DD is upset about her race

[Anonymous]

I had a sad conversation with my oldest 5 years old yesterday. She thought she’s not good because she’s not white. We’re Asian. The school our kids go to is a very low diversity school. We’re trying hard to help them embrace our culture, but the school friends gave her some negative reaction. She mentioned other classmates talked about her eye shapes. It could be kids’ curiosity? We emailed the school but didn’t get any feedback. Then some kids made fun of her lunch when she brought some Asian food, saying her food is yucky, etc. a few times. She felt bad about it and thought other people think she’s not good. We emailed the teacher and they replied nicely and talked with some kids about it. Lately, DD told us one kid talked about negative things about the country her parents were from and she felt sad.

What would be your suggestion and what we can do?

[Anonymous]

Send her with "American" style lunches - she can eat your ethnic food for the other two meals at home plus on weekends. Ask the teacher to read the class some books on how everyone's different and the same all at the same time, and ask if you can come in to class one day and bring yummy treats from your home country and tell the class some cool things about it. Maybe some awesome famous people are from there? Or a cool toy was invented from there? Or you could show beautiful pictures from there? Stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm not sure what is best but it is heartbreaking to deal with racism with your young child. Sending you strength and support!

[Anonymous]

Op you are lying. What a f g joke.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are lying. What a f g joke.

Why? Why such a hostile remark?

Are you triggered that it fights your narrative that very young children don't notice differences and that kindergartens can't pick up their parents' attitudes about people of different ethnicities.

We had a lovely, bossy child in my kid's kindergarten that sorted some of her classmates by skin darkness and explained that the darker ones were "dirty." Probably innocently meant, but it did a number on my kid for a few years. I realized then that we left talking about skin color differences for too long.

[Anonymous]

My white son was sad in 1st grade that his hair isn’t black because he was at a majority Hispanic school. I had a conversation with him but for 3rd grade we jumped at the chance to transfer to a more diverse school with more kids who looked like him.

[Anonymous]

My white DD with very think curly hair told me that an Asian classmate had the most beautiful hair...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My white DD with very think curly hair told me that an Asian classmate had the most beautiful hair...

White woman with a jewfro here and I always admired girls with straight shiny hair. My hair has never been shiny. It’s always protruded past my shoulders in width unless I put it in a ponytail.

[Anonymous]

I would be hesitant to jump to racism with a Kindergarten class. 5 years olds are very blunt and say exactly the first thought that is in their head. If your lunch looks yucky to them, they will say it. If they see a bald man, they will point out that he has no hair. If you are fat, they will just tell you that you are fat (ask me how I know).

Of course talk to your daughter and the school and ask them to keep an eye on things but remember that your own daughter is probably calling out differences in other students or families that they would prefer not get voiced. I have worked with young kids for a long time. It is the nature of the age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hesitant to jump to racism with a Kindergarten class. 5 years olds are very blunt and say exactly the first thought that is in their head. If your lunch looks yucky to them, they will say it. If they see a bald man, they will point out that he has no hair. If you are fat, they will just tell you that you are fat (ask me how I know).

Of course talk to your daughter and the school and ask them to keep an eye on things but remember that your own daughter is probably calling out differences in other students or families that they would prefer not get voiced. I have worked with young kids for a long time. It is the nature of the age.

I agree with this. In K they start noticing things more and call out the differences. Unless they are being raised in an extremely racist home, I would chalk it up to curiosity.

[Anonymous]

I grew up one of the few Asian kids in an all white school. Everything your daughter is saying happened to me growing up (but this was in the 80s). I hated it. But, then at some point I just didn’t care and finally realized all those people who made fun of me were losers - this wasn’t until college for me though. Might have helped if I had a concerned/supportive parent like you.

I don’t know what kind of Asian you are, but generally… Being Asian is cool. Asian people have great skin, they look young for a long time, many of us are creative with great style and have a great work ethic. Many Asian grandmas are thin and active and live a long time. Asian food is the most delicious. I would really emphasize all of the cool Asian stuff to her and build up her pride in herself. She is amazing.

Give her the strength to not care about classroom comments and keep contacting the school and the teacher until they make it a safe place for your daughter. Repeated commenting on an Asian child’s eye shape is unacceptable and should absolutely be addressed by the school. I get that they’re 5, but their teachers should be educating them. Curiously can still be harmful to other students. Also your school should be teaching don’t yuck my yum. The suggestion about sharing a delicious food with the class was a great one.

[Anonymous]

Former preschool teacher here. Kids do notice differences, and if parents don’t ever talk about them (we are color blind! We don’t see differences!) then kids come up with their own conclusions. Read the book Nurtureshock, it has a great section on this matter. All parents should talk to their kids about physical differences AND say how great it is that we ARE different, but that inside we are the same( we have the same hearts and lungs and muscles and teeth. That we should celebrate those differences and backgrounds. If I were your daughter’s teacher I wouldn’t have punished anyone, but I would have made a lesson about different backgrounds. Where your family is originally from, show them on a globe, show them traditional food and dress. I’m a first generation American, I would show them information about my home country even though I was born here and speak only English. Kids are curious and if we don’t give them the information and help them with the mindset then they can inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up one of the few Asian kids in an all white school. Everything your daughter is saying happened to me growing up (but this was in the 80s). I hated it. But, then at some point I just didn’t care and finally realized all those people who made fun of me were losers - this wasn’t until college for me though. Might have helped if I had a concerned/supportive parent like you.

I don’t know what kind of Asian you are, but generally… Being Asian is cool. Asian people have great skin, they look young for a long time, many of us are creative with great style and have a great work ethic. Many Asian grandmas are thin and active and live a long time. Asian food is the most delicious. I would really emphasize all of the cool Asian stuff to her and build up her pride in herself. She is amazing.

Give her the strength to not care about classroom comments and keep contacting the school and the teacher until they make it a safe place for your daughter. Repeated commenting on an Asian child’s eye shape is unacceptable and should absolutely be addressed by the school. I get that they’re 5, but their teachers should be educating them. Curiously can still be harmful to other students. Also your school should be teaching don’t yuck my yum. The suggestion about sharing a delicious food with the class was a great one.

Don’t yuck my yum?

Safe place?

How old are you?

OP this is terrible advice!

[Anonymous]

We’re white but my kids also bring different food to school (healthy meals rather than junky snack food) and kids have asked them lists of questions about it (why are you eating that, why not this, ew I don’t like vegetables, do you really eat that) and it makes my kids feel sad too. Unfortunately not many Asian kids where we live or that would probably be easier for us. Mine are tweens and I hope it gets easier as the kids get older. We’ve noticed that the kids from wealthier families tend to eat a bit healthier and also don’t ask as many rude questions, if that helps.