What do I say to mom about not driving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly though, even if say she DOES kill someone in an accident, there is nothing that can be done that she will suffer for, or even her heirs. Sure, the defendants will go after any assets she has left, but I suspect deeply she has none, and they cannot go after you legally, OP. I would request this post be deleted and that you never mention her driving to insurance/doctors/neighbours/the internet again. If anyone asks, say you were unaware. Good luck.

Way to go off the deep end. Mom has NO ACCESS TO THE CAR. Your made up scenarios are useless.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. It’s hard. My dad is still at home. But we took his car away last week. He is VERY MAD about it. He hit the road walking today. I could see him on Life360. He went to Wawa. Walked a bit further. Headed back to Wawa. Turned off and landed at an ice cream store and my mom “happened to find him” there about 2 hours later. We did get him a life alert and he said he will wear it some days but he thinks it’s a little stupid.

It’s just hard. You have to take every conversation as it comes and just try to be understanding but keep them safe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. To add. My main concern is her going home. But I also worry about her being lost (she now lives close to me, but her immediate area is unfamiliar). And her short term memory is shot. (Routines and long-term memory is great, which is how she could get home).

Your biggest concern should be that she could literally KILL another person. Going home or getting lost is nothing compared to the fact that she could murder another person (and kill herself) because you gave in to her. She does not belong in a car.

[Anonymous]

Tell her it's in the shop for the meantime and then if she still remembers after a few weeks tell her it was unfixable.

[Anonymous]

How is she calling the insurance company? I would delete their phone number from her contacts, so she can't call any more. When my dad was like this, I just told him my husband was taking care of it. It was hard that every time we went to see him, he asked about his truck and picking up my brother (who has passed). Every time we went to see him this is what he focused on. It was so hard. Luckily he never thought it was stolen, but it was his primary concern.

It is so hard. There is no right answer. They perseverate on things, if it isn't the car it will be something else. What makes sense to you, does not make sense to them.

[Anonymous]

Could you try to match her outrage.

i,e really, your car is missing? that's crazy. let me talk to lucy and we'll figure it out for you. Look, there's a bluejay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you try to match her outrage.

i,e really, your car is missing? that's crazy. let me talk to lucy and we'll figure it out for you. Look, there's a bluejay!

I don't agree with matching her outrage, but I do agree with distraction! Keep it simple. "The car is being repaired." Stay calm. You don't want to match her level of agitation because it can reinforce it and contribute to escalation. It is a good idea to try to distract and nature can be a lovely choice. It's something they can appreciate in the moment and it's calming.

[Anonymous]

My mom had dementia and we got lucky in that about the time we were making the decision that she couldn't drive, the DMV refused to renew her license because she could not pass the written test. When she complained about not being able to drive, I sympathized and told her that I was sorry - and then refocused on what was possible: the caregiver would drive her wherever she wanted to go. I would choose one statement (e.g. Your physician has said it's no longer safe for you to drive), stick with it, and offer sympathy and alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom had dementia and we got lucky in that about the time we were making the decision that she couldn't drive, the DMV refused to renew her license because she could not pass the written test. When she complained about not being able to drive, I sympathized and told her that I was sorry - and then refocused on what was possible: the caregiver would drive her wherever she wanted to go. I would choose one statement (e.g. Your physician has said it's no longer safe for you to drive), stick with it, and offer sympathy and alternatives.

I prefer the honest option too. Lying is never nice, plus unless everyone is in on it they can get conflicting info and even more confused.

[Anonymous]

Take the car to her, remove the battery, and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

The answer is in your OP, where you write "Insurance is now saying a doctor needs to verify she can drive or she won't be covered." So do what I did, and punt this to the doctor. Who will either say "no friggin way" or punt it to the local MVA, who will then say "no friggin way." There's a possibility she'll remember one of these exams, at least for the short-term. But if she doesn't remember then you can keep reminding her that it's not you being a beatch but it's her doctor/the MVA who said no. And you'll be able to pull out their written opinions when she asks. I hope the total time investment of driving her to the doctor and/or local MVA would be less than the time and stress of her berating you over and over for not letting her drive.