Parent in denial

[Anonymous]

My parents are both 80ish so no age gap but my mother is aging much slower than my father. My father's aging is accelerated by Parkinsons. Physically my mother is perfectly healthy. She has ADHD and as she ages, she is becoming increasingly scattered and I am not sure where the line is between her ADHD and mild dementia. But she is adament that she is perfectly healthy in every way. She refuses to accept my father's decline and tears a strip off him for being lazy and not keeping up with her. She refuses all help for both of them. She doesn't really maintain the house or property well anymore but it is still sufficient that it isn't a safety risk. Their house is not suitable for my father but she refuses to even entertain the thought of moving.

Other than spending more time at their place to help out, I am at a loss as to what to do. She is just in denial about a lot of things and won't even discuss them. My father would move tomorrow or accept extra help if he had any say as he is really struggling but he doesn't get a say. And when she rips into him, then he just says he is happy to do whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

This is normal, and it's not going to get better.

What will happen is your father will likely have a fall, break a hip, and have a long slow decline. Your mother will insist that she can care for him and he doesn't need a rehab home. It will spiral with him declining more and being placed back in the hospital, which sadly he won't leave alive.

Your mother will insist on staying in her home alone, and the condition she keeps it in will continue to decline. This will go on until she has a serious illness or a fall, then she will not want any in home care except you, which is not reasonable, and you will have to place her in a nursing facility against her will. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Consider that the project of moving may feel overwhelming to her and that's why she's refusing to do it. Sometimes you have to do it for them because their executive functioning is not good enough. Moving is overwhelming to anyone, of course, but even more so to her. It might not be that she doesn't want to, but she doesn't know how or feels like she can't manage it.

You can draw back your helpfulness strategically to give them a taste of how little they actually can handle on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that the project of moving may feel overwhelming to her and that's why she's refusing to do it. Sometimes you have to do it for them because their executive functioning is not good enough. Moving is overwhelming to anyone, of course, but even more so to her. It might not be that she doesn't want to, but she doesn't know how or feels like she can't manage it.

You can draw back your helpfulness strategically to give them a taste of how little they actually can handle on their own.

DP. This may be true so laying out some options and approach might help. Many dig in and resist though until something really bad happens.

[Anonymous]

There isn't anything you can do as long as they are in control. Once things fall apart, you can be there to help pick up the pieces, but that's pretty much it as long as they are making the decisions about their lives.

And maybe get a therapist for yourself to help deal with your frustrations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider that the project of moving may feel overwhelming to her and that's why she's refusing to do it. Sometimes you have to do it for them because their executive functioning is not good enough. Moving is overwhelming to anyone, of course, but even more so to her. It might not be that she doesn't want to, but she doesn't know how or feels like she can't manage it.

You can draw back your helpfulness strategically to give them a taste of how little they actually can handle on their own.

DP. This may be true so laying out some options and approach might help. Many dig in and resist though until something really bad happens.

I think what helps is to have them visit places if they're willing, and then they choose what to take with them and the adult child deals with the rest. Yes it's a ton of work, but people with dementia aren't up to major organizational projects, so this is how it has to be.

[Anonymous]

If they agree to visit senior residences, pay for a three night trial stay but tell your parents it is free. Use the time to have professional cleaners in their home.

Eventually, they will like a place enough and their home can be sold.

The senior residences can feel like a vacation. Each will cater to your folks, offering their favorite desserts and seating them with nice people.

Both my mother and mother in law did this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal, and it's not going to get better.

What will happen is your father will likely have a fall, break a hip, and have a long slow decline. Your mother will insist that she can care for him and he doesn't need a rehab home. It will spiral with him declining more and being placed back in the hospital, which sadly he won't leave alive.

Your mother will insist on staying in her home alone, and the condition she keeps it in will continue to decline. This will go on until she has a serious illness or a fall, then she will not want any in home care except you, which is not reasonable, and you will have to place her in a nursing facility against her will. Good luck!

THIS. For a second I thought I wrote this. I related to OPs post too. It is a big sh&t show when you have a difficult and stubborn parent in denial. In my case throw in a deranged sibling who convinces mommy to fund her lifestyle all while mom has just enough cognitive function to pass a dementia screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal, and it's not going to get better.

