What do I say to mom about not driving?

[Anonymous]

I’d take the car to her place where she lives and disconnect the battery.

[Anonymous]

You inform her doctor who write up the notes. You send one to the insurance company and the DMV.

Tell her the car died and cannot be fixed. Ask the doctor what low level safe anti anxiety medication she can go on long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d take the car to her place where she lives and disconnect the battery.

This was my thought too. But remove the battery. You don't want some nice stranger reconnecting it without realizing it was intentional.

Definitely get the doctors note if you can, and maybe even call the DMV about revoking her license. We told my dad that the doctor said he shouldn't drive anymore. There was a transition period but he forgot about it eventually.

[Anonymous]

Take away the keys now. Just tell her they are lost. She has dementia--you think she is going to remember where her keys are anyway, let alone a conversation?

[Anonymous]

In the short term, you can medicate her with Nyquil Severe cold to calm her down til she gets an RX

[Anonymous]

Do you have a durable POA?

If you do, sell the car. When she brings it home, I would tell her the car was sold because her license is invalid, and she has to go to the MVA for a license renewal and buy a new car. You do this super gently, like you’re talking about normal errands, and then you try to redirect. Just keep deflecting on when that will happen. It’s okay if she makes an effort to go to the MVA or buy a car if you have confidence she’s unable to actually do it.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell her she has dementia making her unsafe to drive-at least with our mom that would set off rage and rebellion. We were advised to use therapeutic lies as mentioned here. "You donated that car to your favorite charity" or "It's getting repaired."

I would not go through the charade of returning it and taking out the battery. One well-meaning good samaritan or Triple A could create a highly unsafe situation, and you could set off rage and confusion as she tries to start the car.

Just be matter of fact...with whatever you say and move on to the next subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. To add. My main concern is her going home. But I also worry about her being lost (she now lives close to me, but her immediate area is unfamiliar). And her short term memory is shot. (Routines and long-term memory is great, which is how she could get home).

No—this isn’t a concern—BECAUSE YOU CANNOT ALLOW HER TO EVER DRIVE AGAIN!

Get lost??? SHE COULD QUITE LITERALLY KILL SOMEONE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. To add. My main concern is her going home. But I also worry about her being lost (she now lives close to me, but her immediate area is unfamiliar). And her short term memory is shot. (Routines and long-term memory is great, which is how she could get home).

No—this isn’t a concern—BECAUSE YOU CANNOT ALLOW HER TO EVER DRIVE AGAIN!

Get lost??? SHE COULD QUITE LITERALLY KILL SOMEONE!

Yeah op is really worrying about the wrong thing here.

[Anonymous]

Take the keys away and hide any spare keys. Take the battery out of the car. I would take away her house keys also. Then go back to her doctor with a journal of her actions and have him say she cannot drive. If you have power of attorney, sell the car or give it to a grandchild, etc.

[Anonymous]

Honestly though, even if say she DOES kill someone in an accident, there is nothing that can be done that she will suffer for, or even her heirs. Sure, the defendants will go after any assets she has left, but I suspect deeply she has none, and they cannot go after you legally, OP. I would request this post be deleted and that you never mention her driving to insurance/doctors/neighbours/the internet again. If anyone asks, say you were unaware. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe AL wasn’t more helpful. In MI someone can anonymously report that they know a person who is unsafe to drive and the DMV took it from there.

In the meantime, collect every car key. As the dementia progresses she’ll forget about the car.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP but your mother with dementia is driving around, may come to harm, may harm others and you are WORRIED SHE WILL BE MAD IF YOU DENY ACCESS TO DRIVING?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the short term, you can medicate her with Nyquil Severe cold to calm her down til she gets an RX

That can be tricky in elderly; she can get dizzy/sedated and fall.

[Anonymous]

Take the keys.
You can’t calm her down if you let the conversation stay about the car, but you can distract her. With my mom’s dementia I had great success changing the subject to something I knew she’d get going about. Also lying is fine- “hey mom your car is in the shop”
She will likely forget about it once it’s gone. Out of sight out of mind.

If you can, please get her out of the assisted living section and into a memory care unit. They will prevent her from wandering off and getting lost and likely prevent the myriad fires you will continue to have to extinguish until she’s confined to a safe space.

I’m sorry. I know it’s hard.