This is one area I think a tutor greatly helped. That said, one of my children was accepted to an Ivy League school without submitting test scores.

This is why kids are unprepared in college, taking regular classes when AP is available because they don't want the possibility of a lower grade.

Also, LOL @ bragging about test optional

Maybe, but it is what gets them into a better college? And if they are high stats kids they will be just fine. My kids took plenty of AP classes.

As for test optional, Not bragging? Just pointing it out? Why would I be bragging about her going test optional?

[Anonymous]

Eh. I’d rather hear from parents whose kids turned out great even if they didn’t attend one of these colleges.

[Anonymous]

My kids aren’t old enough for this process yet, but if this is an accurate picture of what it takes to “succeed” then the whole system is prioritizing the wrong things. Goodhart’s Law in action!

[Anonymous]

TO is pretty much over for T20 colleges.

[Anonymous]

In other words, be rich and throw a lot of money at it and everything will turn out great. Thanks, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: There is a difference between an A and an A-. It’s important to take challenging courses, especially in areas of interest, but grades should take priority. In most cases, an A in a regular class is better than a B in an AP class—unless it’s a subject relevant to their intended major. I didn’t realize before going through the process that some majors require specific coursework (e.g., AP Calculus for business programs).


Learn the test. Practice practice practice! This is one area I think a tutor greatly helped. That said, one of my children was accepted to an Ivy League school without submitting test scores.

This is why kids are unprepared in college, taking regular classes when AP is available because they don't want the possibility of a lower grade.

Also, LOL @ bragging about test optional

This is very kid-dependent. One of mine is very peer motivated and being in class with other motivated kids makes a world of difference in their engagement. They make even fare worse in non-AP than AP.

I do appreciate op sharing, but as an ivy grad I can attest that getting there is one game but it's not the long game. With mental health challenges on the rise in young people, I wonder about the dangers of any of this process being parent-driven, especially wrt developing a personal brand. IME the healthier young adults had the opportunity to explore lots of things without pigeonholing themselves to have a more coherent narrative.

I think it's worth thinking carefully about mental health, especially in this area with so many type A parents.

[Anonymous]

I know enough about academia, the job hunt and tenure process, etc. to know that the difference between a "top" school and an "okay" school is mostly the other kids there with you. If this is how you get in to a "top" school, I'm not sure that's the right cohort for my child.

[Anonymous]

The admissions landscape continues to change rapidly. I would not recommend test optional for most applicants.

It doesn't hurt to try, apply TO at a college if your score is not near the 25th percentile, but no score or low score tends to hurt the competitiveness of the app.

Note that several top colleges have returned to requiring test scores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, be rich and throw a lot of money at it and everything will turn out great. Thanks, OP!

This made me LOL because it's so true. Also, let's remember that being full pay is the single largest advantage one has in college admissions.

[Anonymous]

Some good tips above depending on your goal.

There are so many colleges and all kids have different needs- it’s figuring out what’s important to them and to a lesser extent, the parents.

Our kids are healthy and did fine without tutoring, test prep or college advisor. (Second kid did some online SAT prep book).

We live in an MCPS HS district that is solid and has APs, but not one that is super competitive or grade focused.

Both kids are happy and thriving at Big-10 schools in different states.

First child was disorganized in HS gifted magnet public programs with a GPA around 3.0 and ~10 APs and a variety of extracurricular activities. If we’d had the money, we might have had a tutor. Kid is a good test taker and got into a state flagship, with some money, not tons. Currently in grad school.

Second kid, very disciplined and focused, with weighted GPA of 4.5 with challenging course load and over a dozen APs (4s & 5s).
Though stressful at times, this kid is also laid-back, so wasn’t in a state of stress despite the heavy load. Second kid got into top publics and mid-tier Big-10s and chose the one that offered the most merit for OOS.

So, yes, grades matter, but so does your kids personality.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TO is pretty much over for T20 colleges.

My kid got into 3 T25 this cycle TO.
Humanities major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, be rich and throw a lot of money at it and everything will turn out great. Thanks, OP!

Haha- hard what I read as well!

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with these, just having had it work out well for my kid who followed a lot of what you wrote.

I would also add that you should really try to get your kid (and perhaps your own mindset) to stay in their lane. Applying to a few reaches is fine but they really need to focus on where they can reasonably get accepted. Kids who do that seem much happier with the outcomes than those who think Top 10 or bust. Sometimes you will get a surprise admit (my kid did for one reach), but she would have been happy at 2-3 other schools to which she was admitted.