What will happen is your father will likely have a fall, break a hip, and have a long slow decline. Your mother will insist that she can care for him and he doesn't need a rehab home. It will spiral with him declining more and being placed back in the hospital, which sadly he won't leave alive.

Your mother will insist on staying in her home alone, and the condition she keeps it in will continue to decline. This will go on until she has a serious illness or a fall, then she will not want any in home care except you, which is not reasonable, and you will have to place her in a nursing facility against her will. Good luck!

I hope he doesn't fall, but if he does get hospitalized, be sure to tell the case manager/ social worker it's not a safe discharge!

If you can get home health for any reason, they can have an OT assessment the home for safety concerns. You could probably pay someone to come in if you don't care about insurance. If he's going to be at home, better to have what he needs to be as safe as possible.

Is he getting outpatient OT/PT at least?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you visit them unexpectedly? Like come by with zero notice? Sometimes people manage to pull it together for visits and seem more functional than they actually are, because they have time to prepare. You may learn a lot if you appear unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they agree to visit senior residences, pay for a three night trial stay but tell your parents it is free. Use the time to have professional cleaners in their home.

Eventually, they will like a place enough and their home can be sold.

The senior residences can feel like a vacation. Each will cater to your folks, offering their favorite desserts and seating them with nice people.

Both my mother and mother in law did this.

They’ll “cater” till they decide not to, and then terminate the lease with nowhere to go back to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they agree to visit senior residences, pay for a three night trial stay but tell your parents it is free. Use the time to have professional cleaners in their home.

Eventually, they will like a place enough and their home can be sold.

The senior residences can feel like a vacation. Each will cater to your folks, offering their favorite desserts and seating them with nice people.

Both my mother and mother in law did this.

Op here. My mother's mother was in a senior's residence and my mother hated even visiting her there. She vowed when my grandmother died that she would never step foot in one again. She has zero interest in anything related to moving, she plans to stay in the house for another 20 years! Her plan is to just sleep on the couch if she reaches the point that she can't handle stairs. She does not intend to care for my father, he can go to a home, she will stay in the house. She has told him he is welcome to go wherever he wants if he doesn't want to stay with her. They have been married for 60 years. I used to go over and help a lot but now she gets a little paranoid / suspicious that I am doing something so when I visit, she just wants me to stay in the family room / kitchen area and be a guest and she will make me coffee / tea.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think you have your answer Op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you visit them unexpectedly? Like come by with zero notice? Sometimes people manage to pull it together for visits and seem more functional than they actually are, because they have time to prepare. You may learn a lot if you appear unexpectedly.

OP if your parents are anything like mine, this would set off a lot of hostility and a bad scene. You know them best. I as a middle age adult balancing a lot would not want anyone just stopping by with zero notice to check on how I am handing things and I am handling them well considering how much I have going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they agree to visit senior residences, pay for a three night trial stay but tell your parents it is free. Use the time to have professional cleaners in their home.

Eventually, they will like a place enough and their home can be sold.

The senior residences can feel like a vacation. Each will cater to your folks, offering their favorite desserts and seating them with nice people.

Both my mother and mother in law did this.

Op here. My mother's mother was in a senior's residence and my mother hated even visiting her there. She vowed when my grandmother died that she would never step foot in one again. She has zero interest in anything related to moving, she plans to stay in the house for another 20 years! Her plan is to just sleep on the couch if she reaches the point that she can't handle stairs. She does not intend to care for my father, he can go to a home, she will stay in the house. She has told him he is welcome to go wherever he wants if he doesn't want to stay with her. They have been married for 60 years. I used to go over and help a lot but now she gets a little paranoid / suspicious that I am doing something so when I visit, she just wants me to stay in the family room / kitchen area and be a guest and she will make me coffee / tea.

OP I have a mother like this. The only difference is she was refusing memory care for dad who desperately needed it, but decided I should abandon the family I created and take over with him. I had to get professionals involved with her because she was so irrational and hostile with me.