What do I say to mom about not driving?

[Anonymous]

My mom has dementia and is in assisted living since January. Half the time she hates the place. Everyone is old and she doesn't belong. Half the time she loves the place.

Three weeks after moving to AL, she didn't want to be there and drove home (1 hour away), forgot she had even moved to AL once she was home, and I brought her back.

I didn't bring her car back to mom because I figure there would just be a repeat.

At first she didn't really ask for her car, then we would make excuses about taking her. Now, she's fixated and is calling the police and insurance and insists my sister stole the car.

Insurance is now saying a doctor needs to verify she can drive or she won't be covered.

Please help me with what I can say to mom. I've tried excuses, said car isn't starting (sure that's true at this point), told the truth about insurance wanting doctor's note. She is just enraged. I get it!

AL told me to make excuses about car being broken down, but that didn't work. They also said to say mom could get car back once she gets more settled in.

I'm not sure what the kindest, less stressful thing is to say to mom.

It's harder, because she forgets what I say (and forgets she's repeatedly calling the insurance company), but she is focused on the theft of her car and wanting it back.

[Anonymous]

She won't remember what you say anyway, so it doesn't matter what you tell her. I am sorry she is distressed but this is incredibly common. If it wasn't the car it would be something else.

[Anonymous]

Op. To add. My main concern is her going home. But I also worry about her being lost (she now lives close to me, but her immediate area is unfamiliar). And her short term memory is shot. (Routines and long-term memory is great, which is how she could get home).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. To add. My main concern is her going home. But I also worry about her being lost (she now lives close to me, but her immediate area is unfamiliar). And her short term memory is shot. (Routines and long-term memory is great, which is how she could get home).

PP here. Do not under any circumstances give her the car back! She does NOT belong on the roads.

[Anonymous]

Remove the battery! Sell her car! Take her car and drive it or store it somewhere far away.

[Anonymous]

When my mom had dementia she didn't want to drive, but my dad was in denial and seemed insistent that she should keep her car and driving.
My brother (sibling who lived closest to my parents and was doing most of the helping) told my dad that my son (age 16 at the time) was getting his license and really needed a car-and wouldn't it be great if they could let my son use the car for now? My brother really played it up as what great heros they would be as grandparents to pass along the car to their grandson.
Are there any late teens/young adults in the family that could use the car and your mom could help them out like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom had dementia she didn't want to drive, but my dad was in denial and seemed insistent that she should keep her car and driving.
My brother (sibling who lived closest to my parents and was doing most of the helping) told my dad that my son (age 16 at the time) was getting his license and really needed a car-and wouldn't it be great if they could let my son use the car for now? My brother really played it up as what great heros they would be as grandparents to pass along the car to their grandson.
Are there any late teens/young adults in the family that could use the car and your mom could help them out like that?

Op. I tried that, but I think that's why she started thinking my sister took her car. Mom is *very* independent and the idea of not driving has been difficult for her.

[Anonymous]

“Because you have dementia, the doctors need to make sure you are still fit to drive. You need to do a new test, if you pass you can continue driving, if not we will sell the car.”

It doesn’t sound like she SHOULD be driving, so it’s likely her dr would not approve. Get it in writing. Sell the car. Put proof of both somewhere she can reference when she needs (ie on the table where she leaves the car keys, when she looks for the keys she will see the notes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Because you have dementia, the doctors need to make sure you are still fit to drive. You need to do a new test, if you pass you can continue driving, if not we will sell the car.”

It doesn’t sound like she SHOULD be driving, so it’s likely her dr would not approve. Get it in writing. Sell the car. Put proof of both somewhere she can reference when she needs (ie on the table where she leaves the car keys, when she looks for the keys she will see the notes).

Op again. Sure it's common, but mom thinks all is great.

[Anonymous]

Ok so? If she was on medication that made it unsafe to drive would you give her keys? Do you like lying to her every time to talk to her? Get the doctor to examine her and give you the results. Do you have POA?

[Anonymous]

How are you not worried about her getting into an accident as the first thing. She remembers all the rules of the road?
Take the keys if you can't sell the car. Move the car out of sight. Amazing how she remembers she has one.

[Anonymous]

You do not let her drive.

She won't remember what you say, so you can try whatever you'd like.

-Mom you have dementia so we had to sell the car.
-You can no longer legally drive.
-Your license is not valid.
-We sold the car, the money is in your bank account.
-Your car is in the shop.
-Your car stopped working.
-Nancy did not steal your car.

[Anonymous]

Guys OP isn't asking whether she should let Mom drive. She knows she can't. She's asking about how to get Mom to calm down about being denied access to the car when Mom doesn't agree that she's unsafe to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys OP isn't asking whether she should let Mom drive. She knows she can't. She's asking about how to get Mom to calm down about being denied access to the car when Mom doesn't agree that she's unsafe to drive.

Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for that. And she will just move on to the next thing to be anxious about. Dementi causes anxiety because nothing makes sense any more. Medicate her.

[Anonymous]

Irrational people will act irrationally. And say irrational things. No secret sauce here, Op.